I Have Never...

There goes the neighbourhood...

2005-07-12T23:52:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never suspected my home town of being a hotbed of terrorist activity."

It had been such a good day. The heat wave showed no signs of abating, and I'd had an invite for my best mate's 30th birthday in Glasgow.

I'd spent the morning out of the office at a meeting. It was at The Royal Armouries, and had been organised to discuss the government's spending proposals for the North of England. I'd barely registered the bag check on the way in...

I did my networking thing. Got and gave out business cards. Didn't give last Thursday a second thought. Neither did anyone else. Bar a brief mention at the start of the first presentation, designed to excuse the bag check, not a single person mentioned it in conversation.

I was jubilant. Only my second networking event, but I was seeming to get the hang of it.

After the buffet lunch I headed back to the office.

Parked the car and stepped out onto the baking tarmac.

I heard a whirring noise.

You always wonder why a police helicopter is about. This one seemed remarkably close, virtually directly above me.

I wondered if it was anything to do with the armed robbery at the end of my road. By sheer coincidence (?), while everyone's attention had been focussed on London, the Headingley branch of HSBC had been attacked by men wielding a hammer and an axe. All this as well as the cricket match between England and Australia on the same day.

7/7/2005

It didn't prove to be the reason for the helicopter. On getting into the office, my work colleagues mentioned the news. Checking out the BBC website, I discovered the awful truth.

Three men from the Leeds area were suspected of perpetrating the first suicide bomb campaign to have ever occurred in Western Europe. A house had been raided in the Hyde Park area, the area I usually walk through to work. A controlled explosion had been carried out.

I was stunned.

Sure, last week had shocked me. Hadn't it shocked us all? The images of that bus torn in two. The walking wounded. Relatives, searching for their loved ones, making heart rending pleas on the TV news.

One thing.

It was down South.

Same country, but a couple of hundred miles away.

I'd never thought that those responsible would have come from my county, my city, my home.

Now, I have to face that reality. I could have walked past any one of these three people in the last 7 years. Thought nothing of it. Just another local resident in a modern multiracial city...

Later, on TV at home, I recognise the locations where the different news teams have chosen to pitch themselves. The fact that certain roads have been cordoned off serves to explain why my journey home had been so quiet. Normally, at rush hour, Cardigan Lane is jam packed. Not tonight.

I get a text from a mate. He asks me if I've been allowed home. Fortunately, I'm just outside the exclusion area. I reply to him, explaining that I don't know what to think.

The sky has become overcast. There are rumbles of thunder. Our summer may be reaching an abrupt end...

FYLP
Hard-Fi:Stars of CCTV - New album, the only one I've purchased in the last week. Now seems strangely inappropriate...
Highlight - Hard To Beat

Text Happiness (20 Days...)

2005-07-08T13:53:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never had my day transformed by a text message."

I've been pretty out of sorts over the last few days.
Even before yesterday's atrocities I was behaving like a bear with a sore head.
Snapping at people at work.
Ignoring my mates' emails.
Crawling inside my own little world of sulking.

I could try to justify this. However, it would only sound like a string of excuses.

Instead, I'll tell you what's got me out of it and left me bright eyed and bushy tailed...

Irish Ruth sent me a text. I've not seen her since summer 2003. She is just the coolest.

The text went as follows:-

'Hi Ric, just thought i'd let you know that i'm really looking forward to hanging out with you in edinburgh. i booked my flight last week. Which weeks r u going?'

Just over thirty words of pure unadulterated joy. It's made me think I should get in touch with other people I've not seen in a while. Send them a message to brighten up their days. Why not give it a go yourself?

Question is, How should I respond?

FYLP
Daft Punk:Human After All - I seem to keep saying this about various bands... but their latest just isn't as good as Homework or Discovery. Sure, the single's OK, and the track that's on the ipod ad passes muster, but they used to be the best.
Highlight - Technologic

Normal Service Postponed

2005-07-07T13:44:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never known the country to have been plunged from such a high to such a low."

Yesterday.
Jubilation.
In seven years time we will be hosting the greatest sporting spectacle the human race knows.

Today.
The seventh day of the seventh month.
Four bombs tear apart our capital's transport system at the height of the rush hour.

My thoughts are with those involved...

EXTRA:
Just got this on email, and it seems like such a common sense idea I thought I'd pass it on...

East Anglian Ambulance Service have launched an 'In Case of Emergency' campaign.

The idea is that you store the word ICE in your mobile phone address book, and against it enter the number of the person you would want contacted 'In Case Of Emergency'. Ambulance and hospital staff would then be able to quickly find out who your next of kin were...

I've done it already.

A little treat... (23 Days)

2005-07-05T20:10:00.000+01:00

Connie 1, originally uploaded by dickdnile.

"I Have Never posted a pic of me on stage before."

Here I am back in February. The best part of a bag of flour in my hair. As compere 'Ayrton Lingus' for the cabaret 'Good Grief Connie, It's Amazing.' I was supposed to be Connie's husband.

Yes, I know. Atrocious pun.

Why Ayrton? Well, I thought it could be abbreviated to Ayr.

Yes, another atrocious pun.

I may post a few more if you like this one... just let me know

FYLP

The Shins:Oh, Inverted World - I returned to this rather beautiful album, following my experience of the rather beautiful film Garden State. Their latest 'Chutes Too Narrow' is pretty good, too.

Highlight:Caring is Creepy

24 Days...

2005-07-04T21:18:00.000+01:00

Weekend Catch Up...

Friday 1st "I Have Never introduced myself to a new neighbour so rudely."

I think it was something along the lines of...

"F*** F*** F***."

I repeated this two or three times.
Not in his general direction, I might add.
Let's just say it had been a long day.

To have got home and discovered no parking spaces in the car park outside the flat had been the final straw. He got the brunt due to the fact that he was unloading his car at the time, and just happened to say 'Hello'.

I made a mental note, and apologised yesterday. After all, I can't stay mad at the fellow - he's painted his front door a normal colour again after his predecessor had coloured it a ghastly bright green...

Saturday 2nd "I Have Never been so ashamed of vomiting after drinking too much."

Live8.

Three bottles of wine and four bottles of Stella to be shared between my female accomplice and me in front of the telly.

Precious little in the way of nibbles.

Drinking commences about 3pm (or should I say 'after the best bits'). I proceed to polish of the lion's share of the wine over the proceeding 4 or 5 hours. Let's say, approximately two of the three bottles.

Start on the Stella. Couple of bottles in, starting to zone in and out. Probably around Velvet Revolver.

Finally have to retreat to the toilet during Pink Floyd, leaving my companion somewhat nonplussed. At my age, I should be made of sterner stuff. It just goes to show how little I binge drink these days...

Then, having said goodbye to the contents of my stomach backwards, I decide now's a good time to shave!!! I thought I'd learnt that wasn't a great idea when I was 21... Still, somehow pull it off and return to the lounge for the Finale.

What on earth are the Kaiser Chiefs doing playing Philly?

With this conundrum in my head, I retreat to the joys of 24 Hour Party People on DVD. My friend drifts off to bed, and I doze on the couch for a bit.

Sunday 3rd "I Have Never been faced with such good and bad customer service on the same day."

The perils of purchasing a new kitchen appliance.

NEGATIVE - A reknowned Electric Store who shall remain nameless... (think Korma or Madras).
The assistant tells us he'll serve us in a minute, then wanders off.
Comes back past us two minutes later - 'I'll be right with you!'
Finally serves us after 5 inutes of toe tapping.
Looks at appliance. 'You want that one?' as if he has just spotted dog do on his shoe.
'I'm afraid you can't have it for another month. It's part of the display you see, nothing to do with me.'
When asked how much installation would be - '£119'. NOT including the appliance! 'Well that's the cost of getting British Gas', he says.

One customer totally switched off.

POSITIVE - Go to the source, and the British Gas own store. The place is quiet, but well laid out. I am faced with three possible options.
The assistant recognises which is my favourite immediately, and explains the drawbacks of the other models DESPITE the fact that they would have been a larger purchase.
Relaxed and interested.
When asked about delivery - 'We could get it out and fitted tomorrow if you like.'
Installation Price? - '£69' a massive £50 saving!

Needless to say, one customer walking away with the deal having been done.

So that's the present from my parents purchased.

What was it?

Monday 4th "I Have Never pimped my hob."

Gone is the tatty old oven top. Only one of the rings actually worked. This had led to a diet of stir frys and an over reliance on microwaves.

Now there it resides in all it's glory...

No longer the old mucky off white... but GLEAMING CHROME.

I think it's time to go and make my inaugural meal on it. I'll be able to cook four things simultaneously!

Aaaahh, such extravagance.

FYLP
Razorlight:Up All Night - One of last year's biggest treats. Worth a revisit following Jonnhy Borrell's sterling performances at Glasto and Live8. When The Strokes return, they'll have competition.
Highlight - Stumble And Fall

28 Days

2005-06-30T23:16:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never analysed a decade."

On a more positive note than yesterday (sort of):-

Things I HAVE done in my 20s

1) Purchased a flat on my own. Only 17 years to go on the mortgage...
2) Owned a BMW. Was that really 3 years ago?
3) Attended the Edinburgh Festival. 4 years in a row, with fifth fast approaching.
4) Drunk a bottle of vodka for breakfast. Maybe not the best way to celebrate completing my degree exams. Lesson learnt - don't shave when drunk.
5) Mixed business with pleasure, and had an affair with the boss's secretary. 3 months of fun.
6) Resigned from same job. 2 years down the line from the affair going sour.
7) Singularly failed at a one night stand. It really should have been just that one night in Bristol.
8) Executive Directed a 3 month season of new writing to minor acclaim.
9) Devised a theatrical flop. It will return...
10) Experimented with hair. By which I mean growing a moustache for one show, then shaving my head a couple of months later for another performance.
11) Mate's Stag Do 1. Been assaulted by a tramp in Barcelona while alone on La Ramblas at 3am.
12) Mate's Stag Do 2. Spent a night in Edinburgh dressed in drag. Lessons learnt -
a) No pockets!
b) Eating with lipstick! Yuck.
c) People get very tactile...
13) Flown out to Istanbul to try and rescue a relationship. Failed, but did see the Spice Girls live.
14) Sung the Millenium in with thousands. Guess where? Edinburgh.
15) Spent six months on 'Gardening leave'. Love that euphemism.
16) Been made redundant the day before pay day due to the company folding. Then a week later secure the same job in the same place for £2,000 more salary.
17) Appeared in Panto. As a randy sultan in Dick Whittington.
18) Get into managing people. Both at work and in my private life with the theatre.
19) Spent a night drinking with The Buzzcocks. Drinking their rider I might add.
20) Started blogging!

What a snapshot.

FYLP
The Pixies:Bossanova - Part of me wants to see one of their shows now they've reformed. That said, I saw Frank Black solo last year. He was just, y'know, OK. This is a lesser favoured gem.
Highlight - Hang Wire

29 Days

2005-06-29T21:54:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never started counting down to my birthday."

It started yesterday.

30 Days to my 30th birthday.

20 Things I said I'd do in my twenties and haven't (yet):

1) Go to Glastonbury Festival. Now, I'll be nearly 32 before the next time it's on.
2) Bungee Jump. Hmmm, perhaps a bit too heavy for that at the mo'.
3) See the Grand Canyon. I can do that in my thirties, I guess.
4) Run a marathon. A very short passing fad.
5) Form a band. The time has definitely passed on this one. You can't form a band in your thirties.
6) Apply for Big Brother. No interest in being the 'parent' figure in the house.
7) Spend a weekend in Amsterdam. No, not for the tulips and clogs...
8) Write a novel. What about?
9) Lose 5 stone. Not even close.
10) Skinny dip. Erm... I don't know why.
11) Have a critical and commercial directorial success. Still learning.
12) Give Esko his theatre books back. Small, but important. (They're good books!)
13) Complete the revamp of my flat. I want all the different rooms to be different colours of the rainbow - the kitchen needs to be accessorised in red, and the bathroom in blue.
14) Run a record shop. Retail aspirations have fallen by the wayside with the advent of the internet.
15) Write for a music magazine. I sent off letters to NME and Melody Maker but no dice - now one is defunct, and the other seems childish (even though I still buy it every week).
16) See the Northern Lights. While in an Icelandic spa.
17) Meet 'the one'.
18) Discover my purpose in life. What was I put here to do?
19) Get married. 5 years behind schedule on this...
20) Become a dad. Can't do this without (19) - very old fashioned, I know.

Maybe I could do (12)...

FYLP
Kings Of Convenience:Quiet Is The New Loud - When I was down about a break up, this album pulled me through. I just love the sound of acoustic guitars chiming together.
Highlight - I Don't Know What I Can Save You From

It Begins... Again

2005-06-28T21:27:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never seen a film franchise so satisfactorily re-invented."

Wow. A week late I went to see Batman Begins.

I'd seen trailers, but been left unimpressed. It all looked a bit 'worthy'. A big fan of the two Tim Burton entries, I awaited reviews.

Reviews proved more than glowing. Was this really the same Christian Bale I had last seen in 'Reign Of Fire', a film so feeble that the person who suggested we go see it had actually resigned as a friend shortly afterwards in shame?

Yet Nolan as Director achieves something none of his predecessors have managed. He has made the Batman character the star rather than the support.

Think back.

Batman - a Jack Nicholson vehicle.
Batman Returns - stolen by Michelle Pfeiffer in that suit.
Batman Forever - Erm... Jim Carrey as his usual manic self.
Batman and Robin - Let's draw a shroud over that particular entry shall we?

OK, so in Batman Begins you've got Cillian Murphy as the Scarecrow. Every time he is on screen, he is a disturbing presence and the performance is destined to propel him even further than the lead in '28 Days Later' did. However, he is used sparingly and is not even offed by the Bat. He has bigger fish to fry...

Truly, it is Bruce Wayne's alter ego that you are drawn back to. Whether it be the swarms of bats, his voice when in character, or his faster than human movement when battling hoods - Bale is the star, and justifiably so.

Murphy is not the only quality support. Far from it. Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman and Gary Oldman all provide exemplary support to our hero, while Liam Neeson, Tom Wilkinson and Rutger Hauer offer various levels of threat as the baddies.

Nolan's other great achievements are to have positioned the action in a world much closer to our own, and to have had the audacity to revisit the death of Wayne's parents. Both these serve to make you as an audience truly believe this as a new beginning, and not merely Batman Film 5.

Negatives? Katie Holmes doesn't stray far from her Dawson's Creek character. The scenes with her and a kid seem tacked on to appeal to a younger audience. If only the studio had had the bravery to see that here was a more adult (and undeniably blokey) comic movie with more akin to Sin City than it's direct ancestors, and didn't require a feeble love interest...

This is merely a minor quibble, and doesn't take away from the fact that this is a rebirth that will truly compete with whatever Raimi can do next with Spiderman or Singer achieves with Superman.

FYLP
Handsome Boy Modelling School:White People - Have I already recommended this? I'm going to have to start making lists. As a side project for Dan The Automator and Prince Paul, this is another stylish/modern cut up classic which ranks alongside the HBMS debut.
Highlight - Breakdown

Catch Up Post... Again

2005-06-27T14:52:00.000+01:00

Once again life overtook me... Here's short versions of the I Have Never's that never were...

"I Have Never rolled in from a party at 7am in the morning."

I know. How can I say this when I'm almost reaching 30? Well, I've always set myself the 5am benchmark... if a party reaches this hour, it must be good, but it's time to go before it gets messy. Still, it was worth breaking my unwritten rule.

Maybe 'The Cleaners' hadn't been all the production team had wanted it to be. It had still royally entertained the audience. The second night first half had been particularly wonky, to the extent that Iain had actually walked out. The cast managed to turn it round in the second half, though.

On we went to the Melborn Inn. We sat outside for most of the night, though Rent (the band) were playing inside. It was a balmy night, even after dark. Come 2am and Iain invited an elite few back to his - Him & Claire, Dan and Ivan from the band, Anne - a cast member from Tea Without Mother (due to show on Monday and Tuesday eve), me and Ruth - a relative newcomer to the theatre group.

We chatted about many things in Iain's back yards. Slugs featured highly, Ruth got a bit of stick for not knowing the history of the island of Lesbos. In hindsight, it doesn't look so entertaining in black and white. There was a foray for food from the local garage, with those incumbent demanding crumpets, but all the marauders were able to muster was a chicken baguette (surprisingly tasty when coated in melted cheese).

Throughout, I was sober. I ferried everyone home then returned to my own bed, knowing that I would have to get up in two hours...

"I Have Never seen grown men go down a child's slide on a tricycle."

I'll explain in a bit. First the day's travails.

I slept through my alarm. Not a surprise after only a couple of hours sleep. Got up, shaved, then jumped in the car and made the hour's trip over to my parents.

It was Father's Day, and I'd promised I'd go over and have lunch with the family.

The weather was sweltering. Because I had my air conditioning on in the car, when I reached my destination and disembarked my glasses actually steamed up!

We sat immobile in the garden for an hour, before mum showed me part of the garden she had been working on. Dad had chosen a restaurant based on the fact that the last time he had gone it had been freezing cold. Reverse logic - in winter this had been a negative, but now it was ideal. On arrival the logic held, and in the restaurant was considerably cooler than outside.

Also, my sister and her boyfriend were there.

All very pleasant. I was somewhat monosyllabic due to exhaustion (bad son!). The meal wound up, and I set off back for Leeds.

There really should be some sort of law about driving when tired. I'm sure it's as bad as drink driving. Thing is, how would you go about testing it? I turned the Air Conditioning up full blast, the music full blast and regularly slapped myself in the face. Glad I wasn't having to drive passengers...

At home I showered and changed, before being picked up by Carl and Gilli. We'd all been invited to a barbecue at Mike's house to celebrate his piece (The Cleaners) having been staged. Surprise, surprise. Even the concept of a barbecue meant that the skys opened, and an almighty storm ensued. Soon it was over, and we all flooded back outside.

The barbecue had all manner of meat on it. Sausages, steaks, Spicy Thai Pork Balls (apparently Iain's specialty), chicken wings and legs, spare ribs. I temporarily wondered what Frankenstein Beast could be formed if the bits were combined...

Now I wasn't driving I was able to drink. OK so it was a Sunday night, but what the heck? I'd forgotten about taking the hayfever pills, though. I didn't get drowsy, but approached what can only be described as a very tactile place. I wasn't alone in my drunkeness, hence the Jackass style acrobatics described in the I Have Never... Needless to say, the tricycle broke, and a small child ended up in floods of tears.

This had been one heck of a weekend.

"I Have Never made the mistake of over-hyping a show."

Tea Without Mother. It had been great at the National Student Drama Festival in March. I'd raved about it to everyone who knew me since.

Tonight was the night it was coming to our venue in Bradford.

I should have known.

After all, it was a Monday night and most of the cast had had an epic journey up from the South Coast of England. They were not on top form.

I saw various people traipsing out at the end somewhat deflated.

Note to self - don't rave overly about a show you have only seen once.

I got to go out for a curry with Iain and the cast afterwards. They knew that they had not hit the buttons tonight. The atmosphere seemed somewhat subdued. I was sure they would pull it out of the bag on Tuesday night's show.

Problem is, I would be House Managing, and so unable to witness the transformation.

"I Have Never known anyone leave a show before it starts."

Around rolled Tuesday. I was stood at the door of the theatre, welcoming audience members as they arrived. A somewhat gruff local writer turned up.

'Well, I'm here,' He said. 'After all the fuss you've made about it, I figured I'd best not miss it.'

Great, I thought. Please don't let it be like last night. I then mentioned in passing that the tickets had been reduced to £4 because the show was only half an hour long.

Next thing I know, he's in his car and driven off!

I asked the cashier what had happened. He told me that the writer had huffed and puffed about the show being too short and that he had other things to do. It was nothing to do with the fact that there was now no concession price which he would normally have been eligible for...

Various emails went back and forth the following day, with the writer stating his annoyance that no-one had highlighted the length of the piece. Responses from the group were many and varied, but the general gist was 'Surely the quality of a show is not dependent on it's length?'.

By the way, they pulled it out of the bag. The audience looked considerably cheerier today on exiting the show.

"I Have Never been to a discussion about Directing."

Pretty tedious this. Futher confirmation that my natural learning style is an activist one and unless I'm involved and doing something, I rapidly lose interest. Probably didn't help that I was still catching up on sleep from the weekend...

"I Have Never been so glad of a night off theatre."

I worked out that it had been well over a fortnight since I had not spent at least some time in Bradford on theatre related activities. My work colleagues asked if I wanted to go out for a drink as one of the staff was leaving.

I declined.

I just needed some space to experience the post show comedown...

"I Have Never had to tout for business."

Friday afternoon, and my boss asked me to do some calls. It wasn't anywhere near as bad as I expected. I guess that's the joy of the public sector - people are more than happy to chat to you.

"I Have Never ushered an open air event."

Alan Lane, who may become a new artistic director for the Mill in the none too distant future, had decided he wanted to stage an event at the Mughul Gardens in Lister Park. If you're not sure of what Mughul Gardens are like, then think what's in front of the Taj Mahal - linearity, minimalism and water.

The weather was pretty much perfect. There was a cast of three - Alan himself, Lucy and Dom. A & D were in suits, L in a white (wedding?) dress.

It was a durational piece which went on for four hours from 5-9pm.

I had to explain what was happening to passers by, and tell them not to be afraid if they were approached by one of the performers, and also indicate that there were photos under the water.
These photos caused us endless problems. Being pretty rudimentarily constructed (an acetated photo with a drawing pin attached to a stick and then a brick), they proved an absolute magnet for passing kids to pull them out of the water and dislodge them from their moorings. Numerous people had to be on 'readjust photos' duty.

Still, it was a hugely rewarding experience. It made me realise how so many people expect their culture to be spoon fed to them. The number of times I had to field the question 'But what's it about?' was unbelievable. 'You interpret it as you see fit,' proved to be my standard response.

My favourite query came from a child.

'Is the lady in the white dress supposed to be the sky?' she asked. Proof if any were needed that a child's imagination is far superior to any adults.

"I Have Never enjoyed going paintballing."

So, I've only been once before, but it had pretty much put me off for life. How a couple of mates had persuaded me to go again I'm not entirely sure. Fear of being left out of a good time I guess.

I knew I was in for a better time the moment we got there. Where as the last time I'd gone it had felt like a bit of a fly by outfit, it was clear that this was the real deal. Proper constructed buildings on the site, as opposed to a field for a car park. Six different game play areas. Extra large outfits (what a relief! Last time I'd had to squeeze into a large). Sausage Butties for breakfast.

There were twelve of us in our group. We divided into two lots of six, and were combined with other players to form two teams. I was in the Purple team, competing against the yellows.

The first game wasn't much fun. My visor kept steaming up, and the paintball belt kept slipping down. At the first opportunity (i.e. after the first two games) I dispensed with both, changing for a considerably more lightweight headgear, and putting spare paintballs in my pockets.

Now came the fun. In the fifth game of the day I finally got two confirmed kills. It was just after I'd overcome my general dislike of getting muddy and dived into a ditch. This proved to be an ideal sniping point and I watched with glee as I picked off the two yellow competitiors advancing towards me.

I'd still not say that my bloodlust now ran unchecked. I just couldn't shake my natural survival instinct. There's something about running at people with guns that my brain tells me is essentially wrong and prevents my body from doing...

In a game after lunch, I was able to show my organisational instinct by shouting '1 2 3 CHARGE' until I was horse. This meant that my team co-ordinated their attacks and the game was won. Of course, when I shouted, I aimed to stay out of firing range myself...

A few games later, and it was all over. The purple team had won! I got a little yellow certificate, and left with a smile on my face and a large purple paint mark on the chest area of my camouflage T-shirt.

Having been dropped home, I got the call to come and help at the Mughul Gardens again. Apparently, due to the gorgeous weather we were still having, the meagre two ushers had been overrun and reinforcements were required. I got there to a scene of devastation. Exhausted actors, photos strewn left right and centre and crowds and crowds of kids. I dismissed the urge to wish for a paint gun, and got back into my best calm usher mode...

"What's the longest time you've left between posts?"

I'm seriously wondering whether it's feasible for me to do a daily post anymore. Hope this catch up has served to patch the gap, if not entirely fill it.

FYLP
The Foo Fighters:The Colour and The Shape - Again, they've got a new one out, but it's time to go back eight years (is it really that long?) and relive their best. Produced by Gil Norton, famed for Producing The Pixies, no less.
Highlight - Walking After You

First Night - The Cleaners

2005-06-18T20:01:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never been comfortable watching a show I have had input in."

This was a bit different. Having been shadow director on the show and with no mention in the programme, it gave me a chance to relax and observe as an audience member.

Granted, I had to ensure that I'd popped to the loo before it started, but my stomach had pretty much righted itself.

The show itself was about a 6 or 7 out of 10. Being in the know, you could tell where people were diversifying from the script. Lisa did a sterling job of putting people back on course with a couple of well-placed ad libs. The first half was a little flat, but the second sped along.

Afterwards, Iain asked me what I'd learnt from observing. I explained how surprised I was that large chunks of movement were worked up, but then binned in the last few days. The thing is, they'd done the job they were there for, namely getting the cast to relate in the way the characters were supposed to. This had left it extraneous. I felt that this was something I would have to be aware of in future productions.

"What have you chosen to discard at the last minute?"

FYLP
The Magic Numbers : The Magic Numbers - I know I've mentioned them numerous times in the last couple of weeks, but the album has finally arrived. As expected, it's a classic. Quite surprised that they've chosen to make the best track a secret track at the end...
Highlight - Hymn For Her

Squits

2005-06-17T12:00:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never been incapacitated on a first night before."

It's midday.

I've had to take the day of work, due to me being unable to leave a toilet for more than 5 minutes at a time.

Damn that prawn salad I had last night!

The dress run yesterday was a low point. There I sat in the audience (eating the prawns...) watching the show lurch from scene to scene. Someone knocked a can of beer over on stage midway through the first half and it went everywhere. Lines were being dropped left, right and centre. The fire exit opened of it's own accord during the second half. Need I go on...

Still, it should prove to be a wake up call for the cast.

Now, all I've got to do is pray that my bowels start to show some signs of holding together in the next few hours.

Fingers crossed...

"Does anyone know any good cures for the squits?"

FYLP
Radiohead:Kid A - At the time, all the critics said it was their low point. Thing is, there's a haunting quality to it which can't be shaken. Now, it's the Radiohead album that I seem to come back to again and again... very appropriate for a day when I'm not feeling 100%.
Highlight - How To Disappear Completely

Tech Run

2005-06-16T18:21:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never known such a smooth tech run for a show."

While I've spent all day in the office, clearly the cast of 'The Cleaners' had been working hard going over their lines.

From what was being described yesterday by the Director as 'High Stakes Poker', it looks like we may well have pulled a show out of the bag.

Don't get me wrong. It's not perfect. However, as First night looms on Friday, it doesn't look as likely that it will be the disaster being forecast on Tuesday. OK, so the techs are having heebee geebees because the lights keep busting (and their cues are missed occassionally), but there's the dress tonight to sort that out...

"Who's in the Yorkshire area and would like to see some quality theatre?"

(If you're further afield, cross your fingers for us tomorrow night...)

FYLP
Ambulance Ltd:Ambulance Ltd - This slipped into the shops a couple of months back. I can't quite put my finger on why I bought it at the time. Think I was in one of those 'buy at random' frenzies that I occassionally slip into. You know, the red mist comes down, and an hour later you're stood outside HMV with around £100 of merchandise. Retail therapy indeed. Still, this was a wise purchase. Never destined to be anybody's all time faves, but know their way around a tune.
Highlight - Anecdote

Answers on a Postcard

2005-06-15T16:05:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never asked for constructive criticism."

Maybe I'm leaving myself open for an absolute pasting. Still, I've lost 4 or 5 Blog Explosion battles in a row, and was seeking enlightenment.

a) Am I being too self indulgent?
b) Is it the little man at the top of the screen?
c) Have I battled too much and become over exposed?

"What is the answer?"

Last night's rehearsal was an absolute stinker. Considering that it's first night on Friday, this is a very bad thing. A certain professional actor needs to learn his lines... and fast.

FYLP
Coldplay:X&Y - I've had it for a week and a half and still not listened to it all the way through... symptomatic of a so so album, or just that I've been unbelievably busy? Most likely the latter.
Highlight:Fix You

Press

2005-06-14T17:04:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never had the press attend a rehearsal."

I missed the majority of yesterday's rehearsal. This little thing called work meant that the 1pm-5.30pm slot was an impossibility.

I finished at 4.30 in Leeds and hot-footed it over to Bradford to catch the last half hour. On arriving, there was a stranger in the room with the Director, Writer and cast.

Everyone else seemed to be accepting the fact that this man was sitting here, just watching. Somewhat non-plussed, I sat down with the script and acted as prompt where necessary.

The stranger was out of my field of vision.

At one point, it sounded as though he was snoring. I turned around and frowned, but it proved to be just his normal breathing. I refocussed my attention for the last few minutes of the run through.

It was only when it was over and the stranger had disappeared to the bar with the writer that I asked the question.

"Who was that?"

It turned out to be a journalist for the local paper. Seems as though we're getting noticed...
...for a change.

FYLP
The Killers:Hot Fuss - Another album that seems to be ubiquitous right now. Truly the Eighties are in vogue with these West Coasters mixing up The Smiths with Duran Duran. Very unsure about the Pink Plastic jacket the lead singer's been sporting, though.
Highlight: Mr. Brightside

The Posts that never were...

2005-06-13T21:00:00.000+01:00

Yep.

I know.

I've been slack on the posting front.

Here are the titles of what might have been posts over the last week (in no particular order)

"I Have Never heard the term de-gloved when relating to human flesh (or seen pictures...) I wish I hadn't."

"I Have Never had an actor informed unexpectedly that he is about to become a father in the middle of a rehearsal."

"I Have Never seen such a stylised, yet visceral cinematic experience." (Sin City)

"I Have Never been so ashamed of the state of my car." (Had to take it for a car wash... after 6 months of it being regularly covered in bird poo)

"I Have Never had to deal with an overflowing urinal." (As expected, my first House Manager shift at the theatre didn't go entirely as planned...)

"I Have Never played Donkey before." (A simple concept, kick a ball at a wall in turns. If you miss you are D. Miss again you are Do etc. etc.)

"I Have Never experienced a dream cliche so vividly." (Running around in just my pants trying to find my hotel room... what is my subconscious trying to tell me about the number 107?)

"Which of these would you have liked to see in full? If any?"

Hopefully, normal service will be resumed tomorrow.

FYLP
Gwen Stefani:Love Angel Music Baby - I'm hooked. Having resisted buying this for 6 months, the 3rd single persuaded me. Really reminds me of prime mid 80's Madonna. A hint of New Order thrown in for good measure.
Highlight - Hollaback Girl

Two missing...

2005-06-06T18:30:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never had a situation where we have been discussing replacing two fifths of a cast a fortnight before a show..."

Lunchtime.

Rehearsals start at 11am.

Henry didn't show. He'd been mugged last night and is in hospital with two suspected broken fingers.

Anthony didn't show. His mother is ill in hospital.

"Have you ever suspected that a curse may have befallen a show?"

FYLP
The White Stripes:Get Behind Me Satan - Sparks of greatness, but just that... sparks. Broadening the pallette blah blah blah. Give me some low down dirty blues, none of this marimba malarkey. A considerably more subdued album.
Highlight - Passive Manipulation

Hangover

2005-06-05T18:03:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never attended a birthday party for less than an hour."

Anne had been in 'I Have Never'. This was a bit of a landmark birthday (whisper it... 40). I'd had the invite ages ago, and had agreed to go.

Only later had I realised that it clashed with the last night of Blue Remembered Hills... a show I had agreed to usher.

I had the best of intentions.
I did my ushering duties.
Finished about 8.30pm.

One slight problem. The show had attracted a considerable number of old techies who I hadn't seen in absolute ages. I figured that a drink couldn't harm.

Well, maybe a couple of drinks...

Before I knew it, closing time had reared it's ugly head. How on earth had we got to 11pm already? I blame the 'Gilli Surprise'. This is a combination of 1/2 pint of Guinness and a Banana Mudshake which I invented a couple of years ago. Why did it get it's name? Because it was Gilli who dared me to mix the two in the first place. Now, it may look like cold sewage water, but to me it is an alluring beast of a drink.

I must have had about 4 of them.

Time was ticking away. We crammed into a car about 11.30pm and drove over to the hotel where it was being held. Somehow I had acquired myself a straw hat which leant me an air of Huckelberry Finn. This didn't leave me all night.

11.50pm and we were there. Just in time for the DJ to play the last song. I found Anne and drunkenly apologised for being so late... then headed to the bar. No mudshakes here (or Guinness for that matter) so had to make do with a couple of Bailey's.

The bar closed shortly after. We all piled back in the car and headed onto a fine late night hostelry. So ended my shortest ever visit to a Birthday Party.

We sang Beatles' songs until the early hours. No accompaniament - just sang ourselves horse.

Now, that's what I call a reunion.

"What's the shortest period of time that you've attended a celebration?"

FYLP
White Stripes:Elephant - On the eve of the new album, why not go back to their classic? I once used Ball and a Biscuit to choreograph a couple performing foreplay on stage...
Highlight - B & B

House Manager

2005-06-04T15:06:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never been a House Manager at the Theatre before."

Last night I got a chance to shadow Iain in his House Manager role. Bradford University Theatre Group (of whom I am vice pres.) were staging Blue Remembered Hills by Dennis Potter.

The House Manager is a much maligned position. Basically,

a) You have to be there first to open up, and last to lock up.
b) You fill in a couple of forms regarding the number of cast/tech/audience. This is predominately in case of fire. However, you just know that the chances of everyone staying in one place if there were a fire are minimal. It's much more likely that half the audience would slope off to the pub.
c) You are the ultimate person in charge of the smooth running of the performance. Therefore, any problems with the cashier or ushers may get referred to you to deal with. If the cast, crew or member of the audience play up, guess who's in the firing line? Yours truly.

Tonight, things ran smoothly. No calamities. All peaceful.

"What's the betting this won't be the case when I do my first proper shift?"

FYLP
The Stone Roses:The Stone Roses - I'd rate this as my musical awakening. Sure, back in 1989 I'd bought other albums, mostly by the Pet Shop Boys and A-Ha, but this was my first 'proper' album. It will always be special for this reason alone.
Highlight - Bye Bye Badman

Rumbled...

2005-06-03T23:34:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never expected someone to hunt this blog down."

Dan found my blog.

I wrote about meeting up with him the post before last. Maybe I was rather introspective. I didn't think I'd given enough details for it to be found. I mean, it's not like it can be found on google.

I forgot that Dan is a bit of a demon when it comes to computing. I expect with the rudimentary knowledge that it involves the phrase 'I Have Never' and my name, it probably doesn't recquire rocket science (although it's beyond my meagre knowledge...).

So he found me. Left a comment. I feel a bit foolish. Wonder if he'll mention it to Jim...

"Why do I feel the need to be so honest here?"

FYLP
Notwist:Neon Golden - This is only a couple of years old, but has firmly lodged itself in my consciousness and shows no sign of letting go. A mix of guitars and electronica that is reminiscent of New Order at their prime.
Highlight - Consequence

Late Shift

2005-06-02T18:39:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never had to work while the rest of the office attend a social."

It's just after 6.30pm.

Tonight we were supposed to be playing an inter-office game of rounders (for US readers, this is very similar to Baseball). Us against Business Link with whom we share an office.

Yesterday put paid to that. It rained very heavily, and a large tent was erected in the field we had intended to use for our 'event'. Something to do with a Uni Graduate ball...

Plans were hastily re-arranged. It was decided (not by me) that the last bowling night had been so successful that it was a thing to be repeated...

One flaw. Someone needed to do the evening shift.

I'd already agreed to. After all, I thought I was going to be able to watch the rounders match from the office window. Now, the weather and a large marquee had put paid to that. So, down in town, the rest of the staff are at the alley.

I'm here in the office. One Customer Assistant to keep me company.

I knew I didn't like bowling.

"When did you last have to hold the fort whilst others partied?"

FYLP
Oasis: Don't Believe The Truth - Not as good as I'd hoped (or the reviews I'd read had suggested). Passable Middle of the Road rock. I'll probably listen to it twice then stick it on the shelf, like I have with their last couple of albums.
High(?)light - Current Single Layla... sorry I mean Lyla

Old Friends

2005-06-01T23:16:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never been good at keeping in touch."

I got a call from my Uni mate Dan a couple of days ago. He was in town for the week on business and suggested we catch up.

Now, I've probably not seen my Uni mates for the best part of 18 months at least. There's no good reason for this neglect. I guess that the theatre takes up pretty much all of my spare time (plus the time I now dedicate to bloggin daily).

With Dan and his fiance Jane it's understandable we don't see each other. He lives down South, and it would really involve a weekend away. My other Uni mate Jim (plus girlfriend Eilidh) is a bit more difficult to explain. They live 10 minutes walk away from my flat...

Jim used to be my flat mate. I still have his TV. His sofas. His microwave. He's never come to collect them.

When we were at Uni we had our Chemistry course in common. Since, though, I've been leaning more and more towards the Arts, while Jim is seriously into his sports. Our interests are completely opposing.

Another thing. I think I'm the only one who calls him Jim. To everybody else he's James. I think he prefers James. Thing is, I have this curious need to abbreviate my mate's names to three letters.

Yes, I know. No logic. Dan. Jim. Ric. It made sense to me.

Anyhow, I'd agreed to meet up with the four of them for a meal. We chose The Arc, a local fashionable winebar. Not really my type of place, but it does pretty good food.

Jim and Eilidh were already there when I arrived just after 7pm. Dan and Jane were right behind me. Jim instantly informed us he had a 5-a-side match in an hour's time so would be able to have a main course and then meet us for drinks later.

I ordered a lovely Sweet Chilli King Prawn Pizza (like having a chinese and italian meal wrapped into one). Felt a bit like the odd one out. Here were these two couples who have both been together for over 5 years now. Maybe this is the reason why I don't see more of them. That sense of 'the settled couples' is not a place I have reached yet... and don't see in the horizon. I muttered something about the 'pretend marriage' I had been involved with last year (have I talked about that? Maybe another time), and instantly realised that it was a feeble attempt to slot in.

"Why do I want to slot in?"

The more I observed, the more I thought I was pretty happy on my own in comparison. Both couples clearly had little niggles with their respective partners, a problem that I am not faced with.

It was a revelation. One I'll have to ponder.

Come the end of the night, we said our goodbyes. Jim mentioned his 30th birthday celebrations in a month. I'll see if I get an invite... Otherwise I'll probably see them next when Dan and Jane get married in August 2006.

FYLP
Beck:Guero - A return to the style and feel/immediacy of Odelay. Welcome back from the wilderness fella!
Highlight: Girl

Detained

2005-05-31T18:03:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never heard such an intriguing reason for missing a rehearsal."

I found out why one of the cast had missed Sunday's rehearsal for The Cleaners today.

He'd been locked up!

He'd gone to Blackpool to celebrate the extended weekend with his mates.
Walked into the wrong pub.
Been surrounded by a group of BNP sympathisers who took umbrage to the fact that he wasn't white.
A scuffle had ensued.
The police arrived and chose to take him and his mates away for a night in the cells.

By the time he was released (with a caution), there was no way he could get back.

I have to say that that is a much more effective excuse than the usual 'I wasn't feeling well' that you expect to be the reason...

"What's the most effective excuse you've ever used?"

FYLP
John Legend:Get Lifted - Saw this recommended on another blog. A modern take on Marvin Gaye or a male equivalent to what Lauryn Hill did with 'The Miseducation of...'? You decide. I like it.
Highlight: Ordinary People

BBQ Apocalypse.

2005-05-30T23:25:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never disrupted a barbecue quite so spectacularly."

The weather was gorgeous. Perfect for a Bank Holiday Monday. It was only a matter of time before someone rang and suggested a barbecue.

We set up around the back of the theatre. Purchased more than enough from the local Morrison's.
Burgers, sausages, their veggie equivalents. Pasta and Potato Salads. Bananas to wrap in foil. Doughnuts. A really good spread.

Last year, I'd been chef in charge. However, I chose to delegate this role to Niall today, favouring instead the option of having a kick around with a couple of the other blokes.

So, the charcoal was heating up nicely. The majority of the group were huddled near to the embers watching the food gradually cook. I was still mucking about with the football. Someone shouted 'on my head'. I looked down at the ball, got my toe underneath it and launched it into the air...

Unfortunately, it's trajectory proved to be rather wonky, and instead of it arriving at my friend's head it landed (at pace) on the barbecue.

Charcoal went flying. The back of the barbecue was bent out of shape. It looked like a bomb had hit it (which, in a small way, I guess it had). Fortunately no-one was hurt and all the food was rescued.

I was a bit red faced, and spent the next five minutes fixing the barbecue...

"When did you last wish a hole could just open up and swallow you?"

FYLP
The Go-Betweens: Before Hollywood - Completing this weekend's trilogy of classics, here's a lesser known gem from the mid 80's. They're still going today and have a new album out, but as I've not purchased it yet, I thought I'd direct you here.
Highlight: Cattle and Cane

Missing Cast Member

2005-05-29T18:30:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never had a cast member disappear."

Today, I was rehearsing for The Cleaners. Iain (the director) was at a wedding, so had left me in charge of proceedings, with the instruction to line run people thoroughly.

One problem. Anthony, who is playing Mo was a No Show.

At the last rehearsal on Thursday he'd not mentioned that he wouldn't be available. Iain was the only person with his phone number, and I didn't want to disturb him (mental image of the church... vicar saying 'If anyone knows any reason why these two cannot be joined in holy matrimony'... Iain's phone goes off...). We just had to continue regardless, skirting around any scenes in which he featured.

I reckon I was cool about it. I didn't show my concern to the rest of the cast. My thoughts were whirring. What if he's dropped out? Who would replace him? (Part of me would quite like a punt at the role myself).

I guess we won't know until Tuesday...

"Have you ever had someone go missing?"

FYLP
The Clash: London Calling - Continuing in the 'classics' vein from yesterday. One of punk's finest hours. Genre hopping all over the place you can't beat it for sheer raw energy.
Highlight - Death or Glory

Battle of The Blogs

2005-05-28T22:35:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never put my blog up against other people's."

I was supposed to go shopping today. A long Bank Holiday weekend ahead of me and some retail therapy was in order. Just check BlogExplosion before I go out...

Famous Last Words.

I never made it out of the door. Here was a chance to compete against other blogs and earn extra credits. I could also vote on other battles and earn still more credits.

I found myself hooked. The day ticked by and I just couldn't pull myself away. It became dark outside, but still I voted. Battled. Voted...

I undertook 24 battles. Won 10. Lost 14. Not too shabby. Found myself over 500 credits better off. That meant that I could take a break from the computer for the rest of the Bank Holiday...

"How many battles have you won?"

FYLP
Love: Forever Changes - An absolute classic. Definitely up there in my Top 10 favourite all time albums. Pyschedelia at it's peak.
Highlight - Alone Again Or (though if pushed, I'd say they're all highlights)

Big Brother

2005-05-27T23:52:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never watched the whole of the start of Big Brother."

This is now an inescapable yearly cultural event in the UK. I usually miss the start, but get dragged into it in week 2 or 3. I thought I'd aim to get a first glimpse and give my first impressions...

AnThony - Midget poser. Full of himself. Deserved the boos he got from the crowd for milking his entrance. Potential to be this year's Jason (i.e. get to near the end).

Craig - A sure fire certainty for an early exit if his audition interviews were anything to go by. Hateful beyond belief. Is it all just show? We'll have to see...

Derek - Conservative, Black and Gay. An intriguing mix. Reminds me of a camp Chris Eubank. A mid table finish?

Kemal - Camp as Christmas. Very entertaining. Turned up to the catwalk in a sari. Loud and likely to have an impact.

Lesley - Part of me wants to support her as she's a Yorkshire lass. Unfortunately, I suspect she'll find herself out of her depth here. Wears very low cut tops and turned up in a plastic nurse's uniform. Another early leaver?

Makosi - Looks like one of those mid seventies big afro'd disco chicks. Bit of a princess. Other than that the jury's out.

Mary - One word... Goth. OK, she's claiming 'white witch' status, but as my sister's a goth I can see one coming a mile off. Could be bonkers. May be odds on to 'walk'. Hope she doesn't...

Maxwell - Cockney geezer. First impressions were that he could grab the 'man of the people' vote. However, that fast street talk persona could grate by the half way mark.

Roberto - Italian. Likes cooking. Will be a hit with the girls. Keeping his head down a bit.

Sam - Painted as a sexaholic in her pre-entry blurb. Is that the real her? Or is it a persona designed to get her into the house. Middle class, and a mid table exit.

Saskia - Being a bit of a lefty on the sly, she's totally lost me with her comments about immigrants 'all wanting to kill us'. If she's that outspoken in the house, there could be fireworks. Eye candy, but vacant.

Science - From my home city of Leeds, so naturally he's my early favourite. Strikes me that he could quite easily be a rogue member of the Black Eyed Peas...

Vanessa - Sharp of tongue, and even describes herself as shallow. Apparently forming a bond with Craig already. It could be the new Narinda & Brian...

So there they are. 13 wannabes. We'll see who falls first...

"Who do you want to win?"

FYLP:
My Morning Jacket: It Still Moves - On a bit of a country music tip at the mo' (maybe to make up for my UK-focussed posts of the past couple of days). Maybe not their best album, but alt-country hero jim james knows his way around a tune and guested on 'I'm Wide Awake...'
Highlight - One Big Holiday

The Match

2005-05-26T15:24:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never watched an edge-of-your-seat game of football."

Still haven't.

Although I believe there was one last night.

Martyn my work mate is 'made up'. (I think that would be the appropriate scouse term) He has also been intensely hung over.

As I mentioned. I didn't watch it.

Having worked until 8pm, I drove home and flicked on the TV. The match was about 20 minutes in.

AC Milan were winning 1-0.

"Oh well, that's that." I thought.

Stuck a video of the latest Doctor Who in. Watched that instead.

An hour later, I figure I'd best check what the score was.

3-3! How did that happen? (Apparently AC Milan went 3 goals up in the first half, only for Liverpool to claw their way back to a level score in the second half).

Never has that "Game of two halves" cliche seemed so appropriate...

Well, I figured I'd watch extra time. So I didn't miss it entirely.

I saw the Wonder double save towards the end of extra time. I also saw the Liverpool keeper doing a very impresive Bruce Grobelaar impression during the penalties...

Still. It worked. Liverpool collect the European Cup for the 5th time, and get to keep it.

I'm rather annoyed I didn't have a little bit more faith and stick with the match.

Doctor Who was dead scary, though. All spooky gas masks and small children crying for their mummy.

"What sporting moment do you wish you'd seen?"

FYLP:
Bright Eyes: I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning - What superlatives can be used? One of the best albums so far this year. Oh, and heavily used in the show I directed. Despite this, it hasn't lost it's charm.
Highlight - First Day Of My Life

Big Fibber

2005-05-25T18:30:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never felt the need to own up to fibbing on my blog before."

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a habitual liar. The vast majority of content you'll find here is 100% true. In fact, I sometimes surprise myself about how honest I tend to be here.

However, I feel I need to set the record straight.

I never bought any eggs.

This might mean nothing to you if you have come to this blog recently. However, when I was in a blog transition stage about a couple of months ago, I claimed to buy a whole load of eggs.

I challenged people to come up with a use for all these eggs that I had 'bought'. The best suggestion proved to be painting with the egg yolk.

I never did it.

THERE WERE NO EGGS.

It was all a product of my feverish imagination. The show I had been working on for 3 months had been completed (a tad unsatisfactorily) and I was restless. Perhaps a little stir crazy.

Did I expect to shock and engage people with such a bizarre gambit as buying lots of eggs?

Wasn't this a pretty tame opening salvo into the wonderful web world?

What, indeed, was I thinking?

Perhaps it was a metaphor. A birthing thing...

I don't know why I am fessing up either.

I mean, it's not like I've got a regular readership.

(Now if that's not a feeble attempt to get people commenting, then I don't know what is).

All I can ask for is your forgiveness.

FORGIVE ME BLOGGERS.

;-)

For your listening pleasure:-
Belle & Sebastian: Push Barman To Open Old Wounds - Not entirely sure why I bought this. After all, I've got all the EP's that this collection collates. Artwork's hardly reason enough. Still... that's impulse buying for you.
Highlight - Slow Graffiti

Suits

2005-05-24T17:49:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never been to a Regional Economic Strategy Review before."

(Apologies, there now follows a work related post...)

The venue was Queen's Hotel, Leeds. As I've been given the job of developing business in the Public Sector, what better way to start my networking than this gathering of the great and the good?

The start time was 9.30am. As per usual, I overestimated how long it would take to get there, and so had half an hour to scoot around the Virgin Megastore. Hence, I found myself in the corner of a lobby next to where the event was with

a) 1 cup of coffee,
b) 1 black brochure documenting the agenda and background information, and
c) all my jacket and trouser pockets full of CDs.

Having not been to an event like this before, I found it intensely intimidating. I looked for a face who I knew, but none were forthcoming. It was with some relief that, after 15 or 20 minutes of pretending to be deeply engrossed in the brochure, a fellow from the University of York came and chatted to me. It was clear from the outset of our conversation that his reasons for attending were quite different to mine, but I latched onto him until we entered the hall for the initial speakers.

From 10 until 10.45, we were bombarded with inspirational words from the following people:-
a) The Chair of Yorkshire Forward (our local Regional Development Agency),
b) A representative from the Government,
c) A representative from the local council, and
d) A Strategy Director (again from Yorkshire Forward).

We were then shepherded into 5 separate 'workshops'. Now, my concept of the term workshop is maybe slightly different having been involved heavily in theatre for the last few years. To me a workshop does not usually involve 30-40 odd people all sitting face forward in rows (in a poorly air conditioned excuse for a room) while someone chairs a discussion.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it's not entirely conducive to free speech. Looking at the backs of lots of other people's heads. Maybe if we'd been sat in a circle...

I'd plumped for the 'Business' Workshop when I filled in my application form. From the feedback later, I think I picked the right one. Even so, I reckon I may well have been the youngest there by a couple of years. I loitered at the back.

The Chair of Yorkshire Forward ducked his head in. I took my moment and made a few comments on the nature of Raising Awareness about Management Training Courses, and how support was out there, but often the message was blocked by over zealous receptionists. There was some head nodding, and the chair of our workshops felt it pertinent to feedback to the whole event when we re-entered the great hall at noon.

Feedback was collated from all 5 workshops, before questions were allowed from the floor. At this point, I couldn't think of any further pertinent comments, so kept schtum. Some other people who should have kept schtum talked. In particular, one old chap springs to mind. He went into a long diatribe about the Railway Provision between Leeds and Bradford. Clearly he had studied the historical facts in some detail, and was well on the way to providing us with a ten minute lesson before he got cut off in his prime by the panel.

Comments from the RSPB and the bloke I'd spoken to earlier from York proved more relevant.

We broke for lunch. A client of ours grabbed me for a chat. I chatted to another bloke from Rotherham over a bite to eat.

Then, I escaped.

Note to self - definitely more preparation required before I attend another of those...

"When did you last feel a bit out of your depth?"

For your listening pleasure:
The Magic Numbers: Forever Lost - Yeah, I know I was raving about them last week. They're still as good now, and the video's not bad either.

Letdown

2005-05-23T23:16:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never seen Episode III:Revenge of the Sith."

I rectified this situation last night.

Enough said.

For your listening pleasure:
Gorillaz: Demon Days - Second album from Damon Albarn's cartoon band, released today. On first listen, it's pretty good. Of course, the single's a doozy...
Highlight - Feel Good Inc.

Roulette

2005-05-22T22:44:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never come out of a casino with more money than when I went in."

It was my sister's birthday celebrations yesterday night. She'd decided she wanted to go to a casino.

Now I've been to casinos a couple of times previously and not been wowed. Gambling's not really my bag. Still, it was my sister's treat, and if that's what she wanted to do, that's what we were going to do.

I travelled over to her house on the outskirts of Manchester late afternoon. She's been there for a couple of years but I've never visited before, mainly down to the fact that we usually catch up at my parents. She's got a pretty cool pad.

We necked a pizza before catching a cab into town. Three pints of Guinness in a local pub and the group were ready for some action. We headed over to the Hard Rock. Now, I didn't realise they did casinos, and it was quite a bizarre experience to wander into the foyer and discover a life size image of Jarvis Cocker greeting people on the door. What he's got to do with gambling (or Manchester for that matter) is beyond me.

It was very reassuring that the woman behind the counter had LOVE and HATE tattooed across her knuckles...

We signed in, then descended the stairs to where it was all happening. Scoped the place out, got another pint. Tried a fruit machine, then found myself strangely drwn to the roulette table. After watching the form for 5 minutes or so, I figured I'd go for £10 of chips. I was given 10 discs of red plastic.

Having got out £50, I was prepared for an expensive evening. It was not to be. My first two bets and I won both.

Up on chips I made a fatal error.

"It's bad luck to take a winning bet off the table" the croupier commented. So it proved. My luck nose-dived and I found myself back down to 2 meagre chips in no time at all.

I produced another £20 note. Got 20 more chips. Plonked them down in front of me and placed my last two chips from my initial stake...

I never needed to break into that second £20 stake. Somehow I lucked out on every other whirl of the wheel. In half an hour my sister and the majority of her friends had blown their cash. I had over doubled mine.

£70 of chips sat in front of me. I cashed them in, and we headed elsewhere.

Now, a £40 profit may not seem like a big deal to some of you. To me I was on top of the world.

The night became bizarre.

We went to queue outside a club. By pure coincidence, who should be in front of me in the queue but a friend from Bradford's ex boyfriend. So what? Well, as he lives over 100 miles away and I live about 50 miles in the opposite direction, it was odd that we would converge in a city which neither of us are really connected to.

We eventually gave up on the queue and headed to a late night bar. There, I was introduced to a band my sister knew. One of them looked oddly familiar.

"Did you go to Bramhall High?" he asked me.

"No, but my mates from junior school did."

"Oh, so were you at Hursthead?"

"Yeah, that's right."

"How old are you?"

"Nearly thirty."

"Do you know Johnny Bennett?"

"Know him? Know him?" I exclaimed. "He was only my third best mate."

(Isn't it weird how kids do that? David Yard was my best mate, followed by Anil Noorani, then Johnny. We all kind of lost touch when we went to seniors)

"I'm his younger brother."

So, three strange occurrences.

1) I come into unexpected money.
2) I meet someone I know from Bradford.
3) I meet the brother of a mate who I've not seen in 20 years.

I got back to my sister's. Had a piece of toast. Popped to brush my teeth. Hanging at the window was the self same pendant that adorns the top of this blog. I don't remember Sarah having been given this by my parents, but that's the only explanation.

Isn't it?

Today's listening:
Rufus Wainwright: Want Two. Hmmm. Jury's still out as to whether this is as good as Want One or Poses. However, he's still the campest genius around.
Highlight - The Art Teacher

Soundtrack

2005-05-21T15:06:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never documented my listening tastes."

Lots of bloggers I stumble across seem to highlight the tunes they choose to soundtrack their surfing. I thought I'd start to do this, too.

Today's listening while wandering around BlogExplosion has been...

Hal - A rather wonder debut album. All sun drenched harmonies. Can't decide whether they are more like Sunflower era Beach Boys or Crosby Stills Nash & Young circa Deja Vu...
Highlight = Play The Hits

Martha Wainwright - Another debut. Rufus's sister and Loudon's daughter. She's chosen to go for a Patti Smith countrified vibe. It works.
Highlight = Bloody Mother F***ing A**hole (her censoring, not mine).

Antony and The Johnsons: I Am A Bird Now - Chamber music hasn't been done with this level of androgyny in a long while. Plenty of guest appearances, including Devendra Banhart, Boy George, Lou Reed & Rufus Wainwright. He gets me from the first track.
Highlight = Hope There's Someone

Hot Hot Heat: Elevator - Canada's finest new wave exponents. Very reminiscent of peak era Elvis Costello and the Attractions. Intensely immediate.
Highlight = Pickin' It Up

I hope you seek them out and enjoy as much as I have.

"What music would you recommend?"

Debrief

2005-05-20T23:52:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never been so pleased with a show debrief."

I was expecting a show down.

The 5 main members of the production team for I Have Never sat in the same room for one last time.

Me.

Emma.

Carl.

Cat.

Johnboy.

Presiding, a very generous Dan, who'd not seen the show but had stepped in to chair in Iain's absence.

We kicked off. I recounted the points I made here a couple of days ago. Pushed for positives, I also highlighted that
a) it was the first time in a long time that the group had attempted a devised piece,
b) some fantastic performances had been drawn out of people unexpectedly, and
c) it boded well for the future that other people were considering the devising process.

Then it was Carl's go. He highlighted his frustrations at not having final say on artistic decisions - a frustration he understood comes with the role of assistant director. It also emerged that the cast had not been truly aware of his role until relatively late in the process.

Emma spoke for both herself and Cat (Cat was making notes). She reiterated the frustration felt, the improvements that could have been made in communication and the difficulty in defining roles - on the one side being producer, offering directorial support, but also (with BUTG Chair head on) being supervisory to the show as a whole.

Johnboy talked about some of the unexpected elements, like the problems with sound recording and the use of flour on stage, which could have been solved earlier 'had we known'.

I listened.

For the most part, I shut up. I retaliated a couple of times, but as minimally as I could muster.

I thought pretty much everything said was harsh but fair. That people can be as honest as they were can only be a good thing.

I look forward to possibly revisiting I Have Never in the autumn.

Fingers crossed it gets through the election process in the next week...

"What has pleasantly surprised you recently?"

The Magic Numbers @ The Cockpit

2005-05-19T00:42:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never reviewed a gig before."

'Three. That's the magic number.'

So sang/rapped De La Soul way back in '89. They were in Leeds tonight, too. I wasn't going to see some past it rappers, though (come on! They've had their time).

Tonight I was to see The Magic Numbers.

My workmate Matt had seen them a couple of months back supporting Travis and had been profusely singing their praises. Matt, having studied music at Uni (and a bit of a Beach Boys fanatic) should know what he's on about.

Unfortunately, due to my work commitments I'd missed the first support band, but caught up with Matt and a couple of others in time to catch The Pippettes.

Imagine a cross between The Ronnettes and Belle & Sebastian with a bit of the B52's thrown in. Fronted by 3 girls in coordinated black with white polka dot outfits, the rest of the band lurking in the shadows (and in faux school uniform). Regimented cheerleader style hand movement accompaniement to all the tunes. A way with a one liner-between-song banter.

A bit of work on the harmonies and they could be onto something.

Popped to the bar. Got buffeted about. Secured a pint of Guinness then back for the main attraction.

We'd definitely picked the right night to see The 'Numbers. All four came on beaming, presumably aware that NME had given them the precious accolade 'Track Of The Week' for new single Forever Lost that very day. Yet here were a band confident enough to throw in said track as early as fifth on the bill.

This confidence was not unfounded. During the gig I reckon I racked up a higher 'hairs on the back of my neck-raising' per hour ratio than I have in a long while. They may look like the bastard offspring of Abba, The Mamas & Papas and that mad West Coast Scientist character from The Fast Show, but they sure pack the tunes in.

Of particular note was 'Hymn for Her', in which duelling xylophones were employed. Yes. Duelling. Xylophones. And this was a good thing.

Oh, and they also had a song with the recurring motif "You're living in denial..." How could I do anything but love them?

They wrapped up with a hoe down which some wag from a gig two nights previously had decided to name 'The Beard'. I wonder if that name will hold... This was a gig which, like the T-Shirt I couldn't stop myself from buying from the merchandise stall, was tight in all the right places.

Tonight, The Magic Number was most definitely these four.

Note to self: Must buy the single on Monday...

"What's your favourite band of the moment?"

Hit The Jackpot

2005-05-18T19:47:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never won 50 Mystery Credits in one click on Blog Explosion before."

I thought I had hit the jackpot!

There I was, resigned to a morning of surfing. 10 or 11 clicks in and the usual screen pops up. Except, instead of the usual 2,3 or 5 Mystery Credits, what does it say?

50!!!

Of course, I still surfed for a couple more hours. It just meant that I could be slightly more relaxed about it.

;-)

"What's the best thing you've ever won?"

(Don't get me wrong. I've won better things than this - namely the competition to write a rap I entered as a teen - but it's been a while.)

I Have Never revisited...

2005-05-17T18:03:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never had such thorough feedback from a cast before."

The Show debrief looms close now. (If you are asking yourself 'What show?', have a look back in the archives here. It goes backwards from March 15th...)

The producer sent me the 'anonymous' cast feedback today.

What a punch in the guts.

It was a real mix of responses. They didn't hold back. I was initially left a bit winded.

Still, as I think I've mentioned, it wasn't exactly a beaming success. I guess I have to accept that, as Director and focal point for the cast, I deserved both barrels.

It wasn't an utter panning of my directorial ability. Some feedback included was very positive. However, at least two people were incredibly negative.

That's their perogative. I guess if I had trusted someone to steer me through a show, I would be pretty vitriolic when the audience didn't fall in love with the product.

"Love me or hate me, but spare me your indifference."

Lessons learned:

1) When it comes to devising, don't run before you can walk. Initially I had factored for '5 or 6' cast. Somewhere along the line I got tied up in the number of 9 and having understudies. With 11 cast it was always going to be hard to keep them all feeling happy and included.

2) More regular production meetings. I can't help feeling that the production team at times felt a little stuck in the dark. Although we got a good email process going, this doesn't ever match face to face, sit down stuff.

3) Don't introduce set at the last minute. Large unwieldy blocks ended up getting strewn around the space, distracting from the action. Introduced a week or two earlier and they could have been used more extensively. If it is not humanly possible to have the actual thing that early, prepare the cast for their inclusion with some equivalent prop.

4) Let the cast do the devising. Although the show employed the cast's stories, I took on the role of ordering them and 'selling' the idea back to them. At the time I persuaded them, but in reality 'ownership' was not achieved. This meant the through line was lost.

5) It's not about thinking, it's about doing. Think too much and you lose the audience. The connections on stage have to be understandable on first viewing as it's unlikely that people will see it more than once.

6) If a scene isn't working, don't be afraid to pull it. By leaving it in there, you not only stand the risk of alienating the rest of the cast, but the person whose scene it was in the first place.

7) Don't get too attached. My own belief, right up to the dress, that this was going to be a great show, blinded me to the unexpected comedown afterwards. Oh, what a comedown.

8) You will always be your own worst critic. Whatever anyone else says, you have usually already thought it and then some...

9) Failure is one of the best ways to learn, but if you don't get straight back up again you'll only regret it.

When I was a kid, I went to a fun pool.
It had a water slide.
Excited, I climbed the steps.
Sat at the top.
Pushed off.
The downward force caused me to bash my head on the slide and temporarily knocked me unconcious. I was underwater for 30 or 40 seconds before I came to, realised my predicament and pushed towards the surface.

What did I do?

I climbed back up the slide...

Conundrum

2005-05-16T23:07:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never posted a riddle here."

This afternoon I got hung up on a riddle. I thought I'd put one on here while I was thinking.

What do you go into through one hole,
Come out of through three?
When you are inside you are ready to go out,
But when you are out you are still inside?

Google Eviction

2005-05-15T19:11:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never been wiped off Google without trace..."

Being a bit of a narcissist on the sly, I thought I'd type in "I Have Never" in Google. You know, just to see where I stood.

When I'd done this a couple of months ago, I'd rated about 4th on the list. That's not just in the UK either, but Worldwide.

I was buzzing. It could only be a matter of weeks, I thought, and I'd be beating ee cummings poem...

It's all gone wrong, though. For some reason I'm nowhere to be found.

Even when I type in referrals which used to be absolutely fail safe routes to here (bizarrely, Knaresborough Traffic Warden being one) they just don't work.

"Why has this happened?"

If someone could shed some light on this, it would be much appreciated...

Structure

2005-05-14T16:41:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never..."

Blah... Blah... Blah...

"Why is that?"

Ball

2005-05-13T10:26:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never looked forward to a Formal Ball less."

I predict that tonight is going to suck.

I base this on three things.

a) Only nine of the theatre group are attending. Everyone else will be either from BUSOMs (Bradford University Society for Operettas & Musicals) or BUMS (Bradford University Musical Society). Their humourous acronyms are about as funny as they get...

b) I am going to a work event tomorrow in York, so won't be able to drink to excess.

c) I don't even remotely fancy any of the attendees.

Last year's Performing Society Ball was so different...

a) There must have been about 20+ of the theatre group there. This led to all manner of gossip. One of the female members of the group had an utter wobbler and ran around like a loon threatening to take her own life (purely to gain attention for herself). A couple of relationships collapsed in a mess and one or two were initiated...

b) I drank to excess. Towards the end of the night someone put on "You can leave your hat on" by Tom Jones. I found myself on the stage with a fellow theatre group member... we both were chucked sailor's hats... Let's draw a veil over the ensuing proceedings... (suffice to say we didn't quite do the Full Monty)

c) My interest in an old flame was rekindled. (I say old flame - we were never an item, but I lusted after her extensively) I'd not seen her for a year or so as she'd completed her degree and moved back over the pennines. Tonight we sat and chatted in depth. Agreed that any differences we might have had were behind us. Danced up a storm...

I don't know what it is about dancing. There is something profoundly carnal about it, however proficient you are. That night, in my head, I was Astaire and she was Rogers. Busby would have been proud. We whirled and span. Tango'd. Polka'd. The works.

It didn't amount to anything.
It never does.
I returned to the ornate hotel room upstairs alone.
For a couple of hours, though, I was on cloud nine...

"How can I spice up proceedings this evening?"

Dad

2005-05-12T19:11:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never talked about the relationship I have with my dad here."

I thought I'd better redress the balance a bit. Don't want people thinking I'm some sort of mummy's boy.

This year I will be exactly half my dad's age. He celebrated his 60th back at the start of April, I'll be 30 in July.

Bizarrely, in my head that means I've lost.

Am I really that competitive? That I would consider having a kid just to beat my dad?

No. 'Course not. It still niggles, though. By my age, my dad had studied at Oxford (got a 1st in Chemistry), was happily married and mum was pregnant.

Where did it all go wrong?

I suppose things are different. People get married and have kids later in the UK. They grow up slower than they used to.

Why is that?

"Why do I still hang around with people who are a decade younger than me?"

I'm avoiding the point. Again.

This is supposed to be about dad.

We have a typical bloke relationship, I suppose. We hardly say a word to each other. The usual cliche occurs if I call home. Dad will answer the phone, we exchange a couple of words and then he'll get mum who I end up spending half an hour nattering to. Or... Mum will answer the phone, we'll natter for half an hour, she'll ask "Do you want to have a word with your dad?", I'll grudgingly say yes and then have just that. A Word.

OK, I'm exaggerating, but not by much.

I remember when I was learning about sales (at the Big Chemical company...) that one thing really hit home with me.

"The Power of Silence". (ask me, and perhaps I'll explain this more in a later post)

Dad can do TPOS. He embodies TPOS. This could be partly down to his hearing going a bit, now. Still, he's been able to do TPOS most of his life.

As a family, we pretty regularly go out to restaurants for a meal. Maybe, my picture tells you that I'm pretty keen on food, but the moment I dread is right near the end. My mum and sister will decide to head off to the toilet together, leaving me and dad alone. Surrounded by people but silent.

When I was a teenager, I attempted to bridge this. I'd aim to make some sort of enquiry relating to his work, a hike he'd recently been on, or one of the choirs he was in.

I don't bother as much these days. I guess I've got to accept that not everyone feels the need to be verbose.

Sure he's mellowed a bit. Now retired, he dedicates his time to running the local branch of Samaritans. This initially bemused me.

Here was someone who I would never consider going to with a problem, out offering his services as a sounding board to complete strangers! (Selfish, I know) I should be proud. Proud as when mum won her photography award. Proud of the way he has chosen to use his retirement in voluntary support for others.

Do you know the film Big Fish? I guess our relationship is the reverse of that. I'm the one who weaves all sorts of bizarre stories out of my life, while dad chooses to keep things to himself. Private.

When I resigned from the big Chemical company, I was given 6 months 'Gardening Leave'. What a wonderful euphemism that is...
It meant that they gave me my company car, and paid me full whack, provided I didn't go directly to the competition.

I wasn't likely to, but this didn't stop me taking them up on the offer.

I have to be honest, though, and say that I pissed that six months away. I gave the car back eventually, and began to see my accumulated funds contract. It was a curious limbo. Not knowing what I wanted to do with the rest of my life meant that I was too scared to even consider the options. A classic example of 'it's better to do nothing'. Looking back, this was pretty high on the 'most stupid' list.

I was about a month or so away from having to sell my flat. Less than £1000 in the bank, with the mortgage alone being £400.

Dad came to visit. Alone.

He sat me down. Told me that he was going to employ some of the techniques he had learned at Samaritans. That it was going to be as hard for him as it was for me, but that it needed to be done.

We looked at my options together. Wrote numerous things on big sheets of paper. "What were my goals?" "Where did I see myself in 5 years time?"

I cried.

It was a pretty weak attempt at avoiding reality. Dad steered me through it, told me that it was my choice whether I kept my independence or ended up back living with him and mum.

I couldn't imagine that. My independence is very important.

The next day I went out, applied for 3 jobs and signed up to a couple of agencies. Within a week I had a job. Sure, it was in a call centre on little more than minimum wage, but I was back on the ladder... I have never applied myself to something so hard.

Six months down the line I became a team manager.

Thanks dad.

Spreading the word...

2005-05-11T20:28:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never agreed to show someone else how to blog..."

Have put myself in a bit of a spot.

I'd been asked by a colleague to see how much it would cost to hire my mum to take photographs for our new company website. So I called this afternoon.

I explained the situation. While I was on I mentioned that she might want to be updating her website, as it still says copyright 2004.

Forgetting, of course, that my sister's ex boyfriend (who doesn't stay in touch) had been responsible for setting up the website in the first place. With him now absent, she has no-one who would update this without charging.

Mum treats her computer as some sort of animate mythical object. Rather than applying logic to it, there is a vague belief that it has a life of it's own. It needs to be treated like a pet and gently coaxed to do things.

Unfortunately, the last time I used her computer coincided with mum's first experience of 'spam'. She convinced herself that, even though I had been using the computer to check my own email account, this had resulted in porn appearing in her email account. See? Not logical.

I was deeply hurt by this accusation. Partly because it was completely unfounded, partly because I think that if I was stupid enough to search for dodgy pics on her computer, I would have made a decent attempt to cover my tracks...

I'm going over this weekend to celebrate Grandma's birthday.

I'll also be teaching mum how to blog and download pictures.

Wish me luck...

Her parting shot was:

"Oh, you can show me your blog as an example."

I don't know how I feel about this. I've read about other bloggers self-censoring when their family finds their blog. I'm going to have to read through and prepare myself for any revelations.

She may not be curious.

Who am I kidding? It'll be like finding someone's diary open.

I will not be deleting anything, though. I may live in denial, but I won't deny my internal reality.

"What would you do?"

Trust

2005-05-10T23:07:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never been dropped during a Trust Building Exercise."

Second rehearsal tonight for the show. As shadow director I got involved with the warm ups designed to build unity within the team.

We did the usual games. One of these was where one person stands in the centre of a circle of people with their feet together and eyes closed. They then have to let themselves fall in any direction and the group have to support the weight...

I was the penultimate pendulum person.

I stood in the centre.

I closed my eyes.

I rocked to one side. It was fine.

I rocked to the other and fell straight to the floor...

(For any Brits reading, imagine the classic 'Only Fools and Horses' moment where Delboy attempts to lean on a bar and misses - I'm guessing it must have looked like that. I don't know, I had my eyes closed.)

"When was the last time you were involved in a 'prat fall'?"

I'd like to make it very clear that I did not get my own back on the Director who

a) Had been responsible for dropping me.

and b) Was the final pendulum...

Oh no!

Art History

2005-05-09T23:34:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never wondered about the nature of early art."

Watched a fascinating programme tonight on TV (BBC2 Mondays 9pm).

It suggested that the reason earliest man's sculpture tend to represent the female form as this, is down to a uniting elemental need to exaggerate that which is important to it.

The programme explained this by way of seagulls, who tend to peck at their mother's beak when they are hungry. It has been shown that they are responding to the red spot on the beak. This can be replicated by taking a yellow stick with a piece of red tape attached. Still, the baby seagulls peck, not realising that this is merely a representation replacing the real thing. What is even more peculiar is that when they are offered a yellow stick with 3 pieces of red tape attached, their pecking becomes even more frenzied, and they will ignore a stick with only one piece of tape placed alongside.

Hence exaggeration is proved in nature. Thus, an unnatural tendency to emphasise certain parts of the female torso, while ignoring others is born.

Still, it occurs to this day. We need only look at Lara Croft's popularity...

"In a similar situation today, what part of your body would you exaggerate?"
(there, feel a little more justified to be in the arts sector again. Was lapsing into personal diary territory...)

Shadowing

2005-05-08T20:19:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never been a shadow director before."

At last! A new theatre project to get my teeth into. Well, sort of.

The rehearsals started for 'The Cleaners' today. Yes, the show I auditioned for and failed to get in. Well, I went back to the director with tail between legs and he's let me tag along through the process.

Today started off badly. On the way I thought I'd stop at MaccyD's to get me a sausage and egg McMuffin. No dice, though. The woman at the drive thru informed me that they stopped serving breakfast at 10.30 (on a Sunday!). I looked at the car clock. It was 10.35. Grrrrr...

Arrived at the theatre to discover the female half of the cast already there. Amanda had worked on I Have Never with me, and I'd acted alongside Lisa in a play called 'The Secret Seven save the world'. Iain (the director) was also here. No sign of the lads, though.

Both are new. Anthony rolled up about 20 minutes late. Henry, when his mother was called, turned out to be in hospital with some unknown issue. Not an auspicious beginning. Iain decided that, rather than working through the whole day sans a body, we would do a read through, then reconvene on Tuesday. Hopefully, Henry would be back with us by then.

I took his part in the read through. It merely enhanced my envy that I was not in the play. Even on a first read aloud, it is clear that there are some absolutely hilarious moments. Truly this is going to be a must see.

Skunk, the role I covered, is a drug addled loon with a Scarface fascination. I doubt I did it justice, my middle class upbringing rather clashing with a character portrayal who seems to mouth 'know what I mean' plus an expletive every other syllable.

(Ironically, 'Know What I Mean' is a phrase close to my heart. As a teenager I won a national NSPCC competition to write a rap. It was called 'The Green Machine' and the Chorus went:

"N'at I Mean?
N'at I Mean?
N'at I Mean?
It is time to think Green."

Yes. Cringe-worthy I know. Fortunately the rest of the lyrics are lost in the depths of time...)

So, Henry's absence meant we wound up by 1pm, just in time for lunch at the local...

"How much input should a shadow have?"

Alcohol

2005-05-07T13:35:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never got really drunk with my work colleagues at Dialog."

When I was at 'the big chemical company', towards the end, my boss Colin accused me of being an alcoholic.

He'd organised to meet me in a cafe in the shadows of Old Trafford. We were to see a distributor that day and then have 'a chat'.

I don't think I've ever told anybody this.

The cafe was attached to some middle brow hotel. It was quite posh - you know, the type of place that has sugar crystals instead of just sugar. We ordered two cappucinos and sat down.

We were the only people in the place. Except for the waitress, who disappeared for the majority of the time.

It was eerie.

He dropped the bombshell. He'd been disappointed by my performance over the last 12 months, and was giving me 3 months to turn things around. Even then, he told me that he couldn't foresee me staying on the commercial side of the business and that I should look into a new role 'maybe in Germany'.

Having been to the German European Centre a couple of years prior, this was not an outcome I cherished. It's not that I've got anything against Germany, per se, it's just that it would have been the equivalent of relocating to Norfolk (not that I've got anything against... oh). I'm a city person, and this plant was 'in the sticks'.

What really hurt me that day was being accused of being an alcoholic, though.

"I think you've got a drink problem".

I didn't perceive it that way. Still don't.

He had witnessed me polish off large amounts of alcohol on numerous occasions, predominately at sales meetings soirees. Surely everybody drinks to excess at those events? The only difference was that, being rather larger in stature than the majority of the sales force, I could drink them under the table.

I remember one such event. We were at some posh hotel in the home counties. I took on the challenge of having a shot of each spirit the bar had. I succeeded, but had to lie low the next day for fear that I would still be over the limit if I attempted to drive home.

I look back to the day, sitting near Old Trafford. Still, I think:

"How DARE he?"

He hardly knew me. In the preceding 12 months, Colin had visited me only once. I'd attended 4 sales meetings.

On that basis he was accusing me of being an alcoholic.

Within the month, I rang him and told him I was resigning.

I went through a wilderness period (maybe I'll document it here in the future). Eventually, I became a manager.

I ensure now that I don't get (overly) drunk in the presence of work colleagues. Even last year, when the company I worked for folded, I still only had two pints and then went home.

I guess it's to do with control.

So why the heck I've agreed to go on a pub crawl this afternoon is anyone's guess...

"Why do the majority of UK residents perceive drinking to excess as a fitting pass-time?"

Rubbish

2005-05-06T13:08:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never looked back at a week of posts with such disdain."

Not my best week this week.
Note to self.
Could do better.

Scratch that.

Will do better.

Doubling Up

2005-05-05T20:55:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never attempted to second guess a General Election."

Woo hoo! Tim won The Apprentice, as predicted here last night. Now let's see if I can get two in a row.

I don't think I'm going out on too much of a limb to say that I think Labour will get their historic third term tonight.

Yes. The Iraq War was a grosse faux pas that has alienated the left of the party. Seriously, though, who else are they going to vote for?

Liberal Democrats? Hmmm, maybe. Charlie Kennedy clearly plans well in advance. Getting your wife to give birth during the run up to the election is no mean feat. On the surface they look like a new option, but having dug deep, I found that they plan to restructure the Department of Trade and Industry. This (theoretically) would put me out of a job as fast as the Conservatives and their tax cuts.

So, Hobson's choice for me.

"How about you other Brits? Over the pond, how much has filtered to you about the election?"

The Final

2005-05-04T20:01:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never been as hooked on a job interview."

No. I'm not looking for a new job. I'm happy where I am.

I'm talking about The Apprentice.

Normally I hate stuff which has been copied from American TV. I didn't see the original with Donald Trump, and wild horses wouldn't have dragged me to watch it.

Sir Alan Sugar has intrigued me, though.

Why for so long did he cling to Paul? Ben & Miriam were (in my eyes) clearly better candidates. Sure, Paul was entertaining TV - ducking here, diving there - but could Sir Sugar (What a great nickname that would be... "Hi, I'm Sir Sugar") really have put up with him? I think not.

I thought that Dragon's Den would be the peak of this 'Reality Business' TV genre. How wrong I was.

Will it be Tim or Saira tonight? In an couple of hours we'll know.

I'm nailing my colours to Tim. He's not been much in the limelight during the show, often hidden from view. Could this be because Sugar doesn't want his new recruit over-exposed? I think so.

As for Saira. You have to admire her determination, but she rubbed too many people up the wrong way. It's a cliche, but I'm a firm believer in the old 'be pleasant to people on the way up, because you don't know when you'll need them on the way down'. Sure, she can sell on a ground level. Longer term accounts which require development and buttering up? The jury's out.

Still, I look at those last two paragraphs. Twice as much to say about who I think will lose than who I think will win. Hmmm. I could be wrong.

"Who do you think will clinch it?"

P.S. Apologies for the alienation this may inspire in American readers. Normal denial resumed tomorrow. Oh, then again, perhaps not. It's the General Election.

Processes

2005-05-03T18:12:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never been able to answer a sports trivia question before."

This seems appropriate as it's the Champion's League Semi Final tonight between Chelsea and Liverpool. I'm not usually an avid football follower (I've only ever been to 3 'soccer' games), but I'm conscious that my work colleague Martyn is. Being a Liverpool supporter, the result tonight is likely to impact his mood for the rest of the week... and thus affect my working environment.

So, fingers crossed for Liverpool.

I was sat in a meeting with Martyn all afternoon discussing work processes. As this is a very dry subject, we took a five minute break midway, and were posed a trivia question:-

"What five English Football teams contain the letter X in their names?"

Any excuse to escape the processes, I plunged into this with gusto. Naturally, I insisted on solving this without electronic aid (ah the joys of the Internet), as this would extend the break...

The first four were relatively easy (which came as a bit of a surprise - I must have taken more football in subliminally than I thought).

Oxford United
Exeter City
Halifax Town
Wrexham

The fifth one had me stumped for a good five minutes, until it was pointed out that it wasn't necessarily the place name. Then it came to me!

Crewe Alexandra!

"What trivia question amuses you? Post it without the answer, and I'll try and solve it."

Bank Holiday Away Day

2005-05-02T23:16:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never been to Middleham Castle."

I'd proposed this at last week's theatre group meeting. A magical mystery tour out into Yorkshire. A randomly selected place of interest. It had received little enthusiasm.

Therefore, it was somewhat of a surprise to discover that we had two car loads of people appear outside the theatre this morning at 10.30am. Carl, Gilli, Niall, Chris and new girlfriend Jackie.

I'd decided that I was interested in searching for a castle. It had been a while since I'd been to a castle. The group concurred. We set off, Carl tailing me.

Expecting it to take only an hour and a half to reach, I had underestimated the 'Sunday Driver' nature of Bank Holiday traffic. A couple of hours in, and we decided to stop in Ripon for lunch. The cafe was OK, but not worth writing home about (or describing in any more detail here).

We then continued our trek, arriving near Middleham around about 1.30-2pm. I had become intrigued by a couple of signs that had advertised the 'Forbidden Corner'. Principally, this was because my mother had raved about the place after she had visited it, and suggested I seek it out. Here, purely by chance, it was near the castle I had intended to visit.

Surely this was a sign? I thought we should change our plans and visit this forbidden place. However, I was to be thwarted. On the signs, it explained that you had to 'book' before arriving. You could book in the local grocer's store. I strolled into the shop and enquired of the girl behind the counter how this could be achieved. She gestured to a back room and said 'The phone's in there. Just pick it up and someone will answer.'

Curiouser and curiouser...

There was a phone. It was answered instantly.

"Hello, The Forbidden Corner?"
"Oh Hi. I was interested in coming to visit the place with 5 of my friends today..."
"Sorry, I'm afraid we're fully booked. Goodbye!"

...and that was it. No explanation. Nothing.

Deflated, we resorted to our original plans. I was already considering revisiting the corner on next month's Bank Holiday...

The castle was fine. Your usual ruin, but on a pretty grand scale. Home (for a period) of my namesake Richard III. An hour or so was spent crawling in and out of holes, discovering latrines at every turn. I left with my castle desire sated (but my Forbidden Corner interest peaked).

It took even longer to get back to Bradford. We were late for the meeting. I had to apologise to the chair...

"Have you ever been to The Forbidden Corner...?

Wardrobe theft...

2005-05-01T23:43:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never suspected a TV pundit of half inching my style."

This is a bit of an odd one.

A couple of weeks ago, I was watching the Top 100 Albums on Channel 4. I have this thing about attempting to own as many albums as possible. It's a collecting bug, I guess. Tonight, it turned out I owned 85 of the 100. I was a little disappointed with this, as I'd expected to get over 90, but that's life.

I digress. The reason I mention this is that one of the talking heads was Andrew Collins. He used to write for the New Musical Express, and had been known in the nineties for doing various programmes with Stuart Maconie, a fellow scribe.

A couple of years ago I'd seen him do a show at the Edinburgh Festival with Maconie & another writer. It was a retrospective of their days on the NME. It had been entertaining, but I'd wanted more juicy stories on rock stars, which were unfortunately not forthcoming.

On the top 100 show I was now watching, he was wearing the T shirt I had been wearing in Edinburgh...

I thought it a bizarre coincidence. What were the chances of him wearing that self same, light blue T shirt with "Seven" emblazoned on the front? Not as small as I thought. I'd purchased it at Next - the high street shop. Clearly TV pundits earn less than I thought...

This got filed away in my head, but I thought nothing more about it until tonight.

Tonight there was another 'list' show. The Top TV shows of the last five decades. On Channel 4.

Andrew Collins was, once again, a talking head. He wasn't wearing the T-shirt. Oh no (that must have been in the wash). He was wearing the red hooded top I had worn over the light blue T-shirt... The one emblazoned "Est. 82".

So, I've now established that Collins has two items of clothing that grace my own wardrobe. Two items that I wore simultaneously at a gig he did a couple of years ago.

What's the probability of that happening?

I blame the HitchHiker's Guide To The Galaxy... Infinite Improbability indeed.

Nose back to the grind stone...

2005-04-30T14:16:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never played such a pathetic Ten Pin Bowling game."

My lack of a post yesterday was purely out of drunkeness.

It being pay day, one of my colleagues had organised a night out. I'd had every intention to get home relatively sober and post at the end of the night. This didn't happen because I was feeling decidedly morose.

About 15 of us had signed up to go bowling. However, we were not booked in until 9pm. What to do between 5pm and 9pm? Of course! Retire to a local hostelry. Three or four pints later and it was time to go to the alley.

I've not been to this particular place before. First impressions were that it was a bit dingy. I played a game of pool with one of the customer assistants. The fact that I lost both frames should have warned me that tonight was not going to be a winner. A little too much alcohol had definitely impinged on my focus...

The lanes were now ready for us, so we got changed into our bowling shoes. The security guard who the place employed was a bit of a muppet - he ordered us to change shoes somewhere else, away from the front entrance, because we were 'Making the place look a mess'. A fine bit of customer service, if ever there was one. I finished putting my shoes on where I was, but he had deeply irritated me. Not the right mood at all to start bowling.

For the rest of the evening, this self serving jobsworth proceeded to give us grief at regular intervals, ordering us to be careful with our drinks etc. etc. I was ready to complain by the end of the night, but it turned out that one of our party knew the owner of the venue, and had complained to him direct. Suffice to say, it's unlikely the security guard will be in that job much longer.

This imbecile was not my soul source of dissatisfaction, though. My bowling was appalling. Now, I'm not a bowling king by any means, but I usually get over 100 and have been known to reach 140.

Tonight was not one of those nights.

Tonight my highest score was 72.

72!!!

I could blame various things...

a) The security guard.
b) The fact that by the time I was bowling I'd drunk 5 or 6 pints.
c) The lack of sleep I've had this week.

All feeble excuses. However, the one I can't shake is the pain in my wrist.

It's been getting worse over the last couple of weeks. I blame overuse of a mouse. There's this continual dull ache in my right wrist, which naturally intensified eah time I attempted to lift a heavy bowling ball. My aim was predominately erratic because each time I stepped up to bowl I got a shooting pain up my arm...

Some people will probably say, 'Yeah right, you just can't face the fact that you were beaten by the majority of your employees, the majority of whom are female.' Well, I can't deny that my pride was considerably punctured last night. Even so, I really should go to the doctors and get my wrist checked out.

Of course, being in Denial, I'm not actually registered with a doctor...

I'll probably just put up with the ache and hope it goes away.

Typical 'bloke' behaviour.

One things for certain, I won't be going bowling again anytime soon.

"When did you last have your pride punctured?"

Sorry, no post today...

2005-04-29T13:53:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never felt as guilty as now..."

Purposefully approaching a Traffic Cone at 90 Miles Per Hour...

2005-04-28T19:20:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never been as exhilarated behind the wheel of a car."

Wow.

I had to write about this as soon as I got home. What a day.

I got up at 6am. Drove to pick up my boss Charlotte and colleague Jeremy, who were due to join me on the driving day.

Drove another hour up towards Darlington, where Croft Race Course is. We were half an hour early and it was raining.

Anyone who knows anything about driving knows that rain is not the best condition to drive in...

We went to sign up, show our licences etc, only to discover that there was no record of us. Where we thought it was going to be a networking event for a range of AMCAT customers, it turned out that it was to be just the three of us being treated by their racing team, while other members of the public drove their luxury cars around us. Naturally, this made us feel considerably more special.

The morning remained overcast. Conditions were not best for someone who had last seen a racing track upside down. My first drive was decidedly shaky. The gear stick of the souped up Fiesta we were to spend the majority of the day driving was very sensitive. I succeeded hitting 4th instead of 2nd gear on various occasions. Lotus's (Loti? What is the plural of Lotus?) & Lamborghinis sped around me. My driving support was vey understanding.

After lunch, we had the chance to be a passenger in a racing car. By this time, the clouds were starting to clear, the course drying out. The speeds went up. Motors all around were firing loudly.

I got my second run as driver as the sun began to come out.
What a drive!
Our driving support was more than supportive, and somehow really broke down my normal safety barriers. How? Mainly by grabbing the steering wheel from the side and directing me at various cones around the course, while commanding in my ear "Put your foot down!"
Over a mere three or four laps of the course, I must have improved my lap time by a remarkable amount.

I've said it once and I'll say it again.

Wow.

More please. Soon. Thanks to all involved.

"What has recently succeeded in making your heart beat twice it's normal pace?"

Driving Day

2005-04-27T22:35:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never been a guest at a Corporate Entertainment Event."

Tomorrow that's going to change. I've been invited to attend a racing day, courtesy of the kind people who have recently installed our very expensive new phone system. I figure that I'm really going by default - I've had no real input into the purchase of said system, but both the guys who have don't yet have their driving licences...

Now, don't get me wrong. I've been to these type of events before. With the big chemical company I mentioned a couple of days ago, life was one big round of corporate entertainment. The only difference is that I've always played the role of host. At various golf days, it's been me chugging around in the buggy, the back loaded with drinks and chocolate, dealing stuff out on the freeway.

I've been to go karting numerous times. As the sponsor. Plenty of people all around me (who I don't know) all patting me on the back and thanking me for my generosity. I've always found it a bit false...

Is it going to stop me having a ball? Hell no!

One thing, though. The last time I went to a day on a racing track, I wound up upside down in a BMW.

OK, maybe I should back peddle a bit. Now my previous company were (and probably still are) profoundly interested in 'Safety Driver Training'. Good sense for their people, or cheaper insurance premiums? You decide.

Anyway, it had been decided that we should all do skid pan training. There were 7 or 8 of us, my ex boss included. The morning had passed off without a hitch.

Then my colleague John stepped up to attempt the 'Avoiding The Box' maneouvre.

I should highlight here that the training company, in it's infinite wisdom, had assured our company that it would be 'perfectly safe' to use our company cars. Hence John sat in the driving seat of his own BMW, the instructor sitting next to him, me wedged in behind John. 3 of us sat at the top end of a wet runway...

We set off. The instructor was to motion for John to deliberately swerve (as if Avoiding a Box in the road). He did so. We swerved. John corrected, then over corrected. The car went into a spin, then slid sideways towards a rather more 'grippy' part of the road. The change in surface led to the car flipping and landing on the roof.

Unless you've been in an upturned car, it's difficult to explain what an alien environment is. Once the car had stopped spinning, my sole focus was on getting out. I'd seen far too many action films where cars exploded... I wasn't going to be in it if it chose to ignite. Here I was, suspended from what had, only seconds ago, been my seat. Now it was the ceiling. Reaching up, I unhooked the seat belt and fell to the roof. The door handle was also not really designed to be opened from above, but I was out in under a minute.

John told me afterwards that his first thought was if everyone was OK. He'd asked the question in the car, and had no response from me. Adrenalin must have kicked in. I was so focussed that any extraneous sounds had been shu out. The escape mechanism had kicked in.

There was a huge kerfuffle. We were both informed that we were not to drive home (let's face it, John couldn't as his car was now a write off). Everyone was asking us if we were OK. John was as white as a sheet. I, on the other hand, saw it as a situation to joke. It had been like a rollercoaster and as no-one had been hurt, I was heard to comment 'Again! Again!' Maybe not the best way to amuse your boss, who has just been faced with the possibility he might have lost half his sales team... and the definite fact that one of the company cars is going to have to be signed off with no comeback.

So, off I am to a different race track. I won't be driving my own car, though.

What's the worst car accident you've been involved in?

Fluid

2005-04-26T23:07:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never had to dry a bathroom with a hairdyer."

Lost my point a bit in last night's post. Think I'll try and keep this short and sweet.
One of the comments I got today reminded me of a story from when I first got my job with the big American Chemical Company.

This was pre Emma. I was seeing a girl called Sonia. She'd moved into my flat down near London two or three weeks after we'd started seeing each other (don't ask... this is not that story). I, hot thrusting salesperson that I was, had been tasked with going up North for a couple of days, leaving her alone in the flat for the first time.

She'd asked me to ring her when I got to Leeds...

Now having studied in this fair city, many of my uni mates still lived here. In fact, I think I was staying at one of their houses. As soon as I got there we were down the pub, me treating my skint mates to a round. My promise of a call was long forgotten.

It hit me as I was driving back down the motorway the next day. Doh! Was I going to be in hot water when I got home. I stopped at a service station and purchased a token of apology - a green, fluffy frog shaped thing. I figured that, although it wouldn't stop me getting an ear bashing, it might reduce it's duration.

Yet, when I got home, what did I find? Not a raging, livid banshee, but someone in floods of tears, all apologetic.

We went into the front room, and I sat Sonia down. She started to explain how, as I was away, she'd decided to have a soak in the hot tub. She'd turned the taps on and, just as it was starting to run, the phone rang. It turned out to be a friend she'd not spoken to for a while. She'd perched on the sofa and got into a bit of a natter...

I'd not looked into the bathroom as I came in. Sonia led me there now. The bathroom floor was soaked. She'd been in tears because she was scared that I would lose it. She'd rung her parents. I think her mum had come over during the day to help her with a hairdryer, but still the carpet was saturated.

I just laughed. Here we both were, thinking that we'd both messed up. Expecting the worst. Each as bad as the other.

I gave her the frog thing. Told her not to worry, it would dry out eventually. Apologised for not calling.

It lasted about three months.

Why does it seem that my relationships hit the buffers after three months?

Sales Plan

2005-04-25T23:34:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never tried to write a sales plan."

OK. I know that sounds mind numbingly tedious, but I have been running away from my past work history for too long. I am steeped in sales up to my neck.

I used to work for A Big American Chemical Company. I gave them six years of my life.

The first three years I really enjoyed.
I was straight out of Uni and into a well paid job. I was soon driving a company car (a BMW) and out on the road.

Selling insulation into the building industry. Again, not riveting, but hey, how many jobs are?

I really enjoyed sales, too. The buzz of persuading someone to buy something that hours, days, weeks ago they would not have considered. My ethics were important to me and I believed totally in the product.

Then Emma joined the company. I'd been single for a while. She came in to replace my boss's outgoing secretary.

We got on. After a couple of months we 'really' got on. I guess I persuaded her. I sold the idea of me to her. The buzz of the sell maybe blinded me to the importance of the after sell.

Looking back, I was naive. After three months it petered out. For me, that three months had been great. She'd been a support at work, promoting my best features to my boss. I'd been very demonstrative about our relationship. Foolishly I told everyone at work. I'd meet her when she flew up to Manchester from London with flowers. I'll never forget the look of disgust on her face.

"How could you embarrass me like this?"

I'd never thought that someone wouldn't appreciate flowers. However, I see now that she was intensely private, and this caused a scene where everyone was looking at us. I like being the centre of attention. I guess Emma didn't.

Anyway, we split just after New Year 2001. I took it badly. My work declined. I was scared, though.

How could I possibly leave this great job? That paid well? Gave me a great car?

The material things blinded me to the fact that I could never be happy in this environment. I was no longer talking to Emma, and because of that I was no longer talking to my boss. I was left hanging out in the wind.

But I stick with it for what? 2,3 years?

I read somewhere recently (another blog, sorry I forget which) that if you put a frog in a pot of boiling water it will jump straight out. Put a frog in a pot of cold water though, then gradually turn up the heat - eventually it will boil alive.

I was definitely a case of the latter. I'd found this cosy pot. I wasn't just going to jump because it got hot. I boiled.

My boss eventually told me that things needed to improve or I would have to be relocated to Germany.

Even then I considered bashing on.

What made me leave? One spring day I was sat in my parents' back garden. We were talking about work.

I admitted I hated it.

Mum said "So why don't you leave?"

I'd always thought that my parents would be disappointed if I quit this well paid, high flying job. I have this 'perfect son' thing. Here I was being faced with the fact that all my parents really cared about was my well being.

I rang my boss and quit the next day.

I remember listening to "There Goes The Fear" by Doves. It could never have been more appropriate. It was over.

I've always put this failure down to my dislike of sales. I never hated sales, though. I hated having to deal with a failed relationship. Having it rubbed in my face (Emma got together with another sales person in the company).

Now, in my new company, I am ready to re-approach sales. With open arms.

Come to daddy.

What have you learnt from failure?

Replying to comments.

2005-04-24T18:12:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never attempted to reply to everyone who has posted a comment here."

Well, I thought it would be good blog etiquette. I had an empty day today, so figured what the heck?

Two hours later and I'm pretty much spent. I decided not to post comments on people who were under sixteen, as I thought it would be perceived as a bit odd. Some bloke who's nearly thirty talking to 13 year old girls? That sort of thing tends to be frowned on.

I also found one site where my comment was rejected for 'possible dubious connotations'. Now, I can't decide whether that was because of my name, or the fact that I was referring to a post she had made about her cat. All I wanted to do was tell the story of a friend of mine who had a cat crawl into the engine space of his car... for those of you concerned, the cat was discovered safe and well before my mate had a chance to drive any great distance.

What's the funniest comment you've posted on someone else's site?

New Skin...

2005-04-23T16:50:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never wrestled so extensively with the complexities of HTML."

I've just spent about 4 hours changing this blog's template... It has sapped my creative writing juices.

What do you think of the new design?

If you like it, I must admit I can't be held totally responsible. I found it here. Thanks go to Annie once again for directing me there...

Gutted...

2005-04-22T11:52:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never been as disappointed by an answer machine message."

The results of my audition came through on my phone today. I think the title of this post says it all. No cigar (and I expect not even close).

Bugger.

Still, it's not the worst thing I've got through my mobile. That would have been just over a year ago (March 6th 2004)...

I had the role of 'Inspector' in Christie In Love by Howard Brunton. Ironically, it was also directed by Iain who has just put my theatrical plans for the next month into turmoil (yes, I know - chickens, hatched etc. Bad Me!).

I have never been as pleased by a performance I have given as I was in that show. However, I didn't invite my parents because of the subject matter. Also, dad was performing with his choir on the Saturday performance.

I knew Grandpa wasn't well. He'd not been well since Christmas. I thought I'd get down to Birmingham to see him once the play was over. I was so deeply involved. This was the part I had put my all into. The theatre had been closed for renovation work since Christmas, and we were the show which would re-open it. Through tight direction ('Don't act, BE etc.'), I had managed to dispense with my 'thinking face' (a gurning trick I would pull on a bizarrely regular basis, which in no way could be representative of thinking, but more related to some form of internal constipation).

Grandpa could wait.

So I thought.

I came off stage after the second and final night triumphant. Dashing downstairs, I got out of my 1950's get up. Took a razor to the (perculiarly) ginger moustache I had cultivated for the role. Got back into my casual gear, ready for a night out with the rest of cast and crew. Got myself a bottle of beer. Chatted with pals for a couple of minutes, then remembered I'd left my mobile on silent. Went to switch it back to ring, to discover I had 3 texts which had arrived through the evening. They were from my sister, and ran something along these lines...

"Grandpa's taken a turn for the worse. Me and mum are with grandma."

"We're at the hospital."

"Grandpa has just passed away."

Just recounting it brings a lump to the throat. I was outside, I remember that much. My back to my friends, reading the last text over and over...

I just turned around. Kat (for regular readers, my chum who is currently in Barcelona) was stood there. I'd told her about Grandpa not being well... I think that she was the only one I'd told.

She gave me a hug.

I can't thank her enough...

"When has someone been there for you when you least expected? Do you have a good samaritan?"

Nerves

2005-04-21T23:25:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never been so nervous about an audition."

I've just got back from the theatre. That was a long audition.

I got there early. I may have mentioned this before, but I'm an "on time" not an "in time" person. The former (invariably) is ridiculously early, but arrives safe in the knowledge that they'll never be late. The latter usually turns up at exactly the right time... unless they get delayed. I blame my mother - but then that's another story, and it would be churlish to complain after yesterday's gush.

Anyway, I arrive at about ten past seven to find the place deserted. Concerned I've got the wrong night (is it really Thursday? Strange. It still feels like Wednesday) I call Iain, the Director. No... I have got the right night, but he and Mike (the writer) are having a drink in the pub before things kick off.

They arrive 5 minutes later, followed by numerous people that I don't know.

I'd not expected this. I though it would be the 'usual' crowd. Clearly Iain has been spreading the word far and wide. I begin to worry. Some of these people even begin to look like 'professionals' in my warped mind. I know they're not. I think...

We go upstairs. Do a few warm up games (running around, sitting on each other's laps in a circle). Then we get asked to go back downstairs and wait our turn. We'll be called up in pairs (male/female) to do a piece of the script 'blind'.

Again this is not what I'd expected. I'm used to workshop auditions where everyone pitches in simultaneously. I get paired with Lucy, who fortunately I know. We do the scene about 3rd. I have to play the part of Mo. Mo is supposed to fancy Kat who Lucy plays. The impression I get is that he is supposed to be quite lewd about it.

I don't really do lewd.

Instead, I do a kind of cross between schoolboy crush and scary stalker. I doubt that this is what Iain and Mike are looking for.

Still, I'm really targeting the character of Jack. I'll get another chance with the next piece we do.

I return downstairs, and get chatting to someone I'd not met before called Claire. She proves highly entertaining and this passes the time very enjoyably. Then I realise that M is here.

I don't want to say too much. Let's just say that I'd cast M in the past. It didn't work out. Now I have two options.

1) Acknowledge M and bring him into the conversation.
2) Ignore him.

Even though he is sitting right in front of me.

And staring at me intently.

Naturally, I choose the path of the coward. Still he interjects anyway (after about 10 minutes...)
He tells us he is wearing two bracelets. Except they're not bracelets. They're really necklaces. He just prefers to wear them around his wrists.

We nod.
We smile.

Iain saves us. It's time to do the next section.
I get grouped with Lisa (someone I know! Hoorah) and a kid (who I don't and now feel somewhat foolish that I didn't catch his name - he'll probably get the part now).We run over the scene we've been given a couple of times. Then it's up the stairs of doom...

I can't say I gave my best. I'd been much more convincing as Jack downstairs (in my head).If you hear no more of this, you'll know that I didn't get in.

(Although I may still try and wangle a role as Shadow Director. After all it's a really good script)

When have you unexpectedly got nerves?

Pride

2005-04-20T22:35:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never been as proud as when my mum won an award."

I thought that, seeing as I'm using one of her photos, I should post about my mum.

My mum started taking photos in earnest in the early 90's. She wanted a change of direction after having been a teacher for most of her life. So, she enrolled on a two year course at a local college.

Her break came in a bizarre fashion. While taking a picture of a local fair, she came across our local politician (a Conservative who shall remain nameless) and a UK children's TV presenter (Andy Crane). The politician was playing a game which involved throwing darts at a board covered in playing cards. The TV presenter was having his picture taken with a kid by my mum.

The politician threw all three darts at the cards, and missed with every throw. Turning around, annoyed, he spied my mum and stormed over. Grabbing her by the lapels and shaking her (mistaking her for the paparazzi) he demanded.

"You'd better not have taken any pictures of me doing that!"

My mum's response was something along the lines of:-

"I'm just taking pictures of Andy here with this child. I only take pictures of happy stories."

The politician was somewhat taken aback. He retreated.

Mum told us the story when she got home. We suggested that she contact the press, but she refused to do so. You see, she didn't want to get involved in a 'nasty' story.

Now (perhaps completely unrelated) the next day, mum was offered a job. With a local newspaper. This paper had 'contacts', shall we say. Mum, naturally accepted the job. After all, it was a chance to take happy pictures and get paid.

Every now and then one of her pictures would attract the interest of the Manchester Evening News. She began to court this interest by taking the editorial team jam and bakewell tarts. This seemed to amuse them, but it also seemed to be that her pictures started to feature more prominently.

The Guardian took some interest. So did the Times Educational Supplement. 5 years or so later I found myself in the Guildhall in London at an awards ceremony.

Labour had just come to power. This particular award ceremony was one of Tony Blair's earliest engagements. He was to present the winners with their awards. I'd been invited because at the time I was living close to the capital. Mum had travelled down with other nominees from the Manchester Evening News.

The award ceremony was sponsored by Guinness (something to do with Black & White pictures I think). Now, as you may realise from last night, this is my tipple of choice. As I didn't know anyone other than mum, I drank quite a few pints...

Soon the presentation ceremony was under way. Mum was up for three awards. Each nominee was to receive a glass decanter, which meant that mum was going to at least walk away with three pieces of glassware.

In great pomp & circumstance the PM arrived. Lots of flashbulbs went off (well it was a Press Awards Ceremony). The evening got to Best Regional Black & White Picture.

My mum won it.

Drunkenly, I think I jumped up and down and punched the air. It was an exhilirating moment. She collected her (third) decanter, but this one was filled with Guinness and came with a £1000 cheque.

That particular decanter was the one I ended up carrying around. Maybe I drank a bit of the contents, too. The end of the evening rolled around and I attempted to put the (now empty) decanter back in it's box. The box had a sleeve that you had to slide it into. I decided to balance the box against my belly while attempting this task. The box slipped...

There was a sound of breaking glass. I sobered up pretty quickly. The Guildhall employees looked at each other and raised an eyebrow or two. I picked up the pieces and took them to my mum.

"Erm, I'm afraid I've dropped your main award." I said. Feebly attempting to garner sympathy, I also pointed out that I'd cut my finger on the broken glass.

"It's OK," said mum. "I've got another two of them. What would I do with three crystal decanters anyway?"

Bless her.

She got another decanter the year after and a couple of years after that.
You can see some of her pictures here.

Who are you proud of?
Do you ever tell them?

Workmate

2005-04-19T22:35:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never really got to know my work colleague Martyn."

I'd planned to get home tonight after work at 5.30pm and spend time on sorting out my blog skin. However, Marv asked me if I fancied a pint and it seemed churlish to say no.

I don't want to go into detail about what we talked about. I've had 4 pints of Guinness in the middle of the week which I never do ;-). Things have been got off our chests. Compliments have been paid. I rolled in about 10pm. My blog design can wait another day.

Oh, and I do intend to respond to every person who has been so kind to comment on my blog so far (but do be aware this is a drunk man talking).

Question is, How well do you know your work colleagues?

My fears...

2005-04-18T23:43:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never been filmed talking about my fears before."

There's a new show happening soon at the theatre I'm involved with. It's called 'The Cleaners' and it's been written by the writer in residence, Mike Stewart. I'd do (almost) anything to get a part, as there is talk of working with professional actors and the possibility of a Spring tour...

Anyway, part of the build up occurred tonight. Mike's been asking people from our theatre group to be filmed talking about their fears. Well, the audition's not until Thursday, but I thought, what the heck? Nothing better than a bit of pre audition priming...

So, this is how I found myself in a room with Mike and a cameraman. I signed a waiver form to say that anything recorded could be used in the show, and I would not be able to see the edit beforehand (I'm not averse to chucking my rights away every now and again). Mike suggested we try a couple of dummy runs, where he comes up with things I could be afraid of, and I ad lib...

First of these was 'Hair'. Have you ever heard of anyone being afraid of hair? Well, I witter on for a couple of minutes. I talk about my dislike of long hair on men. I theorise that the logic of the fear is that long hair could get trapped in heavy machinery. I conjure up an image of some long haired workman being trapped in the cogs and being inexorably sucked into the guts of the beast... I then take an abrupt left turn and discuss my concern that I might find hair in food. I never have, of course (I usually eat in fairly poorly lit environments, it makes the food look better). However, I envisage finding a curly hair... I think I'll draw a veil there.

This first train of thought has amused Mike, so he chooses to try me with another random 'fake fear'. TOMATOES.

I ask you, tomatoes? How can I work with this material? Still, I persevere.

I reminisce about when, as a kid, I stepped on a ladybug (out of normal boyhood malice). How the bug came back and haunted me in my dreams (so far, so true). Then I explain how, in the dream it became a huge animated tomato (ok, so now I'm diverging). How this giant tomato has chased me ever since, chanting 'You stood on me, now I'm going to stand on you, see how you like it." Again I throw in a curveball. My concern that so much of our daily diet is now made up of tomato. Think about it - pizza, lasagne, chilli con carne, erm, well, other stuff...
(KETCHUP ah ha!)
What would happen if our tomato supply became contaminated? I leave this hanging in the air.

I think I preferred talking about hair. Mike asks me to move onto my real fear. I decide to discuss one which I have confronted and dealt with. My fear of talking to people on the phone.

I don't know where this really came from. It was not the fear I'd intended to discuss. Good ol' me - same as usual, living in denial.
I explain how, when small, I would let the phone ring when I was the only one in the house. How, I wished we'd got an answering machine sooner. How making calls out was excrutiating when I had to talk to my grandparents. Strangers were even worse.
It seems ridiculous looking back. After all, I work in a call centre now. I faced the fear head on in my teens, doing a couple of telesales roles. It was just another part of growing up.

I didn't think it turned out as interesting as the fake fears. It definitely wouldn't have trumped my initial plan of talking about my fear of love. I reckon that would have floored him.

But I bottled it.

So, What Do You Fear?

Oink! Oink!

2005-04-17T17:31:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never drawn a pig to enable a psychological analysis before."

Pig Drawing

This was very entertaining, but way out on the tail reference... Also, think my pig should have been a little more portly...

Ooh, and I've just learnt about links. I've never done that before either. So simple, too. Doh!

Thanks are due to Annie for pointing me in the direction of the pigs.

A tech type question...

2005-04-17T01:29:00.000+01:00

Blog Background2, originally uploaded by dickdnile.

"I Have Never Changed my blog header."

Increasingly I am becoming aware that the standard blogger set up has become rather old hat for regular readers. Therefore, can anyone tell me how I could make this image sit at the top of the screen as a header?
(Do bear in mind that my knowledge of html could be fit onto the head of a pin...)

Oh, in case you were wondering where it came from... my mum is a Professional Photographer and she took it a few years ago while on holiday in Prague.

How about visiting my friend's blog?

2005-04-15T16:41:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never asked the blog community to put a smile on someone's face."

OK. This is a bit of a bizarre one. I'd like you all to go and say HI! to a friend of mine. Kat's only just started up her blog. It's

http://tales-of-a-katakus.blogspot.com

Now, she's currently on her year out in Europe and has spent some time in France. She's now made her way over the border to Spain, more specifically Barcelona. I think she's feeling a bit out on a limb, though.

As you can see from the pic on her blog, she's a lovely looking lass (she's the ginge on the left...).

Why not leave a message in Spanish? (http://babelfish.altavista.com/ might help...). Oh, and mention I sent you...

Thank's for yesterday's answers. It's bizarre the places that people meet. 3 Blues and 2 Reds (and a rogue green...or two). Interesting that no-one chooses yellow, just as squares are not so popular...

Today's random questions are:-

"Who do you wish you were?"
"Which language would you like to learn? Spanish, French or Russian?"

Chuffed...

2005-04-14T17:04:00.000+01:00

Well, that little test worked better than I'd ever expected! Thank you to Everybody who dropped by.

I make it 8 Circles and 9 Triangles (though a couple with square leanings - hmmm if a square leans I guess that makes it a rhombus...). 2 people abstaining, but thanks for saying Hi. I never thought that a simple question could produce such a varied response. I'm a circle person myself, but can't help being fascinated by triangles...

Thanks to those who tackled the 'I Have Never' question, too. Some intriguing ones to address in there. For example,

as a European (and yes, some people in Britain do consider themselves Europeans), I'm conscious of people here who harp on about Americans never leaving the USA. However, "I Have Never left Europe". In fact, the furthest I've gone is Istanbul...
"I Have Never broken a bone". Touch wood, I can agree to this. Nearest I ever got was going over my bike handlebars as a kid. I hit a knee-high wall head on (it's a long story).
"I Have Never got a traffic ticket". I've had three in my time - two for speeding and one for parking in the wrong place. The parking one was rather unfortunate. I won a haircut in a raffle. Not knowing the area where the hairdresser's was, I parked just down the street. Blissfully unaware, I had a fancy trim, really happy that I'd saved myself £10. Emerging 1/2 an hour later, I just caught the traffic warden leaving me a £40 fine...

I'd love to respond to them all. Maybe I will if my comments dry up. Here's a teaser for today...

"I Have Never asked my parents where they met before."

On the phone with my mum, it turned out they met in a field in Oxfordshire - while attending an archeological dig. Dad was studying Chemistry at Oxford, Mum's cousin was running the dig. This struck me as odd. Why do I never do that sort of thing? Then I realised that Theatre is my equivalent I suppose.

So, the questions for today.

"Where did your parents meet?"

Failing that,

"Which is your favourite primary colour, Red, Blue or Yellow?"

Testing How Many People Read This...

2005-04-13T09:45:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never had more than three comments on a post."

Bit cheeky, I know. Maybe I'm setting myself up for a fall. There will be egg on my face (and still in my cupboards...) if I now don't get any comments. Still, I fancied seeing how many people actually read this, or whether the number of hits I get are purely people passing through at speed.

So, tell me, What Have You Never Done? A big open question I know... but why not give it a whirl?

Failing that, here's a more closed question - one I asked the cast. "Given a choice of a Triangle, a Square and a Circle, which is your favourite shape?

Fingers & toes crossed...

Sorry, folks.

2005-04-12T17:04:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never written such a short post."

Work got busy today. Big meeting with the new boss. All positive. Normal service resumed tomorrow...

A weekend of activity.

2005-04-11T11:07:00.000+01:00

“I Have Never taken part in a sweepstake.”

It was the Grand National this weekend. The biggest horse race in the UK. One of my colleagues, Garry, organised a sweepstake. I picked three horses at £1 a go. They were:-

Amberleigh House – 16/1 Last Year’s winner.
Monty’s Pass – 33/1 A winner from a couple of year’s earlier.
Double Honour – 25/1 Not a winner.

40 Runners meant a jackpot of £40. Having watched most of the Royal Wedding on telly, I was now ready for some gambling action.
There were various mutterings about Monty’s Pass being a bit lame in the pre race build up. This didn’t bode well.
4.10pm and they were off! Lots of mention of Double Honour early on… until he fell.
No mention of Amberleigh House…
Monty’s Pass mentioned a couple of times…
The favourite, Hedgehunter, won. Best placed of my pack was Amberleigh House in 10th place.
Who won the sweepstake? Why, Garry, of course…
I think there must be some sort of gambling lesson in there somewhere.

“I Have Never rowed on the River Nidd.”

I was at a loose end on Sunday. Gilli, a mate of mine, sent me a text saying that she was bored and wanted to do something. I suggested going to see Mother Shipton’s Cave in Knaresborough (go to http://www.mothershiptonscave.com/intro.php for more…).
On arrival, I discovered that it used to be part owned by the magician Paul Daniels. This amused me greatly, as I had once met the diminutive gent at a fete in Ruislip, and had sold him a cake.

We wandered through the woods,
looked in the cave,
observed things being petrified,
made a wish in the well, and
visited the museum (which resembled Mr. Daniels stature in it’s size).

This left us with time to spare, so after having sat briefly in a pub beer garden, we were up for discovering a fresh activity. I suggested hiring a boat…
At £3 for an hour (each), this proved to be an absolute bargain. It was decided (mainly by Gilli) that I row. I’d not been in a small boat like this for ages. The last time I could remember was when, as a teenager, I had been punting with my parents in Oxford. The hour flew by. Gilli called her parents and played ‘Guess what I’m doing’. Meanwhile, I navigated two laps up and down the river, forging a neat figure of eight pattern around the train viaduct and road bridge. There appeared to be a multitude of chavs mucking about on boats, but I succeeded in avoiding any collisions with them, or indeed the riverbank.
Satisfied, but aching, we eventually disembarked. My left leg and bumcheek had become numb, but otherwise we were pretty much unscathed… if a bit wet (oar splash back etc. etc.).

So, that’s the weekend’s activity. Still no egg painting. A recommended film to see is Intacto (http://www.channel4.com/film/reviews/film.jsp?id=104626). Watched it Saturday morning and found it visually stunning.
Thanks to everyone for the complimentary comments that keep getting posted. It’s all appreciated. I’m not entirely sure what blogrolling or syndicating are, though. Could you explain golfwidow (oh, and have you ever met any of the Fawlty Towers cast)?

This is me from a couple of years ago...

2005-04-08T15:33:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never worked out how to post photos before."

Ah, the joys of flickr! This is not a picture I am proud of, and
subconsciously resulted in me cutting down considerably on my alcohol
intake... still, all in the spirit of openess that I hope to embrace with
this blog.

Aaarrggghh!

2005-04-08T00:15:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never had to rewrite a post."

How annoying. Wrote it. Went to publish. Then a blank page...
Curse you! My erudite text is forever lost.

Well, I'll try to replicate it...

"I Have Never had to explain my pseudonym."

I got into a chat on the ShoutBox at www.blogexplosion.com yesterday. I was asked why I had chosen the moniker dickdnile...

Well, my christian name is Richard. For years I have been known by my mates as Ric. However, I have decided to reclaim the D word (well if people can reclaim the C word and the N word...). Richards around the world need no longer be tied to a hefty two syllable name.

As for D'Nile. It's an anagram. I could have chosen D'Lien (sounds a bit like Lion - Richard the Lion... been done before), or D'Line (the last thing I do is tow the line...). Instead, I quite like being in Denial. Face it, if you deny it's existence, it's inactivity becomes less of an issue ;-)

Very Quiet At Work

2005-04-07T10:53:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never had to train on a new phone system before."

Yes, I know this is not the most exciting 'I Have Never'. AMCAT have come in (www.amcat.com). I'm going to be in training all day with them. I have no underlings to keep me entertained.

I've decided to get the egg painting done at the weekend. I'll let people know the results next week... (Hope the eggs don't go bad - how long does it usually take?)

I can't believe I thought Chez was a first name. Doh! Here was me imagining Che Guevara... As to the question of how long you should allow for rehearsals, well it depends. These questions need to be answered first.

What production team do you have in place? Producer? Technicians? Designer?
How long a play is it? 30 minutes/1 hour/3hours?
Is it an established text, or are you devising the show from scratch?
What's the language like? Easy/difficult?
How many actors are in the play?
How experienced are your actors? Amateur/Non-Professional/Professional?
How well do your actors know each other, i.e. are you going to have to establish 'trust'?
How often are you going to be able to rehearse? Every day, or evenings & weekends?
How soon (and often) can you get into the performance space?

I could go on. The bottom line is that it varies tremendously. Too much time and you will arrive at the finished product too early, leaving the actual performances feeling stale. Too little time and the product won't be finished...

In my (limited) experience, I'd say six weeks. However, local amateur groups take six months to put on a big show, while I've known professionals to put together a piece in a couple of weeks.

Paris Match

2005-04-06T11:07:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never posted a comment on someone else's Blog"

Well, the consensus seems to be that this is the way to increase the flow through my own... So responded to Chez.

I'm now intrigued by what he is planning to put on later in the year.
It gives me a chance to test my (rusty) French aussi.
If my language skills fail, I can always turn to my friend Kat who is studying French & Spanish at Uni (even though she is currently in Barcelona until the summer).

I've never been asked for advice before on theatre.

Still not done the egg painting. I'm such a procrastinator.

Images of the Body

2005-04-05T11:07:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never been affected by the sight of a dead body on TV."

OK, this is a bit weird. I'm in no way religious. I never met him. I've seen dead bodies on TV before (granted, I've never seen one in real life). Even so, watching the news yesterday, I found myself profoundly moved.

It might be just me, but it doesn't look like the Pope anymore. With all the life gone, the vitality dissipated, it's just a mass of flesh & bone. A deep sadness has descended...

I really wasn't in the mood to paint with egg.

Got Blogmarked! Despite my bog standard blog.

2005-04-04T11:07:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never been Blogmarked before."

Ta to daftkitty. I'm going to try and make some 'egg art' this evening. Now, what can I paint that's yellow? Thinking caps on...

Oh, and Gail's right, my grammar in the last post was totally wrong. My dad has not been 60 before. It was his first time yesterday. Knowing his love of hiking, my sister suggested we go for a walk. We ended up at Mam Tor (http://www.cressbrook.co.uk/hopev/mamtor.htm). Now I'd been here many times before as a kid, but 'I Have Never' realised that this used to be an Iron Age fort.

We walked about 10 miles as the crow flies. Unfortunately, this involved a lot of ascending and descending (which I'm pretty sure crows don't have to do...). Today, I'm aching pretty extensively. Any solutions to deep seated muscle trauma?

OK, So now I have 47 boxes of eggs...

2005-04-01T00:06:00.000+01:00

47 Boxes of eggs = 282 eggs.

WHAT DO I DO WITH 282 EGGS?

Considered trying to learn juggling with them, but this would have rapidly got sticky...

Instead,

"I Have Never been to a folk club before."

Went last night to a pub I frequent called The Melborn. Saw a rather fantastic troupe called HowdenJones. Took me back to my childhood when I used to play acoustic guitar myself. Now, why did I never do anything with that? Favourite song of the night - 'Ne'er Do Well'.

This weekend it's my dad's 60th birthday. "I Have Never celebrated my dad's 60th before". Any suggestions? Good ideas for birthday presents?

In a couple of months, I will be exactly half my dad's age. This concept unnerves me. I am so behind on my life schedule...

P.S. BlogExplosion totally foxed me with their April Fool today. Doh!

A comment I can attempt.

2005-03-31T09:36:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never bought out every single carton of eggs at the grocery store."

This was posted by an orange yesterday. Someone who's on my wavelength. So, on the way home I'm going to stop at my local 7-11 style place and purchase all the eggs.

Every last one.

Ova-tastic!

Now, as I'm to start on this diet, I figure I can use the egg whites to eat and make that my main food. However, that will leave me with a whole lot of yolk...

Any ideas? In an 'I Have Never' way?

Or any suggestions what I could do with the eggs other than eat them?

P.S. I'm not going to throw them at innocent passers by. This has happened to me in the past, and I was not amused...

How about a long term goal?

2005-03-30T10:08:00.000+01:00

"I Have Never lost more than 4 stone in weight."

This one could take me a while. However, seeing as I'm over 20 stone now, it's high time I focussed on this. I watched Super Size Me last night, and although I felt it wasn't the best film I'd ever seen, it did make me think. That coupled with stuff I've been reading about sleep apnoea in obese people has set my resolve. I want to dream more, and maybe my weight is preventing this...

Any suggestions?

Week at NSDF

2005-03-29T10:17:00.000+01:00

Aargh! Couldn't get near a computer all week. Here's a brief list of I Have Nevers (1 per day)
19th - "I Have Never been reprimanded by Prunella Scales (Sybil Fawlty) before."
20th - "I Have Never spent a couple of hours in the company of Richard Wilson (Victor Meldrew)."
21st - "I Have Never had a review published in a magazine before."
22nd - "I Have Never had to justify a review to a stage manager of the show."
23rd - "I Have Never understood the use of Masks in theatre."
24th - "I Have Never met John McGrath (Artistic Director of the Contact Theatre) before."
25th - "I Have Never seen Willy Russell in the flesh before. I think he dyes his hair."
26th - "I Have Never been to the refurbished Manchester Museum."
27th - "I Have Never had an Easter Sunday where we didn't visit Grandma."
28th - "I Have Never seen Old Boy or The Corporation before..."

29th - Back to work.

"I Have Never been asked by email to conspire in a relationship rebuild."

I don't want to say too much about this. I haven't decided yet whether I want to get involved. It may show up in later posts. It may not.

Personality Test

2005-03-18T17:40:00.000Z

"I Have Never taken a full personality test."

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion		83%
Stability		60%
Orderliness		33%
Empathy		43%
Interdependence		43%
Intellectual		63%
Mystical		16%
Artistic		90%
Religious		16%
Hedonism		56%
Materialism		30%
Narcissism		36%
Adventurousness		56%
Work ethic		50%
Self absorbed		43%
Conflict seeking		50%
Need to dominate		70%

Romantic		70%
Avoidant		83%
Anti-authority		70%
Wealth		36%
Dependency		43%
Change averse		23%
Cautiousness		50%
Individuality		83%
Sexuality		10%
Peter pan complex		23%
Physical security		76%
Food indulgent		90%
Histrionic		70%
Paranoia		56%
Vanity		43%
Hypersensitivity		43%
Female cliche		30%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

126 Questions, and here's the result...

Ouch!

Response!

2005-03-17T10:53:00.000Z

"I Have Never had a comment on my Blog before."

Today I got two. This Blog explosion thing must kinda work.

Granted, one of the posts was pretty much the equivalent of Spam, but hey, beggars can't be choosers.

The other... 'Hitchhiking around Europe...' I Have Never done that, but I do have to hold down a full time job. I'm pretty booked for holidays this year already:-

Tomorrow I'm off to the National Student Drama Festival for a week. Hope it'll give me some tips as to where I Have Never didn't quite work. Might mean that posts are rather infrequent. Check out my other blog for my progress... http://ricsnsdfexperience05.blogspot.com/
In the summer I'll be making my usual pilgrimage to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Two weeks of Comedy/Theatre/Drinking etc. etc.
That only leaves a couple of weeks for Christmas.

Maybe the hitchhiking thing could be next year. Or when I retire.

Any other suggestions out there? What have you never done?

New phase...

2005-03-16T13:35:00.000Z

So the first phase of the show is over.

I'll probably revisit it in late 2005...

How do I keep this ticking in the mean time?

Had a thought last night.

I'm going to try and tackle a new I Have Never every day.

So here goes nothing...

"I Have Never issued a blog challenge before."

Tell me something you have never done in a comment. If I Have Never done it and it is
a) Legal in the UK (I don't want to become a criminal)
b) Affordable (bear in mind I'm not rich)
c) Interesting/Entertaining to me.
Then I'll give it a spin and report back.

R-)

Aftermath...

2005-03-15T13:08:00.000Z

The after show party got a bit messy. Least said, soonest mended...

- Did the get out.
- Got feedback from Iain in the way he would have given an NSDF entrant feedback.
- Had a drink at The Mill bar
- Went up to the Courtyard and had a couple more drinks. Pretended to play an invisible digeridoo.
- Went on to The Melborn. Spent a long time outside in the cold on my own. Needed some space.
- Went onto Anne's house.
- Spent much of the night chatting with Cheryl.
- Lots of people copped off with each other.
- Ended up somewhere near Otley.

Sunday was pretty much written off. Had lunch in Bradford with Amanda, Carl, Nicki, Emma & Duncan popping in. I took Cheryl back to the bus station and sent her on her way back to Cardiff.

Monday night was feedback time at the Theatre group meeting. The show elicited the following responses from 9 audience members (I wish I could coherently explain why this amuses me), 2 Cast and the 2 Directors...

1) Very good. I know what I like - like what I see. This was something that didn't exist 4 months ago. Actors/tech did a good job in the space of time. Couldn't see the doorway section, though.

2) Good bits. Liked the intro/crush. Good stories collected. Raf's stood out, as well as Chris & the flour. Weaknesses, it was bitty and had continuity issues. Felt there was no connection? Just fragments. Some movement worked, others didn't. Sharks got a tick, breast a cross. Nice music & good programme, though.

3) Agreed with Dave. Incredibly ambitious show. Could have done with a 'thread'. Use of seating rig was interesting. Some bits too long. For example, liked the salsa dancing, but it was TOO LONG. Great to see such a size cast. Well done.

4) Cast were fantastic. An older woman that Libby spoke to found it hard to relate to because of the drinking game subject matter.

5) There were moments where I couldn't see. E.g. what came out of the box? Difficult to tell at all times. Some scenes were good, but too long. Loved the sea anemone, Liked Nicki but she could have been the 'thread'. Chris's scene was the highlight. Michelle and her texting in the audience proved distracting. Overall, really nice. Was sceptical when this was first proposed, but overall well done.

2) Like football, sometimes it was hard to see what was going on. People had to stand at the back to see.

6) Started very nice but went down hill. Swimming with sharks good, but missed sea anemone. Becky's scene took a moment to see what was going on. Voices became boring. Text messages - was hoping for a point, but there wasn't one? Shh? Tell me? Can't fault performances.

7) Has the basis of a very very good show. The directors had drawn good performances, but there was too much material. Stories were strong. Too much concept, not enough theatre. Not really enough to look at. Some wonderful pieces. There was a desire to create a story narrative, but instead could have looked at a musical theme throughout. Left going what was that about? Didn't SAY anything. Needs less material & expanding that. What are the emotional connections? The kitchen sink was thrown at it. Fantastic ideas, though. Much rather see a magnificent failure than a safe success.

3) Needs work if we're to take it to NSDF, but it would be a shame to just pack it away.

1) I liked the format... Nicki was brilliant in the 'cancer dancing'.

5) At the end, the music & words were good. Didn't know where it had finished. Somehow could it all be tied in at end, instead of just a black out. Nice to have a visual cue. Possibly the shoes?

6) Pathology of memory, where did it go?

8) At the time I didn't notice these problems. Maybe I haven't got the same amount of knowledge. I was entertained. I'd not been sure what to expect. It seemed obvious that the stories were real in origin. Some bits were absolutely brilliant. One to remember was Chris. A different cast will have different stories.

2) I Will Never... might make ending. This could have been made more of.

9) Physical theatre stuff. Nicki - what was that about?

4) Drew comparisons with the Lad Lit Project. LLP worked where IHN didn't, but there were similarities.

5) Would smaller cast have worked? 4 instead of 11?

7) It worked when it was at it's most simple.

6) Chris's was a solo piece for example.

1) Didn't Nicki represent the tumour?

CAST A) Enjoyed performance less than the process. The cast were far closer knit than any of the other shows so far. For example, I didn't know Becky after Off The Page, but did in I Have Never. My fave story was Becky's, while Sidrah and Raf's you wanted to make work well.

CAST B) I Have Never done anything like this. Found it interesting. How were we going to do this with lots of people? It was very close knit.

4) Becky's worked really well.

RIC: Thank you.

4) Well done, production team.

3) Good working light on a white background.

CARL: Full marks to the cast. Not worked with a better one. If any gripes it's not the cast's fault...

---

Ste, my best mate in Glasgow, had not been able to come and see the show.
I'd been quite short in an email to him the middle of last week.
"I'll have to audition for a new best mate" was the gist.
He floored me with his explanation.

"I've just got enagaged".

He sent me the following weblink
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/4337577.stm
It must have been a quiet news day on Thursday...

I got another card from him and Liz yesterday, wishing me Good Luck with the show.

Darn Royal Mail.

Maybe this isn't the end for I Have Never after all...

2nd Performance - Saturday 12th

2005-03-13T14:16:00.000Z

After last night's show I'd gone out with a couple of people in Leeds. Cheryl had come all the way from Cardiff to see the show, because towards the end of last year I'd done the reverse journey to see a Comedy night that she'd put on. Initially she was going to bring her boyfriend, but he couldn't come, so instead she'd invited her friend Hannah along, who came from Sheffield.

We'd been to Milo opposite the Corn Exchange. We spent most of the night at The Reform (best night out in Leeds - full stop). I drank some cocktails. We talked about all sorts, mainly the fact that Cheryl had been seeing her bloke for seven weeks and he was already talking about marriage (well, he's only 19). We also covered the fact that Hannah was attracted to people 'who looked like Hobbits, with their features congregated in the lower part of their face and a wet look perm'.

I woke up with a bit of a sore head at 9.09am. Today I would have to get the cast & crew pressies...
First, the three of us had a fry up (or just toast for Hannah).
Then, we popped into Headingley. I got some jelly babies and gold spray paint.
You've heard of the Oscars and the BAFTAs, well I do the BUTGAs, which basically involves combining these two basic ingredients to produce mini (NON-Edible) statuettes.
By 12.33 we were off into town. Hannah was heading back to Sheffield as she had work to do. I purchased the following:-
11 Sparkly boxes plus crepe paper (in which to put the babies and wrap them with)
A gold pen (to write in the boxes and on the cards)
3 Thank you cards for Carl, Emma & Cat
3 Slinkys for the tech team.
2 Squeaky toys for the producers.
1 Copy of Labyrinth for Carl on DVD - Well, it's his favourite movie...
On a whim, once this was all put together, me & Cheryl went to the circus. It was a bit of escapism, that took my mind off things.

At last it was time to go over to Bradford. I picked up Dunc.
Set up a sofa in the Wardrobe at The Mill so that Cheryl could get 40 winks.
Talked to the tech about the couple of lighting changes.
Gave the cast the following notes...

Pacing - Pass The Parcel needs to be passed around faster. Also Becky's story need to move forward by people handing over the note earlier...
Dancing - This section people needed to define the moment when they turned out to the audience more.
Ending - We were to go to black at the end, and no-one was to come back on stage until the audience started clapping (it had looked really weird when the cast had come back on and no-one clapped).

I asked Carl to do the warm up, then went to the foyer. I was considerably more nervous tonight. Iain was going to give me an honest assessment of the piece. I made small talk with people, but my heart was not in it. I should probably have kept myself occupied by doing the warm up, but I'd wanted to give Carl that opportunity.

Again, I'll leave it to the audience to pass comment. The theatre was pretty full this evening.

I got Iain's feedback. I got feedback from another stalwart of the theatre - Colin. I probably didn't respond in the best way.

How would I describe my feelings?

Crestfallen. In most people's eyes, this was 'just another show'. It was not great. It was OK. This was not the next best thing, yet.

I don't deal with failure well.

1st Performance - Friday 11th

2005-03-12T22:44:00.000Z

So the day had finally arrived.

I was pretty happy at work. I did an induction session with three new starters and finished work early.

On the way over I picked up Duncan.
When we arrived at the Theatre, I had a final check over the re-recorded sound sections/lighting with Jon & John.
I had a brief 1 to 1 chat with Sidrah, as I wanted to ensure that she was happy with her story.

Before I knew it, it was warm up time. I got the cast up and in the space for 7pm.
I started by doing a pass the pulse around the circle. Squeeze someone's hand to your left, and wait for that hand squeeze to get back to your right hand.
We then briefly played Zip Zap Boing, but this proved a bit ropey, as people knew different rules. I felt that reteaching this now would just distract, so moved on to doing a full scale Hokey Cokey... for Raf's sake.

You put your (left leg/right leg/left arm/right arm/whole self) in,
Your (body part) out,
In, out, in, out, shake it all about.
You do the hokey cokey and you turn around.
That's what it's all about.
Woah... Hokey Cokey Cokey
Woah... Hokey Cokey Cokey
Woah... Hokey Cokey Cokey
Knees bend, arms stretch, Ra, Ra, Ra!

Repeat with next body part.

This had everyone warm, and bizarrely my accent reverted to that of a cockney barrow boy (my Essex roots must be showing).

I also wanted to work on projection. With this in mind, I got each cast member to run the diagonal of the space one by one. When they had reached the furthest point, they were to then project their line back to the group, who would applaud in an extreme fashion. Therefore, not only did people have to say their line loudly, but they got a positive response for it.

I made some general statement of how much I had enjoyed working with them as a cast. How good I felt the show was, and that they were all great (I'm paraphrasing considerably, but it was basically positive, and I was out of puff). I left them in the space, then headed down to the foyer.

My parents had arrived, along with my sister and her boyfriend. I chatted with them a bit, but circulated around in general, stopping to chat with Mike Stewart amongst others. Michelle was wandering around the foyer encouraging people to record what they had never done. However, she needed a bit of encouragement to break the ice with people, so I concentrated on this for a while, too. She had also been tasked with obtaining people's phone numbers so she could text people during the show. When it was time for the audience to go up, she had only collected 2 numbers, though.

Carl made the announcement. It was rather muffled by the crowd, so no-one was aware that there would be a Q & A session after the show. This was no bad thing as I had not let the techies know...

I'll leave the response to the show for people to make their own comments...

My impression of people's response to the show was mixed.

For those who were not regular theatre goers, they really enjoyed it. Maybe this was the shock of the new.

For those who were regular attendees, the response proved muted. Certainly, there were moments which really worked, but as a whole it failed to gel.

I feel that I'd misplaced Chris's scene. This was clearly the strongest point (it even generated it's own round of applause tonight), but was so early in the show that it left the rest with a lot to live up to.

Too late to change this now.

2nd Dress Rehearsal (With Audience) - Thursday 10th

2005-03-11T23:07:00.000Z

Tonight was the first time with an audience. We’d persuaded 11 volunteers (mainly my work colleagues) to come along and see the show and pass their comments.

There was lots of last minute running around, I left warm up duties to Emma on the whole. I spent quite a while working with the sound and lighting guys just to check that they were all happy.

We started the run at about 7.47pm.

There were a couple of blips, but nothing major. We have a show! I couldn’t help laughing a couple of times, and came very close to tears again around Chris’s scene and the Ending. How can a show that we have been solidly working on for six weeks STILL have the capacity to emotionally effect me?

The following notes emerged from my discussion with the audience (focus group?) afterwards…

- In some of the scenes it will be better for the game to be played as a full circle rather than a semi circle.
- They need to die slower in the torture scene.
- More projection of voice throughout (I noted this for tomorrow’s warm up).
- They loved Duncan doing the heart beat
- Perversely, despite a couple of stories being inaudible, the audience liked that, and thought it was intentional. However, for Raf & Sidrah we took the time to re-record their pieces after the run.
- The mouthing of the chorus during the dance needs to be more defined, and the progression through the three couples needs to gradually build up.
- Though the salt worked fine from a distance as flour, up close it was obviously salt. Washing powder may be the only option…
- Instead of Amanda just saying ‘I Have Never Danced’, suggestions were ‘Dirty Danced’ or ‘Slow Danced’.
- The orange game at the start was too long. Now we’ll go around the oranges 3 times, balloons 5 times and then into pass the parcel, with 3 unwraps.

However, it was clear to me that the audience had been wowed. Charlotte, my boss, said to me that we had completely changed her mind about 'Abstract Physical Theatre' (her description). She would NEVER have expected to enjoy it, but she did. High praise indeed. My boss doesn't change her mind easily...

The cast were clearly excited, too. Duncan sent me an email telling me that he had not got to sleep until 4.30am. I answered the twelve questions he sent me by email as follows…

Don't worry, they'll be off/on vibrate only. That idea is going to be slightly different, or we may not use it at all. I'm going to chat to Michelle tonight. Also, the 'carbirth' is to be scrapped. We've not tried it out and it's kinda superfluous now.

Agree. You guys need to get around behind her. Feel free to chat with her tonight.

The preset is all you guys. Just as when you actually play the game in the show, the important thing is that you PLAY. It would be nice to establish a recurring motif, but I'm not averse to variations like pint pulling...

I think... full circle for pass the parcel, until it gets to Lucy and the parcel reveal, when we need to see the Ferris Wheel.

Full circle for Ya Ya Ya
Full Circle for Yak Yak Yak
Half Circle for Blah Blah Blah
Half Circle for Yadda Yadda Yadda
Half Circle for Rugger Rugger Rugger
Most of circle for ... ... ... (Leaving the space for the Nicki light)
Full Circle for Da Da Da

We've played it both ways. Your 'bed' needs to be fairly central so that there is room to go behind, but also room at front to do the sky diving.

It's really nice that there is a natural pause there. Everyone who has seen that scene needs a couple of moments to recover, it's a bit of a tear jerker. I'd like him to come back on with Sidrah, though, rather than gesturing everyone into the space.

If it can be organised for someone to empty it into a bucket off stage while your scene is occuring, then I'm fine for that to happen. Part of me quite likes the fact that Becky will have to be more careful with it, though. It is a baby in that scene after all, and she will be more conscious of how she holds it tonight...

Yes. I think that will make it easier for that seating rig to see the main point of action.

That's down to Raf. He needs to do the first Da Da Da as it's after his scene. I don't think he'll forget to leave tonight. However, if you do end up going off as a pair, then Chris and Sidrah should mirror that.

I'd also still like the rows of shoes to be left... even if they are smelly. We'll practice it tonight before the show. Who can get their shoes off fastest? Michelle will also be plugging in the Dictaphone at the end.

I don't think Sidrah needs reminding about that note anymore. She is not likely to forget it again after Tuesday's performance. Embarrassment usually etches a moment in people's mind. However, if it makes you feel safe, I'd suggest Chris have a copy, so the note starts and ends with him.

That sounds fine to me. So long as you are bunched up out of audience eye line for Amanda & Chris's movement motif.

Roll on first night!

1st Dress Rehearsal - Wednesday 9th

2005-03-10T21:18:00.000Z

Aaarghh! For some reason I can’t get into my blog at work. Tried before 9am this morning, but there seems to be server problems. Hence, I’ll be brief.

Last night was a tale of two runs.

After spending an hour or so going through blocking with the cast, we did a proper tech run straight through. It was a nightmare. Worst moments were as follows:-

Realising that the Dictaphone material was really being affected by the amplification and tweaking which it had undergone. It now proved very difficult to hear what was actually being said.
PANIC!
Someone mentioning that flour might be flammable, and so Chris wouldn’t be able to use it in his scene.
PANIC!
Cast lacking focus, uncertain about positioning, transitions and timing.
PANIC!

However, it was the first time we had cobbled it all together. It was never going to be perfect. Better to know now and put in contingency plans.

Asked Keith to work with the Dictaphone material again. Give option of no music in the background, as well as ultra low in the mix, to reduce distraction from dialogue. Present Dictaphone material raw on a tape deck without amplification?
What white powder could be used instead? Discovered today that Washing Powder is probably the best bet.
Talked to the cast. They had got a wake up call by running it. Calmed there nerves, but asked them to focus on solving the problems they had experienced in the first run.

Fifteen minute break, then we had another go. Gluttons for punishment indeed.

It was better. Far better. Granted, there was still room for improvement. Had a pow wow with the Production team, then sent out the following notes on email to the cast today (including Carl’s points):-
Quote for the day...

"Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication."

Leonardo da Vinci (1452-1519)
Italian painter, sculptor and inventor

Specific scene notes as promised from yesterday. Deep breath...

Birthday Party:
1) Shhhhh's. If you are outed from behind the cloth react.
2) Lucy do your first 'slag off' in the light outside the main stage area. Less hand moves/arms crossed.
3) Duncan react rather than predict Lucy slagging you.
4) There should be a Moment between Duncan and Chris when Chris is `outed`
5) After the "surprise", *dance*. Need to be aware of diagonal positioning between the two seating rigs here.
6) Orange pass/balloon pass. Cycle round each of these parts 5 times instead of 3 times. When you get the orange/balloon, make sure you are at the end of the seating rig. If you aren't, run to it before passing to the next person.
7) Fewer generation-game noises when opening the present, try talking to the person next to you. The words themselves don't need to be heard by the audience.
8) Don't pass parcel until music starts up again. If there is a delay, react with annoyance at the tech box. 'Come on!' etc.etc.
9) Shake parcel much more animatedly at cowbell moment of 'Daft Punk'. Big gestures!
10) Lucy as Ya Ya Ya starts, pack the present away back in the box so it is easy to take off stage for Becky's scene.

Confronted a Crush:
1) More attention to Stage-Right seating rig, where Carl was sat.
2) Run along in the rectangles of light during PE lesson. See it as a relay.
3) Amanda when reading your section stay in corner with Emily/Becky.
4) Duncan stand with Chris while you're doing the heartbeats. Don't be lured by the girls...
5) Anne turn out from the scene once the note has been passed to Lucy.
6) Lucy when reading slouch on set at stage back. Otherwise you block Sidrah.
7) Emily, you can be more screechy with Jodie-lines. I lost Beavis & Butthead laughing D & C.
8) Sidrah be further forward, at front of red spot. Move into the spotlight after Emily picks up the note. Fiasco the audience.Really liked the moment when Becky took Sidrah's hand...

Saying it with Flours:
1) Chris should expect people when he returns with the flour but they've sneaked off!
2) Keep flour Stage-Right rather than Down-Stage-Centre so you don't pass the other cast.
3) Chris rather than having your back to the audience, remember to pour facing the audience. We'll be doing it on material tonight...
4) Chris, don't beckon cast back at end of scene. Take flour off in material, link arms with Sidrah as she is your original partner in this scene, and lead the rest of the cast back into the space.
5) Blah blah blah went on too long. Don't over indulge here. Really liked the mini argument between C & S.

Dance:
1) Amanda & Lucy need to be coupley during the blah blah blah.
2) For the dance, blokes grab your first partner and assume your position on stage, two in red light, two in front of audience. When you swap partners, girls cycle clockwise to your next partner...
3) Chris & Becky if you are in front of audience, dance side on to them and address the chorus words to nearest audience block...
4) Think when the chorus kicks in. Be prepared. Definite head movement to the side. Girl first out to the audience, then boy out to the audience, then looking at each other when girl says 'Tell me, tell me, tell me the lies'.
5) Chris don't get too close in your second dance.
6) Final pairing needs to be closer, two of the couples weren't believable.
7) *Don't* smile, you are passionately, seriously obsessed by the figure you're dancing with. Keep eye-contact at all times in the last pairing.
8) Liked the scrap over one partner. Work it in at final swap.
9) Lucy & Sidrah in the Yadda Yadda Yadda, you leave stage first instead of last.

Flying/Swimming:
1) Duncan, shorten the I Have Never statement to just "I have never flown unaided", drop the "or swam with sharks".
2) During flying, everyone move in front of Duncan, not behind him.
3) Transition to swimming. Duncan take a 'beat' after coming off the block, then parade in front of both seating rigs fiascoing them. What do we do with the odd block out?
4) Anemone can be less wiggly please, think more shimmering tentacles than hand-exercises.
5) Shoal of fish - don't move the first block point out until all the shoal is together. Also, need to move the other block point ways out, too so that set is symmetrical.
6) If you're not in the ideal position when Duncan kills you, just die where you are, you can reposition yourself when you wake.
7) As fish, try and reduce the shuffle noise, it blocks out the dialogue.
8) Really liked that when you get to three fish left the shoal breaking up.

Assault:
1) This scene will be shorter, due to the reworking that has been done over the last couple of days. The soundtrack for it will be about 3 minutes long instead of 6 minutes.
2) Kids spread out a bit so you aren't blocking one of the seating rigs view of the assault.
3) Becky & Chris you need to have the assault occur in the red circle light.
4) Everyone follow Becky for the turn-and-hit.
We will practise this tonight between runs. We are running the movement backwards (as we have been doing) and then forwards to end in the position you start in.

Rugby/Breast:
1) Think about the transition from the last scene. All run together back into the circle?
2) You need to be as loud, obnoxious and boisterous as you can be in the Rugger Rugger Rugger section. These are characters that the audience should despise/be afraid of. Violence lurks just beneath the surface at all times...
3) Anne think about when you gesture to the group.
4) Amanda & Chris you need to be in the circle light for your movement motif.
5) The queue can spread out all the way along the one seating rig.
6) The thigh-slap football chant - someone needs to lead this - Duncan take control of this, imagine it's like hooly hooly birds, everyone needs to keep time.
7) Amanda would you really hug Swiss strangers you'd only just met?
8) Duncan & Raf, set move with Nikki needs to be right up to the breast to let her climb straight into it (so she doesn't have to cover bare stage), then move it back Up-Stage-Centre as far as it will go.
9) Anne you don't need to do any movement work in this scene. Focus on telling the dialogue while keeping as still as possible.
10) Amanda & Lucy we'll work on the light in which you do your motif work. It needs to be more centre front stage...

Prison:
1) Anne, don't beckon the prisoners to come back, just look at them.
2) Remember torture line order - Sidrah needs to be near front, Raf near the end.
3) Shout 'I Have Never...'. Music will be really loud. You need to try and compete with it here.
4) Very good, spot on timing on dying guys. Hit the end of the track spot on.
5) Nicki, don't help the dead people get up, just hug them and they will recover on their own. Think of it as a reverse-shark; where Duncan killed and carried on with no interest in his victims, you're reviving the people and you care. Spend a couple of seconds after the hug, get eye contact, check they're okay, then move on.
6) The writing/tableau scene is the other one that will be edited this evening. Instead of running for 5.5 minutes, it will run for 3.5 minutes or so. We will practice this tonight between runs.
7) Think about the tableau transitions. Aim to all meet your next point simultaneously. Don't correct your position once you've hit it.
8) Raf & Sidrah We'll work out where you get the paper/envelopes from. It may well be inside the set where Nicki came from.
9) Sidrah because of lighting, can you present the not to someone in the front row? Mirror Raf's timing to the audience.

Detox Camp/Werewolves/Sandals:
1) Did someone Ommm during the detox camp, or did I imagine it? I liked a low, barely audible background tone, we'll work on it to see if we can achieve some sort of harmony.
2) Move the dip back to being on the semicircle of set (i.e. where we originally practised it). During this scene you are still zen (legs crossed, omm etc.) but the dip is tempting you.
3) Imagine the moon is Down-Stage-Centre, i.e. above the lift. This will give you more distance to travel for your change to a werewolf. When you drop to your knees you can switch your attention to the seating rigs rather than the moon. Can we have more pain in the werewolf transformation?
4) The "Your welcome" line on the tape you were using as the cue to howl will be there tonight.
5) I love the way the stand-sit-lean-lie is messy and childish, don't try to make it slick.
6) The end with the sandals is going to change. Emily, Anne & Raf - See me when I get there tonight and I'll explain it in person.

Curtain call:
1) I agree with Carl, now. The holding hands to lead off looks cheesy, my bad. Let's not do that.
2) Cast take cues for bows and tech acknowledgement off Nicki...

Well, that's about an hour and a half of writing. Hope it all makes sense. Any queries - collar me this evening.

R-)

Tech Run - Tuesday 8th

2005-03-09T22:08:00.000Z

Today, I was much more chipper. A good night's sleep had done me a power of good.

I'd gone into work and Matt presented me with a CD of 7 sections of music as promised. One reminded me of Bright Eyes, another was almost Muzak, a third reminiscent of Holy Bible era Manics. I was really excited by the fact that I'd commisioned some musical work - 14 minutes to be exact. These sections would now be played in while the cast were doing the 'I Have Never Blah Blah Bah' skits. These had all been named as follows (in my head):-

I Have Never Ya Ya Ya (Sober Tea Party - Tea Cups)
I Have Never Yak Yak Yak (Teenager's Spin The Bottle - Shots)
I Have Never Blah Blah Blah (Young Couple's Swinger Party - Wine Glasses)
I Have Never Yadda Yadda Yadda (Couples about to 'cop off' - Pints)
I Have Never Rugger Rugger Rugger (Rugby team on the lash - Yard Of Ale)
I Have Never ....... ....... ....... (Torture Camp Interns - Poison)
I Have Never Da Da Da (Detox Camp - Urine)

Carl gave me a lift over.

'I'm back,' I told him.

We picked up Duncan and arrived in Bradford for 6.30pm. Carl and Duncan headed off to the Chesham Building to work on various scenes, while I returned to the space to complete the plot from yesterday.

We started the plot at about 7.30pm. In the mean time I grabbed myself some food, and helped to generally tidy up the space. I noted down the various scenes for John on a piece of paper.

It took us about an hour to go through all the scenes. I decided to centre all the games of I Have Never around the circle in the middle of the stage, alternating/merging the red, white and blue dependent on the mood. The other sections (rectangles at audiences feet, 'shoes' light, floor lights) were equally well utilised. One unexpected treat was that the way the entry had been lit meant that I could relocate part of the starting scene in the 'entrance section' of the space.

I then spent a brief amount of time with Keith on the soundscape he'd produced. There needed to be a couple of tweaks due to the new sections Matt had composed and the replacement of the track for Chris's scene. On the whole it was OK, though.

We got the cast back in the space at around about 9pm. I explained that we were going to do a 'cue to cue' for the techs and to bear with us. We wouldn't be running the whole show. They got a quick safety talk from (Keith/John? I can't remember which, I was distracted). I then showed them the route the audience would take into the space, and how they would be temporarily blinded by the light on the way in. They got into their preset positions, and I retreated to sit with John.

The lights added a whole new level to the piece. We didn't play the sound in, apart from a couple of essential moments where we wanted to assess levels. Despite my statement that I was going to leave directing the cast to Carl/Emma for the duration, I did break this code a couple of times. Sorry, folks.

It went pretty smoothly. The cast liked the lights (there was an audible 'ooo' when the first game of I Have Never light kicked in). There was a buzz back in the air that had been missing yesterday. We need to look at how we can use the set/move it around the space, but that's something to think about tonight.

It must have been about 10.30/11 when I dismissed the cast, thanking them profusely for their patience. I coralled a few of them into giving the set another coat of paint (namely Lucy and Duncan who were due to get a lift from Carl anyway). This meant what could have taken an hour took half the time.

In the midst of this Emma showed me the programme which she had compiled. The front was completely covered by 'I Have Never's which the cast had donated. As this was totally new to me, I got really excited. Inside, my notes were as follows...

NINE selected I Have Nevers I have tackled during this show...

1) I Have Never used a Psychological Study Paper, or a Memory Trick as a basis for an Audition.
2) I Have Never written a blog before. Don't know what a blog is? Want to find out? Don't go to http://ihaveneverplayuk.blogspot.com/
3) I Have Never taken a cast to rehearse on Ilkley Moor or in Yorkshire Sculpture Park. In the middle of winter...
4) I Have Never appreciated that there are only five story structures to which all abide. I'm gutted that I found out.
5) I Have Never received a Valentines Card and not known who it was from. Well... not known for 24 hours.
6) I Have Never asked a group of techies to build a 90cm high, 90cm radius 'Trivial Pursuit Pie'. I don't think this is likely to happen again.
7) I Have Never had my car broken into or had anything stolen from me. 3 CD players! I won't be leaving stuff in my car overnight anymore.
8) I Have Never...
(been lost for words so regularly in a six week period)
9) I Have Never worked with such a big, commited, dedicated and enthusiastic cast and production team.

I Will Never be able to thank them enough...

In the car later, Carl told me he thought this was a bit camp (especially the '3 CD players' bit). However, he accepted that they were my notes, so it was up to me. He also counselled against the use of the small light to represent the lump in the breast, and the concept that I might be representing the father in the audience at the end of the show. I listened.

I found it very hard to get to sleep.

I was excited again.

The Plot - Monday 7th

2005-03-08T15:24:00.000Z

Production week. Posts for this period are likely to be considerably shorter, considering that every night I'm to be in the theatre...

I got to the Mill at 5.40 ish. I'd had a rubbish day. Late into work because I needed to sort out my car window getting fixed. Early finish from work to actually go and get it finished. An hour and a half waiting for the window to be replaced.

The Theatre Group Exec meeting was subdued. The meeting itself was negligible as the cast were away working with Carl and Emma. Emma had had to fight for our rehearsal room back from the Hustings for the Uni Elections.

I chaired the meeting. It lasted about half an hour despite the handful of people. Libby kindly took notes.

I had booked out this evening for the plot of the lights with Johnboy. I got Cat to collect the various colours the guys were going to be wearing (have I mentioned costume? I'm not sure. Just in case, the plan is to have the whole cast predominately in black, with one item of clothing a specific colour, eg red, orange, yellow etc.). Also, Emma and Cat did producer duty of heavying people for audience numbers. We're a bit thin on the ground at the moment.

I ate my tea while waiting for John to be ready. We assessed and realised that the initial seating plan was not feasible, because the space wasn't wide enough to accomodate the seating rigs at an angle. This meant that we ended up with the seating rig in a Christie In Love configuration (ie the two rigs at 90 degrees to each other, leaving a much smaller performance space).

I popped in to see the cast while the rig got moved. Everything was moving along, so I returned to the space.

John then set up 3 lights from above which were to focus down onto the Trivial Pursuit Pie set, one white, one red and one blue. These alternated/mixed looked really good. We set up a small spot for the shoes at the end, which just fell inside the larger circle of light. I imagined other places this could be used...
As the spot where Raf drops the note in Becky's story.
As a representation of the lump in Anne's breast.

It was now almost 10pm. John informed me that he would work on completing set, and the various other lights required, namely
A general cover.
A dark blue cover for night scenes.
4 floor lights, 2 Purple, 2 Green.
2 rectangular areas in front of the two seating rigs.
A shaft of light out towards the entrance for the audience. (Walking into the light etc. etc.)

I thought he'd have his work cut out.

Went back up to see the cast. Everyone looked exhausted. I was in no fit state to provide an energy boost.

I was asked to help out overnight with set building/light rigging. I felt bad, but said no. After the last two days' activities I needed to recharge my batteries...

I was in bed by 11.07pm. The first time I've gone to sleep before midnight in ages.

Fifth Weekend - Saturday 5th & Sunday 6th

2005-03-07T13:08:00.000Z

I'm going to have to apologise, but this weekend's activities are bit of a blur.

My car got broken into on Saturday night.

More on that later.

In the run up to Saturday, I'd offered an olive branch to the production team as follows...

Hello folks,
Didn't sleep much last night.
Do you want to each send me an alternative synopsis of Sidrah's scene?
How would you approach it differently?
What would you get the cast to do?
Where does it sit in the overall story?
Why are we telling this story?
Who portrays who?
When is the climax of this particular piece?
No guarantees, but I'm willing to listen... Got pinned in a corner last night at an unexpected moment. I know that I don't react well in that sort of situation. I dig my heels in.
Sorry.
R-(

From the responses I received, I was confident that we were all back on side. Any trouble had been averted for now. This involved a radical rethink of Sidrah's scene.

We had most of the cast on the 5th. Only Amanda, Anne, Raf & Sidrah were absent. I started by using the dance scene as a warm up, then we focussed on Duncan's scene.
Initially, I sent Michelle and Nicki out to do some flyering. I also gave them the dictaphone, to see if they could get any passers by to tell what they had never done.
The rest of us focussed on the flying section. I took Duncan out and worked on the flying/swimming transition. I painted it as being similar to the story of Icarus flying up too close to the sun, then falling.
While I was doing this, Carl worked with Lucy, Becky, Chris & Emily. They looked specifically at the flying element and formed the following images-
- A flock of seagulls
- A hot air balloon
- A fighter plane
- Sky divers (making shapes, then pulling the ripcord to release the parachute).
We put the two together, and played the dictaphone element over the top. It worked.
M & N returned. They'd got an irishman to say 'I have never stroked a real life dinosaur' in a very high pitched voice.

Next, Emma worked with Chris and Becky (Becky was now to replace Anne in Sidrah's scene). She'd dropped me a long email about 'Feel & Be', so spent time getting the assault to look believable. I continued with Duncan, while Carl now worked with L, E, M & N on the swimming. The images produced were-
- Emily as a crab
- Michelle & Nicki as an anemone
- Lucy as a deep sea diver (which I misinterpreted as a plaice).
Duncan joined them, while I observed Emma working with B & C. He ended up being a shark, covering his head with a piece of cloth. Everyone else was a shoal of fish. He had to try and catch them, but they would divide around him. If he caught one, they became a stone... eventually he caught all but one of the fish and then returned to his sleeping position as per the start of the scene.

We broke for lunch.

After lunch, we looked back over Sidrah's scene. Now, instead of just showing the cinema and the scene forwards, we took it from the end of that day, when everyone had got to bed. Then we rewound the situation to the point of attack. This was a toughie. Imagine the episode of Red Dwarf where time travels backward. That was the idea we wanted to achieve. Two story lines run concurrently.

Sidrah's story.
Sidrah in bed. Tossing & turning - bad dreams.
Gets up. Leaves house with sister. Leaves mum (Emily) at home.
In car. Driving, then back in cinema car park Sidrah in tears, comforted by sister.
Out of car, waiting for Sidrah's sister's friend to be picked up by her dad.

Chav mum's story.
Chav mum exhausted but still awake - proceeds to put children to bed, backwards.
Leave house and go to get back on the bus.
On bus kids mucking about.
At bus stop waiting for bus to come.

It took the rest of the afternoon, and still needed work.

That evening, we actually went to a surprise birthday party. Johnboy, our techie was turning 21. About 28 of the theatre group, plus general hangers on went for a curry.
I made the mistake of eating a very hot chilli pepper.
I rolled home at 1am.

I woke up with a bad stomach ache, which I put down to the pepper. I lay in bed awake for ages, tossing and turning. Eventually, up and at 'em, I got out to the car.

I have never had my car broken into before.

I was instantly confused. Looking through the back window, I could see that the back seat was pushed forward. Bizarrely, my first thought was not that the car had been broken into, but that I must have braked so hard when I got home last night that it had become unlodged. Ridiculous, I know.

I strolled around to the passenger side of the car, to discover that there was glass everywhere. The front seat passenger window was gone. The back passenger side window was rolled down most of the way.

I felt sick, and this time not just because of the pepper.

What had been taken?
When had this happened?
Why today of all days, when I needed to be focussed on the show coming together?
Who could have done this?
How?
Where should I call first?

I can't remember the order for certain. I think I rang.
1) The police - 999 to report it. I was told they could send someone out before 12noon.
2) Carl - No answer initially. Still in bed after only a couple of hours sleep.
3) Emma - Filled her in on the situation. Explained that I would have to wait for the police. Could she run the rehearsal this am? Ran through the running order briefly.
Lucy turned up expecting a lift. Fortunately whoever it was had not taken the CDs, so I gave them to her, and she went to catch the train to Bradford.

Then, I just had to sit and wait.

There is nothing more frustrating. I was losing half of the most important rehearsal day, by fate, chance.

I waited.
I got bored.
I decided to watch The Marx Bros film 'Animal Crackers'. An odd choice, I know, but I needed cheering up.
The crime scene investigators arrived around 11am. By now I had a crime number.

They looked over the car. The hypothesis was that it had been a kid. They'd seen the wires to my portable CD player leading to the glove compartment. Broken the front window, climbed in. Found not only my working CD player, but also the old broken one, too. Decided to see if there was anything else, so got into the boot and located the CD player that I usually take to use in rehearsals. Wound down the back window and pulled themselves out.

3 CD players taken. (Later I discovered that Duncan's bag had also been taken out of the boot, presumably to put the CD players in)

Only 1 CD was missing. I'd left it in the player. It was the Eureka Street soundtrack.

I loved that CD. I don't know if it's still available.

They got a few small finger prints, and a palm print. They pointed out where the car had been brushed against by someone wearing jeans. A neighbour's dad came over and said that his van had also been broken into and a mobile phone stolen.

How was I going to do a rehearsal? After the initial impact I had pretty much recovered my senses (Thanks Groucho). I put a black bin bag over the broken window, and Carl picked me up at noon to take me over to Bradford.

We arrived at 12.45ish. I'd asked Emma to give the guys an early lunch break at 12, thus minimising the amount of time that I'd missed with them to 2 hours. Everyone looked, nervous, cautious. I was then to discover the second blow of the day.

Anne had injured her ankle. She wasn't going to be coming to the rehearsal today, and would probably not be recovered until near the end of the week. This meant that her part in the show would be limited...

The cast had been going through the order that I had gabbled to Emma on the phone first thing, mainly concentrating on the dance. The CD was out of it's case. The case was back at the rehearsal space. The CD was on the pub table.

Now I know this is minor. I inverted my feeling about it. It made me realise that my emotions were pretty close to the surface, though. I very nearly lost it. It would not have helped the situation.

I thought I'd better warn the cast of this fact, so I did. I got them in a circle. Explained what had happened. Apologised for my delay in arrival. Warned them that I may get shouty, and that, if this happened it was not them who I was shouting at, but the toerag who had broken into my car. Everyone accepted this. Ironically, looking back, this was the silver lining to the almighty cloud that had engulfed me. People applied themselves all afternoon. At no point did people muck about unnecessarily - we just got on with it.

I asked them to line up in a line that their stories fell. There was a bit of confusion, but not too much. I then got them to briefly recount what happened in each scene. The aim was to firm up the overall picture.

We then ran it scene by scene. It took us the rest of the afternoon. We didn't quite finish - Emily's scene had to wait for another day. The main three points I remember...

1) The start of the show is funny, entertaining and I'm already proud of (Carl laughed at a scene he'd not seen before, before having to slope off to rehears Salad Days).
2) The second half of the show still needs work from Sidrah's story onwards...
3) Chris's story, which we'd not yet seen as a group (myself included) very nearly made me cry.

Perversely, I saw this as a good sign.

Mike Stewart and Lost Dog came to have a nosey. They came at the wrong time. I expect their impression of our show was not great. Ho Hum.

Once again, I returned to the bar. Chatted sporadically to people. Waited for Carl to finish his rehearsal. Briefed him on what needed working on the next day. Got driven to Leeds. Went and saw Leeds Uni Music Society/Choir do a charity performance of Scheherezade and Carmina Burana. Found this deeply calming...

5th Rehearsal Proper 2/3/05

2005-03-03T13:44:00.000Z

This evening was a toughie. I left it the most exhausted I'd been on the show so far.

It started fine. I knew who was due to come, I'd been able to direct everyone to the right rehearsal room beforehand so we didn't have to traipse down to the Mill first. Back in the Small Hall, this time the space was empty of notice boards, so there was a vast area to play with. We even had security open up on time! What could possibly go wrong?

I'd given Duncan and Carl a lift. Emily was waiting for us outside the hall. Nicki and Chris arrived shortly after. I decided that while we were expecting others to arrive, we'd start a game - a derivation of 'Keeper of the Keys' that Iain plays a lot.

Chris sat cross legged in the centre of the room. I placed my key chain in front of him. The other four took up a position in each corner of the space (Anne joined us shortly after, and just started from the middle of a wall). Chris closed his eyes. I pointed at someone, and they had to approach Chris and try to grab the keys. If he pointed at them, they had to return to the starting point, until they were next gestured to approach by me.

This kept people occupied for quite a while. Emily, after about 15-20 minutes grasped the keys. She took Chris' position. People started to work as a team, approaching simultaneously and coordinating their footsteps so that if one got pointed at, the other was much closer than they would otherwise have been able to get. Chris hatched a plan of making a loud noise, and then moving away from it quickly. No-one chose to run. Everyone moved very slowly.

Emma arrived. Cat arrived. Raf & Sidrah showed. We went to work on the 'dance' scene, even though Amanda (who's section it was) had yet to arrive. I played the song that we were looking to use (The Dears) in, and people paired up. Carl and Emma got involved. Cat was responsible for the tape recorder.

It was remarkable how people had come on in leaps and bounds since the dance workshop with Jo. This was a different level of performance compared to the first faltering footsteps that had been taken a couple of weeks ago. Granted, it was based in Salsa rather than ballroom, but hey, them's the breaks. I was fascinated by the different levels of chemistry between different pairs (we swapped and changed extensively). Equally, we were still nowhere near polished. I quite liked the fact, that there were occasional errors, though. It served the metaphor of 'the first flush of love' well - people still finding their footing, occasionally making errors, but being able to laugh about it. 5 times around the song, and we'd added various things:-

a) People would regularly change partners, and it fitted to points when the song lulled.
b) At the start, during the chorus there is an interchange of male and female lyrics, along the lines of...
FEMALE VOICE:- 'I can't believe the lies you say'
MALE VOICE:- 'I can't believe the lies you say'
BOTH:- 'Tell me, Tell me, Tell me the lies.'
I got the dancers to voice these lyrics. Where for the most of the song I wanted them to maintain eye contact, at this point, I wanted them to break that and look towards the audience alternately before looking at each other for the final line.
c) Towards the end of the song there is a long instrumental section. With their final partner, words were dispensed with. The dancers were to get closer, more intimate, as if they had discovered 'the one'...

I was chuffed. This section was truly progressing.

I decided I'd play the next section after the dance to them on tape. This was Duncan's monologues, first on flying and then swimming with sharks. He had his head in his hands for a while, rather embarrassed, but he laughed it off. The others found it hilarious. Carl mentioned that it sounded a bit like Eddie Izzard - the sort of stream-of-conciousness comedy he is expert at.

Then, it was onto Sidrah's scene. Once again we listened to the story. The cinema assault. I stopped the tape, and asked what characters we needed to represent. We came up with the following list, and who would play them:-

Sidrah - Chris
Sidrah's sister - Sidrah
Sidrah's friend - Emily
Chav mum - Anne
Chav mum's kids - Nicki + Me, Carl or Emma(dependent on the run)
Couple on back row of cinema - Raf & Amanda
Usher - Duncan

So far so good. Chris could pull of the innocence that was depicted in the story, and Sidrah's eyes lit up when I asked her to play her sister. This intrigued me. Was it because part of her wished she'd responded as her sister had in the real event? Still, I was pleased because she was happy with the representation of the story. As a tale of racist abuse, I felt it essential that it came from her, and no/minimal external force was brought to bear on it.

This was where I hit a glitch. My production team (Carl, Emma & Cat) disagreed. We ran the scene a couple of times. I felt we were coming up with some really interesting touches. The couple getting annoyed and complaining to the usher - this being initiated by the female partner, but the male partner having to go and make the complaint. Carl, Emma and Nicki appearing to have great fun pretending to be raucous kids (I enjoyed it, too - nothing like a bit of regression).

Carl & Emma disappeared outside. I continued with the cast. It became clear C&E wanted to chat. We agreed to let the cast take a break next door in the Biko bar. I was tense and worried. Surely the cast would perceive this disagreement. One thing about a cast's confidence is that it is fragile at the best of time. Here they were being sent randomly for a break at short notice. It was clear that the discussion wasn't going to wait, but I had to minimise it's effect on the cast by minimising it's time length.

I expect that this came across as me being bloody minded. I took the position that we had run the scene a couple of times and an abrupt change at this point would throw the cast off balance. I wished that the discussion had been saved until after the rehearsal.

My understanding from Carl was that he wasn't 'feeling' the scene. It didn't work for him. Representing the cinema was spoon feeding the audience something that they were already being told over the tape.

My understanding of Emma and Cat's argument was that the cast were not taking the dilemma that Sidrah found herself in seriously enough. This was a 'racial attack', and as such should be dealt with solemnly.

If my interpretation of these positions was wrong, then I expect this post may have some heated comments attached to it in due course...

I don't think I put my point across very well. I tend not to when I'm pinned into a corner without warning. I dig my heels in. I said we'd continue with it as it is for now. I considered sending out an email the next day, to get all three to pitch me an alternate synopsis to the scene. (I've not yet done this, but still might)

We brought the cast back in. I could see they were confused. What had just happened? I felt we were not going to make any more jumps tonight. To push on would actually prove destructive rather than constructive. We ran the scene one more time. I tried to consider how we could reduce the 'spoonfed' effect. I talked to Anne and Chris about the serious position in which they found themselves.

We played the actual moment of assault back and forth a few times. This bizarre image of a mother trying to hold her baby while simultaneously punching someone. I got them to freeze mid punch, as the story dictates that they must.

For me, here was a moment where we would wrong foot the audience. The story is told by Sidrah in a jokey way (with a sing song vocal delivery). The sight is odd, some might say laughable. Yet, it is someone being attacked. It is a violent moment.

The audience will have to choose whether to laugh, or be silent.
The audience will have to choose whether this does or doesn't work.
It's a big risk.
It scares me.
I believe theatre should push that envelope.

We wrapped for the night. I was still not done.

I checked with Sidrah to see how she felt. She'd liked the chance to be her sister.

I talked with Chris about his scene, a scene we had not yet done. He'd produced 9 lines of text as asked, each line with an extra word (1,2,3, you get the gist). He even had a picture of the girl who he'd written 'I Love You' in flour for. I hope that, in my exhaustion, I wasn't too dismissive.

I talked with Raf. He had called me during work that day, to tell me that his story had had an extra twist of the knife just that day. The girl he'd broken up with was now, only two months later, engaged to be married. I was aware that I would have to treat his story with even more reverence. We'd chatted about how he'd found improvising in French difficult last time we ran the scene. During the day, I'd come up with a new idea. We would still have the three tableaus we'd developed. However, rather than him talking over it in French, his tape recording would play in. He'd sit on stage and write a letter in French, imagining it was to his ex. He'd fold the letter, put it in an envelope, address the envelope (Tu?) and present it to someone in the audience. I think he felt more comfortable with this.

We left the space. Popped into the Biko. I checked a couple of production issues with Emma (posters/flyers etc.). I drove home, dropped off Duncan, then got into a long discussion with Carl.

We sat outside his house, in the car, for about an hour (that's what it felt like). The talk ranged over many things:-

The nature of assault.
Is one kind of assault (racially motivated) any worse than another (fat motivated/glasses motivated/outsider motivated)?
If there is a 'league table' (which I disagreed with) then how can define it?
How can anyone who hasn't experienced assault comment on it?
How could he claim that my weight gain was my fault? (OK, part of me agrees with him, here)
He wanted to know 'What concerns did I have about the show'?
He felt I evaded the question. I told him my greatest concern so far had been this evening's uprising.
He said I was still evading the question.

In the cold light of day, still troubled by last night, I ask myself 'Did he really want me to give him an answer?'
Let's suppose I'd said 'Yes, I don't think we've got enough time to put the show together.'
or 'Yes, I don't think that scene works at all. We haven't got time to change it, though.'
or 'I'm scared that it's all falling apart.'

Would he have been comforted by this? Would he have found the support which he craves?

Tindersticks 'The not knowing is easy, the uncertainty's OK. Just don't tell me, my darling, that your love's gone away.'

I still love. Blindly?

Fourth Weekend Saturday 26th & Sunday 27th

2005-03-02T12:15:00.000Z

After Wednesday, I'd got my fingers crossed about which story structure people would go for. Over Thursday and Friday, I got a drip drip response back from the cast. Results were as follows:-

9 of the 11 plumped for the Love Story as top choice. Of them, I think that 3 had seen through the fact that it was the same story as the Life Story. 2 others wanted to incorporate elements of the other 2 choices.

Duncan picked his own story. However, he was open to incorporating elements of the Life Story, and was quite self deprecating about the likelihood that anyone else would pick his story.

Sidrah picked the Life Story. I noted this, and aimed to check that she was ok with the majority decision.

Having been effectively given the go ahead on the Love Story, I had the following email exchange with Emma..

Heh heh, cool you're on the case.

When my mum initially wanted to get into photojournalism, she used to take the Manchester Evening News jam and bakewell tarts. Over a relatively short period, because they were amused by this eccentricity they started using more of her photos, eventually contracting her...
Don't really know why I told you that.

Anyhoo, dad's sandals. When I was at Mike Stewart's workshop last weekend, he talked about a story having a beginning, tension being ramped up, a climax and then resolution. I think for a while we've all been pretty much agreed that Raf's story blows everyone away. I thought that it would be a really down ending, though.

I want to give people hope.

When we went to the Yorkshire Sculpture Park, Emily told a story about how, for a period of time, her parents split up. It was only a couple of months, but she stayed with her mum, and only saw her dad on Sundays. This was hard, because she admits that she is more of a 'daddy's girl'.

Then, he came back. It wasn't talked about, but she vividly remembers coming home from Guides and seeing his sandals in the porch. She describes in detail the embarrasment about the fact that he wears sandals, but how at that moment they resulted in the happiest moment of her life. That's how she knew he was home...

I've paraphrased considerably, but I saw this as the hope I was looking for. Hope I've not spoiled it...

R-)

Emma wrote:

I'm amused by your emailing me whilst I'm just emailing you...so I'll copy in what I was just sending....

Hi Everyone...

Right the poster/flyer....few issues...Claires off today and she was struggling yesterday with it...the image won't make a postcard....without distorting the image so for the postcard the image has to sit within the postcard with a surrounding area around it...where we can put text...confused...yes so was I till I saw it...but I get it now and its true....

The poster....we're still having problems with the logo....at the moment it isn't a cut out logo that we use its got a white background....and I don't like the thought of having a white blob taking up space on the pic....unless genius ideas flood through my email system in the next 20 mins....its paying for a designer downstairs I think (thats where inprint live!)

I'm on the case with jouno's too so thats good...I'm hedging for bbc online and jim greenhalf the T&A. The metro are being a bit tough to get through too....but I'm trying waving free tickets at them.

As for the story...I'm well confused....but I didn't think that I'd read it and understand it all...I'm most struck by dads sandals....

My initial email was...

The balance has tipped in favour of... Story B! (Surprise, surprise)

Em/Cat, here's the order of stories...
I Have Never... A Love Story

Foyer - What have you never done? (Michelle asking audience with dictaphone)
INTRO - Travelled In The Boot Of A Car (Nicki)
Audience ushered into the space - Cast Explanation of The Game played over the soundsystem...
Had A Surprise Birthday Party (Lucy)
(Game Starts - Blah Blah Blah Tea Party)
Had to Confront a Crush (Becky)
(Blah Blah Blah Shots)
Said it with Flours (Chris)
(Blah Blah Blah Wine Glasses)
Been Ballroom Dancing (Amanda)
(Blah Blah Blah Pint Glasses)
Flown Unaided/Swam with Sharks (Duncan)
(Blah Blah Blah Rugby Team)
Been Assaulted (Sidrah)
(Blah Blah Blah Torture Camp)
Seen a Rugby Game/Found A Lump... (Anne) - The lump is Nicki in the set!
I Will Never...Convert for Love (Raf)
(Blah Blah Blah Celebrity Detox)
My Dream/Happiest MomentVampires/Dad's Sandals (Emily)
END

Hmmm, thinking about it, may swap Anne and the torture camp around... Any thoughts? Feedback?

Conscious that some of this might not make sense... hopefully all will be clear over the weekend. Can you let me know what rooms we have booked for tomorrow/Sunday?
Oh, and how's the poster coming along? Is it ready to proof yet? R-)

Saturday rolled around. As many people had chosen to take this rehearsal off, I only had 4 of the cast to work with - Emily, Anne, Lucy & Michelle. With this in mind, I decided to focus on the end of the show - Emily's story about her dad.

Before that, I thought I'd try out something which I had seen on Celebrity Extreme Detox on Channel 4 the week before. In one of the groups, they'd had to do an 'Angel Walk'.

This basically involves blindfolding someone, then the remainder of the group have to lead the blinded member through the space. While doing this they focus on soft contact, stroking the person, holding their hands etc. On top of this, they also have to make positive comments about the person. The intention is to leave people with an intense sense of well being.

The group met this suggestion with some cynicism. However, they all went through with it, and strangely, there did seem to be a truly positive feel to the rest of that day's proceedings...

We sat down and listened back to Emily's story. I had forgotten all about the dream element of the story, where Emily is with her dad and they have to dip a crisp into a dip, eat it and turn into a vampire/werewolf. We focussed on this element initially.

The transformation when people demonstrated changing into a werewolf proved fascinating. There seemed to be a compulsion to dip in the dip, but the knowledge that it would lead to something bad was writ across each cast member's face. Pain was expressed, before people fell to all fours. The movement around the floor reminded me most of Sadaka coming out of the TV from the original Ringu (the scariest horror film I've ever seen on video). Eventually we had all four approaching the audience, reaching the audience's feet, before howling as if at the moon...

This is not at all where I'd expected the story to go. It was deeply uncomfortable, for me as audience, but also for the cast. The natural reaction was to break the tension by laughing. So that's what we did. Then, Lucy came up with a game to move us into the next part of the story.

I'll call it Sit, Stand, Lean, Lie. Each of the 4 cast members have to assume one of the four positions. No two can assume the same position at the same time. There is a pause each time the 4 reach a Sit, Stand, Lean, Lie moment. Then 1 person breaks it, and the other 3 have to adjust into a different set of positions.

Lucy told us that this had been a game she'd played at Guides (at least I think that was the case, I may have misremembered this). As Emily's story about her father started with her coming home from Guides, it seemed appropriate. I asked them to try and work out 9 different set ups, before moving onto the next phase of the story.

This was the discovery of the Sandals. The cast each waved goodbye to Emily, leaving her alone on stage. She moved stage left, where Emma had placed her trainers (to represent the Sandals). Emily took her own shoes off, saw the 'Sandals', placed her own shoes next to them and then moved into a 'lounge' area. There, Carl pretended to be the Dad. Sat on two chairs to represent the sofa, he stood up, and him and Emily embraced. They then returned to the 'sofa' and held a 'hug position' with Emily on Carl's lap. I imagined a fade out on this, followed by a light just focussed on the shoes...

Maybe Carl as 'Dad' could be sitting in the fron row of the audience? I'll have to give that some thought. Helby (Co-Producer of Blue Remembered Hills) and Cheryl (Random Theatre Group Member) popped into the rehearsal, so we played back the whole section we'd worked on through the day.

We finished up. A group of us went to see The Lad Lit Project at The Mill (Third Angel Theatre Company - A great one man piece, defined by someone as 'A Male Vagina Monologues'). We then were invited back to Amanda's, and spent the evening chatting and drinking.

This weekend's pics from Carl (http://gust.no-ip.com/ihn/weekend1/).

Onto Sunday. I'd decided that, as we had all the cast today (bar Nicki) we'd work solidly on two stories which two cast members had sent me by email. These emails were proof to me that both the cast had 'bought in' to the show...

EMAIL 1

Hey ric

This is my story of something that I wish I'd never done.

Its something that was so amazingly heart breaking and embarrassing at the time and something that I've never really told anyone.

I was 13, at secondary school. I've always been quite an emotional person and at this age was very very quiet and shy. It was at that stage of life where you start to fancy boys. My friends fancied several boys at once and they changed every day!

I didn't though. I liked a lot of the boys as friends but I never really fancied any of them.

Then one day, I fell in love, it was love at first sight.

It was during a PE class and some sixth form students were helping out as part of their own lessons. We had to do several exercises and then take our pulses. I was finding it really hard to find a pulse and people around me were taking the piss that I was dead.

Then...he came towards me. His name was Jonny Lee. He was so amazingly good looking, not a pretty boy but just handsome. He had curly hair just past his ears. He came and took my pulse. He joked with me that I shouldn't worry because it can be hard the first time. His fingers left a mark where he had been taking my pulse because my skin was sweaty. He apologised and tried to rub the mark off my wrist.

I just couldn't stop staring at him. I was mesmerised by him and everything about him. I felt as if a huge sigh was passing through my entire body. This was the first time I had ever felt love, and it wasn't just that I fancied him...I truly had fallen in love with him. This may sound really stupid, I know I was only 13, and after such a short unromantic meeting how could I have been in love but...I just knew I was.

I'd see Jonny Lee walking around school occasionally and my infatuation just got more and more. I wished desperately that I was older so he'd look at me. Or that I was one of those girls who look older. But I was just a flat chested, specky geeky looking kid. I knew that I could never get that love back..but part of me believed that I might.

Eventually pretty much everyone in my class knew of my huge love of Jonny Lee. Some people thought it was funny but as they heard me talking about him more they began to realise that I didn't just fancy some sixth former, I was in love with Jonny Lee.

I'd always see Jonny Lee when I had my weekly geography lesson. He had a class at the same time and his class room was opposite mine. I'd never ever dream of making contact with him, or make it obvious that I was staring at him. I was far too shy for that. Also part of me knew that I would get rejected at the first second and this would break my whole fantasy so I was too scared.

Him and a couple of his friends were standing outside his classroom and me and my whole class were waiting outside ours. I was talking to one of my friends about how much I loved Jonny Lee.

Unfortunately, the complete and utter bitch face cow of my class, Jodie Allison overheard our conversation. She of course knew of my love for him but didn't know what Jonny Lee looked like. In her loudest, most screechy horrible shreek, she shouted

'Oi Becky, is that Jonny Lee, that one [pointed at him] that one who you reaalllly fancy'

( I proceeded to go red and try to hide behind my friend)

'Yeh thats him isn't it(Jonny Lee looked over)that one that you fancy, that you love, that you dream of kissing'

[horrible screechy laughter]

'Don't hide from him _____, go kiss him if you want to, everyone move back so Jonny Lee can see who fancies him'

[proceeded to push everyone back and pushed me into the space so Jonny Lee could finally see me]

'yeh Oi Jonny Lee, this girl reaally fancies you'

[horrible screechy laughter again, followed my laughter from everyone else in my class and Jonny Lee's friends]

Jonny Lee didn't laugh though. I was standing their exposed, my deep and true love on show for him. He just looked at me. Not with a returned love, not with understanding, not even with sympathy. With contempt. He had been embarrassed in front of his friends, because of me...the geeky kid. If I had had any looks of any sort then maybe it would have been different. No, in front of him was a ugly 13 year old, and behind him were his sneering friends. He looked mortified that I would even think I was in his league. That I could even imagine that I could fancy him. If only I was older, if only I was pretty. But, I was none of these things.

I felt heart-ache, embarrassment, remorse and rejection. I'd lost a love that I guess I'd never had but really I had. It was foolish for me to carry on loving Jonny Lee because he knew my secret now and any vague hope I'd ever had was carried away. But I felt heart broken because I had lost a love.

He walked into his classroom, I walked into mine. I saw him occasionally, around school. My first love was gone.

I sometimes wonder if he ever realised how great my feelings had been for him. I often wonder what kind of person he really was, because I'd never spoken to him properly. I wonder what he looks like now, if I would even recognise him.

It sounds stupid I know that I could have loved someone that deeply. It was a naive love and a young love and so stupid but I had the greatest feelings for him, the biggest infatuation. It was undoubtedly unhealthy. But still...something that always sticks in my mind.

So, what part of my experience is it that I wished I'd never done? That I'd never gone to that PE class...no. That I wished I'd never fallen in love with him...no, no way. That I'd never told anyone...yes...but I needed to face reality at some point but....part of me still wishes that that horrible incident had never happened. I would have got over him at some point...I think.

So thats it, the story of Jonny Lee, my first love.

EMAIL 2

I Have Never…
Been to a rugby match.

This may seem quite a reasonable thing for a woman to say (especially with current state of Scottish rugby). The funny thing is that I went all the way to Ireland a few years ago with the specific aim of going to see a match (Union of course, not the glorious League type game).
My boyfriend at the time (Ian) was a big England fan and paid for us to go (on Valentines weekend) to see England v Ireland at Lansdowne Rd as part of the 5 Nations (as it was then). He was still living in Glasgow and me in Bradford so we travelled independently and I met him at the hotel late on Fri evening to discover that none of us (he, me and about 6 of his mates) had tickets so we were going to brave the ticket touts on the Saturday morning. That made me feel like Id arrived a little on false pretences, but since I wasn’t too fussed about actually being AT the game where my least favourite team (can you guess who?) were playing the home team.

We spent ages looking for tickets and eventually got tickets for everyone. By this time 2 Swiss lads had joined our party, these were acquaintances of one of Ian’s mates. As a Scot Im not a particular fan of any national sporting team except Scotland, and as I alluded to earlier Im afraid I have the usual dread of supporting England (only non English folks can understand this). Therefore I knew I was going to be supporting Ireland. This may have explained why Ian decided to take a ticket for one of the better areas of the ground while leaving me with these 2 Swiss blokes in one of the less favoured areas.

Now I hardly know these blokes (having met them only a few hours earlier)… they didn’t understand rugby and seemed to think that I would be able to explain the game to them, how nuts is that!

Anyway when we arrived at the turnstile the first guy’s ticket, obtained under false pretences turned out to be a fake (bastard ticket touts) and they wouldn’t let him in. His mate then decided that he wasn’t going in alone with me (Im obviously too scary!).

This left me with a dilemma… to go in totally alone or to give my ticket to the bloke who’s ticket didn’t work and not go in at all. I thought about if for a short while and decided that I wouldn’t go in all on my own anyway so passed over the ticket.

I then spent the next hour or so shopping and popped into a couple of pubs to keep up with the score.

We had all arranged to meet in a pub afterwards and I did consider not fessing up that I hadn’t gone but in the end decided to be truthful.

Ian was EXTREMELY displeased.

However, what I would say is that if he had wanted me to go so badly then he could have taken a ticket that would let me stand with him.

So that’s why Ive never been to a rugby match!

My second story is prompted by your structure last night, particularly relating to support, or lack of it

6 years ago, while at a conference in the USA I discovered a lump in my breast. It was only tiny but definitely didn’t feel hormonal. I was with my PhD student and although I was quite close to her I didn’t feel I wanted to tell her. We had just arrived on our 2 week trip so every day and every night I spent thinking, shit this thing isn’t going away… this is bound to be something horrible! It also kept coming back to my mind that when I first arrived in Bradford a colleague who was 32 years old had been diagnosed with breast cancer, although of course I know from my line of work that it is extremely rare.

After 2 weeks of worrying about it and stressing over it I came back from the States and was picked up at the airport by Ian, who I was living with by now. In the car I was a bit quiet, trying to pluck up courage to tell him but finding it really difficult (and we were dropping off my student so I wasn’t going to tell him right there and then).

Finally after agonising over it for ages I told him that I had been really worried for the whole trip due to finding this small lump in my breast. His response astounded me (to this day). This was along the lines of “ well your breasts are often a bit lumpy, aren’t they” Not surprisingly we didn’t talk about it any more.

Now it may seem a bit cowardly of me but despite being a scientist and knowing exactly how important it is to visit your GP if you find anything that could be considered as sinister at all, I didn’t make an appointment to see my doctor. In fact I told no-one else for several days until my sister rang me. Immediately she could tell that all was not well with me and I blurted it out on the phone. She immediately then gave me such a telling off and insisted that as soon as I put the phone down I make an appointment with my doctor and she was going to ring back to check I had. That support, along with her telling me that her secretary at work (the same age as me) had just had to have a mastectomy because of a diagnosis of breast cancer a few months previously spurred me into action.

I made the appointment and told Ian. He didn’t offer to come along with me to what would surely be the most scary doctor’s visit of my life… and I didn’t ask him to.

When I went to the GP he referred me to the oncology unit - I knew he would.

Following this appointment I told several close friends at work, one of whom offered to come along with me to the oncology appointment.

My feelings about my relationship were in turmoil, I couldn’t get over the fact that I hadn’t had the support I felt I really needed. I knew that if a similar threat to Ian’s health had arisen I would have insisted on him making the doctors appointment and dragged him there, holding his hand every step of the way.

My lump needed 2 biopsies then an operation for removal before I got the all clear, although the oncologist was extremely nice and after the second biopsy was almost sure that it wasn’t a cancerous growth.

By the time I had the operation I had moved out of the house and my relationship was over.

Some things you cant get over.

---

I'd been genuinely affected by both of these stories. How could I do them justice? I decided to give the decision as to how to use the pieces to the cast.

Unfortunately, we had to wait for a while to get into our rehearsal space. It was freezing, so a warm up was essential. We went around in a circle, each person contributing a different warm up exercise. Someone suggested the hokey cokey. This was great fun, and a revelation to Raf. I'd never considered that it was a purely English game, and wouldn't have crossed the water to France.

I then split the cast into two groups. They were,

Duncan, Sidrah, Raf, Emily & Becky working on EMAIL 1
Anne, Amanda, Chris, Lucy & Michelle working on EMAIL 2

I gave them an hour and a half to develop a representation of their email. Each group had the originator of the email in their midst. This meant that if they wanted to clarify something about the story, they could. I'd also suggest they do 'See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil' process on each piece. Therefore, one person would read the story(SPEAK), one person provide sound effects(HEAR) and the other three would work on movement(SEE).

The results were fantastic. Highlights included:-

EMAIL 1
- Becky wolf whistling.
- Raf taking Sidrah's pulse.
- Duncan producing a heart beat sound effect, and clutching his goolies as a lustful sixth former.
- Emily attempting a whiny voice as 'the evil bitch face cow'.

EMAIL 2
- Amanda and Chris producing a movement motif to represent a couple together.
- Lucy coming up with a rugby scrum becoming a representation of the breast.
- Michelle as 'the lump', pushing and prodding Amanda.
- Anne recounting the last paragraph of the story.

We did a show and tell, each group showing the other what they had produced. I then asked each group to add themselves onto the imagery of the other group. We started by working with EMAIL 1.

Now instead of just Emily and Sidrah running back and forth in the PE class, Michelle, Amanda, Lucy and Anne joined them. Chris joined Raf and Duncan as the frustrated 6th Form boys tasked with overseeing the class.

In the corridor section (waiting outside class) we had the same groups, the added numbers giving a more realistic portrayal of schoolkids hanging about. The gang mentality became more established. Sidrah, as visual centre of the piece, appeared more isolated in her embarassment.

I added my own directorial tweak. I split the email into 11 pieces. The group had to pretend it was a love letter. A 'my mate fancies you' sort of a note. They would read an element of it, then pass it onto the next person. When it got to Jonny Lee's reaction, Raf as JL receives the note, reads the female protaganists reaction, then throws it to the floor. Becky, as next reader, picks this up, then passes it to Chris (whose story slots next into the overall structure).

I was chuffed, and let the cast break for lunch. Carl expressed concern about Chris reading the last bit, as it would affect the 'Fiasco' moment he had established with Sidrah. Therefore, we agreed that it would have to be recorded and played in at the end of the scene...

Over lunch, some of my cast and crew got lured into a workshop that was going on at the Mill. Local Theatre Company, The Escape Committee had organised an Australian Style Beach Party, and planned to recreate the 1966 World Cup Final between England and West Germany. This was an entertaining diversion, but outside was very cold. Carl and Michelle had to go to another rehearsal...

Eventually, when we returned to the rehearsal space, everyone was frozen solid.

We pushed on with work on adding the extra cast to EMAIL 2. The extra bodies meant we could now represent a rugby scrum/breast much more effectively. Raf and Duncan became the two Swiss men. Libby (New Marketing Exec Member) came to see how we were doing, and I got her to play Nicki's part as 'the lump'. This involved her climbing around the backs of the other cast members, then disappearing into the centre of the scrum/breast from above. I let Emma run this part of the rehearsal, as she had seen a similar thing done before. I was slightly nervous that someone was going to land on their head and do themselves an injury. However, I kept this to myself...

The result was fantastic. Libby's legs disappearing into the throng reminded me of the moment that Ewan MacGregor goes down the loo in 'Trainspotting'.

It had been a long day. People were tired. I finished off with a couple of trust exercises.

-Stand in a circle of the rest of the cast. Allow yourself to fall, and the other cast members have to support your weight with their hands.
-Pair up. Person A lies face down on the floor. Person B takes A's arms and raises them above their heads. Count to 30. B then slowly lowers A's arms to the ground. A feels as if they are falling through the floor... Swap places and repeat.

It picked people up a bit.

I was knackered. I sat in the bar for a couple of hours, waiting for Carl's Salad Days rehearsal to end. I then took him, Duncan and Lucy home.

4th Rehearsal Proper 23/2/05

2005-03-01T15:33:00.000Z

Tonight was decision night. It was the point where I had to get people to 'buy in' to the concept of the overall structure.
I'd given the group four options. To paraphrase...
A) I don't want a director. I want you to delegate the overall structure to us, the workers/cast. Revolution!
B) I don't want a director. I want you to guide us by offering three choices of overall structure.
C) I don't want a director. I want you to excite us with your unique vision, ie get on with it.
D) I want my Director back!
This had been based on the Skill/Will matrix I had found on the following website...
http://www.leaps-bounds.co.uk/
(It's worth the search, somewhere in free stuff)
Most of the cast had plumped for B), except Lucy, who plumped for C), Duncan who chose A) and Amanda who initially chose A), but, when sent the following email, decided on C) instead.

>Hi Amanda,
>>Emma has emailed me to let me know you plumped for me delegating story structure to you as the cast.

>>Therefore, you get a head start on this phase. If you've got time, have a think about the overall story. We will be finalising this tomorrow night. Duncan has also plumped for Option 1 so far. He is going to bring his suggested story to the rehearsal tomorrow. I'm really excited to see how you will interpret the material we've collected so far. Here are a few tips on story organising from Mike Stewart's workshop over the weekend...

>>A) There are five basic story structures.
>>They are:->1) Overcoming The Monster - Think Jaws, Beowulf, Godzilla
>2) Rags To Riches - Think Cinderella, Pretty Woman, Rocky
>3) The Quest - Think Holy Grail, Raiders Of The Lost Ark, (In fact, any >Indiana Jones film...)>4) Voyage & Return - Think Jason & The Argonauts, Pinocchio, Star Trek
>5) Rebirth - Think Sleeping Beauty, Snow White & The Seven Dwarves, The Resurrection...
>>Some stories encompass all these elements. For an example, look no further than Lord Of The Rings. Think about how each story structure appears within it.

>>B) You also need to decide if your structure is Comic or Tragic. This is defined by your ending. 'A tragedy is just comedy interrupted'. Equally, comedy is a tragedy that is resolved. Again, some stories encompass both elements and are 'tragicomic' (See One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest).
I'd like to produce a play which has people in tears of both laughter and sadness...

>>C) Lastly, think about how you ramp up the tension. Satisfying Films/Plays tend to follow a 'Three Act' strategy.
>a) Establish the situation.
>b) Ramp up the tension.
>c) Climax and Resolution.
>I've paraphrased a bit, but you get the gist.

>>Maybe use the game of consequences to help structure the story/scenes.
>Who are the protagonists (2 Minimum)?
>Where are they?
>When is the play/scenes set?
>Why is it of interest?
>What was said (can include body language)? This should include a statement, a response and response to the response.
>How does the situation pan out?

>>>>I'm conscious that this may well be info overload. Let me know if anything needs more explaining, or if you plump for a different choice...
>>R-)

As you can see, I basically sent what I'd learnt from the weekend with Mr. Stewart.
With Duncan wanting to have a crack at the structure, I figured his could be 1 of the 3 multiple choices I would offer the group. All the cast were due at the rehearsal, and a decision would be made...

Not everyone was able to get there for 6.30. We were rehearsing in the Small Hall next to the Biko and this had lots of purple notice boards set out, presumably for some sort of display which was due to happen the next day. As people filtered in and joined us, I thought I'd do some recap on games we'd played previously...
1) Darkin Shoe Throwing Game. This I was beginning to see as a metaphor for the order of stories, and that it would be a case of one cast member telling a story, then passing it on. With the added obstacles of the notice boards, I replaced throwing a shoe with throwing my balled up scarf, and a curly afro wig. We played it to death. I think, it's use has been exhausted for this cast.
2) We played the villagers and bear game. I was thinking that Nicki may use a similar movement piece later in the show. This I may discard eventually, though. We started with just Anne being the bear. People had learnt from the last time we played it, and all but Carl chose to hide their eyes... Not only that, but the cast didn't notice that Nicki (who is due to hide in the set) was missing, she had hidden so well. Becky and Nicki, both survived the bear ordeal, despite licking and drooling, and tickling being employed by unscrupulous bears.
3) Fiasco. A couple of the cast had yet to play this - Sidrah and Michelle. This was a bit of a Baptism of fire for them, but they both coped magnificently.
We wound this up, just as Amanda was the last to arrive about 7.30pm.
So it was time to pitch the structures.
I let Duncan go first. We had a flip chart which he could use. He also had a lot of notes. I was nervous. Would he have come up with a better concept than me? Would the cast slap me down, and pick his story?

His was a tale of chaos and death. It involved Gangsters. Raf going mad and killing people. He'd come up with three ideas in a similar vein, all of which ended up with someone being alone. It was interesting to see which stories he'd picked out, and which he was still unaware of. The birthday party was there, as was his flying/swimming with sharks and Raf's story. I think he got a bit of a nerve attack, though. It was a brave attempt, and I wanted to work some of his thoughts into my own stories.

I then took the floor.
I pitched that my first story was a Story Of Love.
I asked who had seen their email today. Some had. I got them to recount my mystery about the Valentine Card (which I had sent them all). Many thought it was a fabrication, and there was an audible gasp when I produced the actual card and envelope. I involved them, by getting those who had not read the story to try and solve the mystery. A couple of the cast, bought in then and there, telling new stories which my own story threw up. There was a frisson of excitement in the air. I detailed the order/structure as follows:-
Friendship Love - Throwing a surprise birthday party.
Infatuation Love - A crush unrequited.
Demonstrative Love - Love writ in bold.
Reciprocated Love - The dance.
First Flush Of Love - Flying/Swimming with Sharks.
Sibling Love/Relationship Attacked - A shoulder to cry on.
Tortured Love - Everything goes wrong (I didn't have a proper story here yet)
Broken Love - We're pushed too far.
Reconciled Love/Parental Love - We return to the family home or resolve the issue.

My second story was a Story of Life.
I didn't pitch this as hard, because a) I was running out of time, we'd nattered so much about the love story, and b) This was actually the same story as the Story of Love.
The only differences were the mention of someone being born from the boot of the car and a death/rebirth scenario occuring at the climax.

A couple of the cast bought into this, too.
As we'd spent the majority of the rehearsal, talking and not doing, I gave everyone a cake for their patience, asked them to email me their choice of:
a) Duncan's Story
b) A Love Story
c) A Life Story
so I could prepare rehearsals for the weekend, and crossed my fingers...

We headed over to Flares for a couple of drinks. I nattered briefly with our techie Johnboy. Iain told me that, if I fancied, he would give me feedback on the show as if it had been put into NSDF competition. I wilfully accepted this offer, and headed home, tired.

My first performance was over.

Next morning, Anne sent me an email, and the love jigsaw was complete...

Monday Night Mystery...21st

2005-02-22T14:34:00.000Z

OK, I have to write about this. It's a genuine I Have Never that has just changed.

I Have Never Received A Valentine's Card, And Not Known Who It Was From.

I finished work yesterday at 5pm. Got back home about 5.30 having picked my suit up from the dry cleaners (It had got covered in flour from my cabaret escapades). There were three letters waiting for me at home. 2 were bills (Yawn...). 1 was considerably more intriguing.

It was in a cream envelope, of a normal size. It was addressed as follows:-

(Squiggle)

Richard Nield
23 Bainbridge Road
Headingley
Leeds
LS6 3AD

On first inspection, it seemed to have been sent from Leeds on 18.02.05 @ 04.19pm (I got this from the franking on the envelope, some of which was blurred). It had a first class stamp on it which was yellow with a red lion on it. This was not a stamp I had seen before and it perplexed me, but I thought no more of it. The writing appeared to be male (ie scruffy and disorganised). The squiggle looked like it might say MI5...

The card looked like it had seen better days. The front read...

"With All My Love,

Valentine

Together Means You and Me"

It had two hearts at an angle, interlinked and filled with swirls. One was an opaque red heart, the other was transparent. The swirl motif continued along the right edge of the card.

When I opened the card, it reeked of perfume (Granny's perfume at that). Small confetti like silver stars and red hearts fell out of it. Inside 'Richard' had been written at the top of the card in silver pen. The swirl motif continued across the whole inside. A poem read as follows...

"Together means
being with someone you love
and knowing
'that special someone'
loves being with you, too.
Together with you
is the nicest way to be!

Happy Valentine's Day

Below this, someone had placed a kiss mark and put some sparkle on the kiss.

I was deeply confused. Who would send me such a card? I narrowed it down to three groups:-
a) Someone In My Cast/Theatre Group
b) Someone At Work
c) An Unknown Stalker.

This was the stage at which Carl picked me up to take me to the weekly theatre group meeting. I explained my conundrum. He was amused. He also noted that it was odd and clearly it had caused me much thought, because normally I don't let him get a word in edgeways on the drive over to Bradford. Tonight, after explaining, I was virtually silent.

I began to wonder if I was going mad. Had I sent myself the card and forgotten? I can't believe with hindsight that I genuinely considered this, but I did.

One thing I seemed certain on. It was not genuine. Someone was playing a trick. A mean trick. I commented to Carl how sad this assumption was, that I could not countenance the idea that someone might 'actually' be interested in me romantically.

We got to the meeting I showed Iain of all people (I figured that he wouldn't have sent it)! I got voted in as Vice President, but my response was rather muted. I was still perturbed. I mentioned it in passing at the meeting, but it garnered little interest. After the meeting, in the pub, I showed Gilli. She was amused, but could shine no light.

I'd ruled out family. When I was a kid, mum had sent me a Valentine's Card every year to cheer me up on this day that I hated. But, I was sure that the postal stamp said Leeds.

I got a lift home, and mulled over other possibilities with Carl. I watched telly and had tea, but can't tell you much about either. My mind was totally filled with the mystery. I went to bed earlier than normal, taking the card with me. I looked at it before I turned off the light, thinking that maybe the fact that it was the last thing I saw before sleep might lead to a solution in my dreams...the stinky perfume filled my bedroom.

No solution came. I woke up and outside it had snowed. The light coming into the house was brighter than normal, but the answer was still in shadow.

Who had sent it?
Why had it been sent 4 days after Valentine's Day?
Who couldn't spell my second name properly, and addressed me as Richard, not Ric?
Who knew most of my address, but not my Flat number or correct spelling of Bainbrigge?
Why MI5?

Emotion about this fluctuated.
I was annoyed because I didn't know. Wrathful that someone was making a fool of me.
I wanted to gorge myself on the idea of the card. A glutton for love.
Greedy to capitalize on the situation.
I felt Pride that someone should send Me a card.
I was Slothful. Lazy about other tasks because of my obsession over this issue.
Lust filled me. What if I found out the person. What if it was real. I've not had sex for 4 years.
I envied the person who sent it. Their knowledge of the solution. Their unkown and unexpected power over me.

Most of all I was scared because I might have to face my fear of love.

I didn't like what this card had done to me.

I took it to work. I was ruling out most of group a) because they surely all lived in Bradford. I briefly had thought it might be Chris, because he had detailed a similar story about a Valentine's Card two weekend's ago. He lived in Bradford, though.

I remembered that Duncan lives in Leeds. Maybe that also explained the stamp. I'd thought overnight that the stamp might be of Scottish origin - hence Red Lion. In email correspondence with him, he initially claimed that Yes, he had sent the card. However, when I asked him directly about it, making it clear how important it was to me, he backed off. He had not sent the card, and felt it would have been too mean a trick.

I was also ruling out my workmates. Both Marv and Matt reacted with amusement. I was still in Rachel's bad books so there was no way she would have sent it. None of my staff who worked for me knew my address.

Eventually, just before lunch, I showed the card to my boss. She examined it as I had. She agreed that it smelled of grannies. She read it, made similar observations as I had...

With one notable exception.

"It says Glasgow here," She said.

I'd missed part of the franking. It hadn't been delivered from Leeds, it must have been redirected from a sorting office there. The squiggle was not MI5, but MIS. Presumably, it had got misdirected because of the incorrect address. Hence, it was a week late (darn British postal service...).

Who lives in Glasgow?

My Best Mate and his Girlfriend.

I sent him a text...

"You right pair of gits. I very nearly made a fool of myself with someone I fancy because of you. You'd better come and see I Have Never now..."

Who do I fancy?

Now, I can't tell you that...

Third Weekend Saturday 19th & Sunday 20th

2005-02-22T09:18:00.000Z

As we are well into the structuring phase, I thought it would be a good idea to get some advice on story structure. This is why I decided to get involved with the weekend workshop run by Michael Stewart, Writer in Residence at TitM - 'Form Not Formula'. I've seen Michael's work on stage at the Mill a couple of times, and had always been impressed.

So, I turned up at The Mill at 9.45 Saturday, looking forward to someone else running an event rather than myself. The makeup of the group was quite different to my usual experience of Mill regulars. Here, I was in a different world, the world of writers. These were predominately middle-aged, with a couple of exceptions (myself being one).

The morning was initially theory. I was introduced to the following concepts:-

A) There are five basic story structures.

They are:-
1) Overcoming The Monster - Think Jaws, Beowulf, Godzilla
2) Rags To Riches - Think Cinderella, Pretty Woman, Rocky
3) The Quest - Think Holy Grail, Raiders Of The Lost Ark, (In fact, any Indiana Jones film...)
4) Voyage & Return - Think Jason & The Argonauts, Pinocchio, Star Trek
5) Rebirth - Think Sleeping Beauty, Snow White & The Seven Dwarves, The Resurrection...

Some stories encompass all these elements. For an example, look no further than Lord Of The Rings. Think about how each story structure appears within it.

B) You also need to decide if your structure is Comic or Tragic. This is defined by your ending. 'A tragedy is just comedy interrupted'. Equally, comedy is a tragedy that is resolved. Again, some stories encompass both elements and are 'tragicomic' (See One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest). I'd like to produce a play which has people in tears of both laughter and sadness...

C) Lastly, think about how you ramp up the tension. Satisfying Films/Plays tend to follow a 'Three Act' strategy.
a) Establish the situation.
b) Ramp up the tension.
c) Climax and Resolution.
I've paraphrased a bit, but you get the gist.

I'd never thought about stories in this structured way before. It interested me enormously, but I knew that I'd lost an element of innocence. From now on, I would be pigeon holing films I watched, books I read and plays I saw into these structures.

The group were then tasked with going into trios and working on a particular situation (a domestic location, where a mystery object comes through the door). This is close to Mike's heart at the mo' as he is developing a piece called 'The Cleaners', which has a similar intro. As I wanted to focus on I Have Never, I divided off, and thought about the stories I'd collected so far.

Having played it earlier in the process, I thought maybe I could use the game of consequences to help structure the story/scenes.
1) & 2) Who are the protagonists (2 Minimum)?
3) Where are they?
4) When are the scenes set?
5) Why is it of interest?
6),7) & 8) What was said (can include body language)? This should include a statement, a response and response to the response.
9) How does the situation pan out?

I reckon that I had 10 stories as follows (In no particular order, with ? denoting gaps that I needed to fill)...

STORY A - Swimming With Sharks - Endangered (DUNCAN)
1) Diver 2) Shark 3) The Ocean 4) ? 5) "I have never swum with sharks" 6) "Aaaahhh!" 7) Chomp! 8) "Ouch!" 9) ?

STORY B - The Return Home - Delighted (EMILY)
1) Daughter 2) Father 3) Home 4) After Guides 5) "My happiest moment is..." 6) "Hello?" 7) "I'm Back" 8) "I've Missed You" 9) Happily Ever After?

STORY C - Religious Differences - Converted (RAFAEL)
1) French Jew 2) American Muslim 3) Israel 4) On Holiday 5) "I Will Never Convert For Love" 6) "I Love You" 7) "Convert" 8) "I Can't" 9) They break up.

STORY D - Teenage Crush - Confronted (BECKY)
1) Teenage Boy/Girl? 2) Jonny Lee 3) School 4) PE Class 5) "I Wish I'd Never Told Anyone" 6) "She/he fancies you" 7) [Blushes] 8) Silence 9) She/he grows up.

STORY E - Racist Mum - Assaulted (SIDRAH)
1) Bradford Muslim 2) Bradford Chav Mum 3) Cinema 4) Evening Performance 5) "I Have Never Been Attacked Before" 6) [Smiles] 7) "I'll kill that f***ing Paki" 8) "Keep your hands off my sister" 9) Fight is broken up.

STORY F - Romantic Gesture - Revealed (CHRIS)
1) Romeo 2) Juliet 3) Juliet's 4) Midnight 5) "I Will Never Make Another Romantic Gesture"
6) "Plain Flour" 7) "Self-Raising Flour" 8) "Say It With Flours" 9) ?

STORY G - The Birthday Party - Surprised (LUCY)
1) Me 2) My Friends 3) ? 4) My Birthday 5) "I Have Never Had A Surprise Birthday Party" 6) "Surprise!" 7) "Oh!" 8) "Happy Birthday" 9) The Game Begins...

STORY H - Purgatory Chamber - Tortured (NICKI)
1) Victim/Terrorist 2) Abuser/American(?) 3) Abu Graib/Guantanamo Bay? 4) Now 5) "I Have Never Been Tortured" 6) "Help!" 7) [Silence] 8) "HELP!" 9) ?

STORY I - Ballroom Blitz - Danced (AMANDA)
1) Him 2) Her 3) Ballroom 4) Evening 5) "I Have Never Been Ballroom Dancing" 6) "Hello..." 7) "May I Have The Honour...?" 8) "Yes" 9) They Dance...

STORY J - Chicken Bone - Thieved (RIC)
1) Man 2) Dog 3) Park 4) Afternoon 5) "I Have Never Been Stolen From" 6) "Yum!" 7) "Woof!" 8) "Oi!" 9) Man Gets Chicken Back.

On speaking to Mike, he suggested that I should maintain the game structure, and ramp up the tension so that the "I Have Never"s got more and more risky until some sort of climax occurred and the situation resolved itself.

With this in mind, I plumped for the following order of Stories...

G D F I A E H C B

I dropped J.

Looking at the structure, I envisaged it as a story of love.

Friendship Love - Organising a Surprise Birthday Party
Infatuation Love - A Crush Unrecquited
Demonstrative Love - A love writ in bold
Reciprocated Love - The dance
First Flush of Love - Flying/Swimming with Sharks
Sibling Love - Defense of a sister
Tortured Love - When things go wrong
Broken Love - Refusal to convert leading to breakup
Reconciled Love/Parental Love - Returning to the family home.

This really excited me...

The trios reformed into a group, and did a show and tell. It intrigued me that all the stories they had produced were littered with tales of abuse, abortion, adoption and paedophilia. They didn't ring true with the world that I live in. They stank of soap operas and media fear. The only thing that interested me was that one group had decided the mystery object coming through the door was a balloon...

So, workshop over for the day, I sloped off to The Mill to see how preparations for the cabaret were going (Have I mentioned the cabaret - Good Grief Connie It's Amazing? I can't remember). I was due to compere as Ayrton Lingus, husband of Connie (think about it - yes, a truly bad pun). I practiced my song a couple of times, checked the running order and pieced together how I could form an 'over story' to tie all the acts together. Maybe I'll talk about that more another day.

Suffice to say, the cabaret proved to be a relative success. It was due to be 2 hours long, but ran for 3 instead. We raised £522. Or so. Then hot footed over to a gig at The Melborn Pub where Rent played 4 songs. Finally, wrapped up the evening with a curry and Richard W. Burton's 30th Birthday Celebrations at his place. Rolled into bed at 4.32am.

Sunday, it was a challenge getting up at 9am to go back to the writing workshop. My hair was all matted from the flour that I'd put in it to falsely age myself the night before (I'll be picking it out of my ears for days...).

Somehow made it on time for the 10am start. Satisfied with my structure for IHN, I decided to join the group who had come up with the ballon concept. This group was made up of Dave Jennings, Don Canivet & Raza (I didn't catch his surname). Over the period of the day, we took what had been fairly kitchen sink, and turned it into something Ortonesque which Dave cunningly titled 'Inflation'. I told the three guys that if they wanted to work it up into a full script, then I would consider directing it and gave them my email address.

4pm rolled around. I felt a bit guilty that I'd not helped with the Connie Get Out. However, I had a rehearsal to run. We'd (Well, Emma had) been able to secure Flares (a local nightclub) for 3 hours, and people showed in dribs and drabs.

Clearly, I was not the only one suffering from the celebrations of the prior night. There were numerous people who were somewhat bleary eyed. Carl and Emma both expressed concern that I should give them a wake up call and tell them off. However, I felt this would be a bit rich as I myself was not yet 100%.

Fortunately, Jo was coming along to give people a few dance moves. Although he had had to drop out of the show itself because of work, Duncan had kept him filled in on the various outings we had been undertaking through the past few weeks.

However, he and Dunc were going to be a little late due to getting locked out. Emma & Cat came to the rescue and played some warm up games/did a dance warm up. I hid in the DJ booth put on my 70's afro wig, and played in various tunes that I was considering including in the show, to test people's reaction to them. The tunes included:-

Bright Eyes - Couple of tracks off I'm Wide Awake It's Morning
LCD Soundsystem - Movement
The Dears - 22: The Death Of All The Romance
The Go Team - A track off their LP, that I want to call Ladyshave, but know that must be wrong...
The Eureka Street Soundtrack (This was a BBC2 show I had loved in 1999, but unfortunately missed the last episode, so never learnt how it was resolved).

I thought that I could really get into this DJing lark. It distracted me from what else was happening really. So, Jo arrived. He gave me a Salsa CD which I popped on, then led an hour's worth of dance lesson. I'd felt this was essential, bearing in mind the embarrassment the cast experienced at last Monday's rehearsal.

It also gave me a chance to recuperate.

This I did. I observed how people interacted. I assessed that two people were not really putting their all in, as Carl and Emma had pointed out. I decided that I needed to address this, but subtley.

Jo had to leave after his dance lesson. I thanked him, and wished him well for his trip to San Francisco. I then decided to focus on what I perceived would be the start of the show. I told the group as such, and they instantly perked up. Here was 'The Beginning' in their eyes.

I explained that we were going to play hide and seek. They were to imagine it was Lucy's Surprise Birthday Party. She would count to 100 in the DJ Booth, while they hid. If they were discovered, they were to shout "Surprise" and join her in looking for the others. Their eyes lit up. They hid. Anne went to Jacksons to get a drink. Chris and Amanda proved to be the best hiders. When Anne returned from the shop, she let me know she wasn't feeling too well, so I excused her.

I changed the game. This time, when the group hid, they were to all hide together. Lucy would try to find them. When she knew that she located them, she would tell an embarrassing story before they jumped out and surprised her. We were going to try this three times, in different locations. They happened as follows:-

1) The group hid in the 'Chill Out' Area of Flares. They built a wall from the stools and a couple of people were obviously behind it. However, the rest were actually hiding to the side of the 'Stool Wall' so Lucy would get a double surprise. When Lucy located them, she pretended to have slept with Duncan and said he had a tiny willy. SURPRISE!

2) The group hid in the centre of the main dance floor. I say hid, they crouched on the floor, and I covered them with a black cloth which Carl had purloined from the Connie Get Out. This proved to be a great image. Lucy came into the space with Emma this time and admitted that she had a crush on her. They kissed. SURPRISE!

3) Again, the group remained in the centre of the main dance floor. This time, rather than crouching, they stood up, but held the cloth up in front of their heads and torsos so only their legs were showing. When Lucy came into the space, they moved around, always keeping the 'cloth face' to Lucy, but revealing themselves at times to 'The Audience' (Carl with his camera). Lucy admitted that she was pregnant to Emma. SURPRISE!

This had really energised the group. I moved onto the next task.

I asked them to spend 5-10 minutes trying to sum up the game of I Have Never in 25 words or less. I explained that the ideal Mission Statement was 25 words or less, hence this selected number. After the allotted time, I recorded their ideas. Some people found this easy, others were unable to get below 25 words. Others, faced with the pressure of presenting it to the group, forgot their statement. I let them record theirs later.

Next, we were to play I Have Never without any actual 'I Have Never's. Instead, the group would go round the circle saying 'I Have Never... Blah Blah Blah'. I wasn't sure if this would work. It was a risk. Would people take to it? They did, like ducks to water. So much so, that we played it for the best part of half an hour. Every now and again I would drop in a new impetus. These were as follows...

a) You are drinking shots
b) You are drinking glasses of wine
c) You are drinking pints
d) You are a rugby team playing the game, and know various drinking 'motifs' i.e. downing a pint then up turning it on your head.
e) You are at a Woman's Institute Meeting. You are drinking tea. You must admit to the I Have Never's but you are profoundly embarrassed.
f) You are at a Celebrity Himalayan Detox. You are playing the game to achieve a zen-like sense of inner peace. However, you are drinking your own urine.
g) You are at a torture camp. You are playing the game because it is the easiest (?) form of torture and if you didn't play, your fate would be much worse/painful. However, you are drinking poison. You must admit to the I Have Nevers, beacause your torturers know when you are telling the truth. Each time you drink, you get closer to death...

This proved fascinating. One by one the players died. Nicki was left. Because she couldn't say I Have Never and drink (A main Rule of the game), she was left on her own. Repeating

"I Have Never Blah Blah Blah".

"I Have Never Blah Blah Blah".

"I Have Never Blah Blah Blah".

There was genuine fear in her eyes/coupled with a fascinating vacancy (Maybe trying to block out imagining what her fate would be, because she could no longer play the 'easy' game).

Carl filmed a lot of it(http://gust.no-ip.com/ihn/flares/).

I thanked my cast. I thanked the promotions manager of Flares. We left the space. We returned to The Mill. We continued the Connie Get Out. I felt less Guilty because I mopped the floor of the theatre. We put the seating rigs back. I liked the possibility that we could use the mechanisms that put the seating rigs back as a way to make it look like someone is flying/swimming. Nicki did a few ballet moves around the space. It looked like she was free...

An aside. Email correspondence as invite to show etiquette...

2005-02-21T11:07:00.000Z

Advice? Oo, I've never been used as a directing guru/mentor before... well thinking about it, that's no strictly true, but never mind.

Tech rehearsal - always have a designated 'second body' who handles the actors. Make it clear at the start of the rehearsal that you will be rehearsing the techs not the actors, and that if they have a question, then they should approach the second body. I've got an assistant director who's going to fulfill this role. Failing that, maybe a producer or stage manager, or the actor who appears most 'on story' (i.e. the story that you want to tell).

Actual shows/Motivation before 1st show - The artistic director at Theatre In The Mill swears that you should have a 'Henry V' speech prepared to roll out before the 1st show. This is your performance, and so should be treated as one. You should know exactly what you want to say, and in what order. It should be specific but not pedantic (ie, only focus on issues that really matter to the telling of the story. If there are creases which it would be nice to iron out, but aren't essential then forget about it - it's too late). Most of all, it should be positive, throughout. Now is not the time for sniping.

Uncertainty about interpretation - This is a toughy. To me, theatre is all about the community. If the community you have put together are not going the way you want them to, then maybe the issue rests with your idea... An old adage worth bearing in mind:-

'Tell people and they will forget, Teach people and they will remember, Involve people and they will learn'.
Unfortunately, involvement has to begin at the beginning. If you plough on with an idea that people don't buy into, an unsatisfactory performance will result. The only option at this late stage, is to question people to establish their specific concerns. Open questions should initiate the discussion, ie:-
How do you interpret the situation? Where would you take the text? When do you expect to resolve this situation? What would you do differently? Who has bought into this idea? If not, Why not?
Then, listen. If they make a point, and changing it does not affect your vision, then let them do it. It will help them to 'buy in'. One point per doubter should be sufficient to get them back on board.
Close the situation by asking a closed question, such as "Are you with me? Yes or No?" If you get yes, then cool. If it's a no, you need to rehash and go back to the start...
Hope you don't see this as the young buck teaching an old dog new tricks. Like the fact that you don't want to look at the blog yet. I'd agree it's probably worth saving it until after you've seen the show. It's like the extras on the Lord of the Rings Extended DVDs. If you watched them first, you would spoil the effect of the story. If you watch them after, it gives you a greater understanding of the process that went into it (Ironically, though, in the long run, it still spoils the story a bit - 'ignorance is bliss' etc. etc.).

Speaking of which, having read this email, I like it so much, I'm going to stick it on the blog.

Let me know how the show goes...

R-)

David Wake wrote:

Ric,

Very, very tempted. I've wanted to see something at the theatre for ages and we can chew the directing cud.

A TRAVESTY!!!!

Hmm, if I can see the show I don't want to know anything about it (as it were), so afterwards (either way).

I'm currently surrounded by stage blocks breathing in those lovely matt black fumes. All I want to do is sit in a corner gibbering.

Any advice for the last lap, tech rehearsal, actual shows, motivating cast (some are very unsure of my interpretation)?

Cheers,

David Wake.

----- Original Message -----
David,

You're more than welcome to come along and see the show. My house is going to double up as a guest house that weekend. Cheryl is already coming up from Cardiff to see it with her boyfriend. Why not join the throng?

As for a script. Hmmm, don't think there'll be one ('a travesty' I hear you cry). We may film it, I'm not quite sure yet. I'm blogging the show, though. This is a secret, (it is essential that no-one else is told) but why not check it out? It serves as a diary of the show, plus thoughts and ideas behind it.

http://ihaveneverplayuk.blogspot.com

Hope it wets your interest still further...

R-)

David Wake wrote:

Ric,

I checked it out, looks really interesting although my obvious comment is the dreadful, appalling and crass decision to do a devised piece - we writers need employment. ;-) I could make that, if not can I have a copy of the script?

I'm all at www.davidwake.com

"The Crucible" is next week and "Richard III (audience participation version)" is at Easter.

Cheers,

David Wake.

----- Original Message -----
Father Ted didn't happen. However, I Have Never is going swimmingly. It's a devised piece and we are on March 11th & 12th. Check it out...
http://www.bradford.ac.uk/theatre/never.php

What have you never done?

R-)

David Wake wrote:

Ric,

Cast him in the play - easy.

What are you up to? How did the Father Ted thing go?

Cheers,

David Wake.

----- Original Message -----
How did you get Fatboy Slim to appear on the poster?

Ric

David Wake wrote:

Dear All,

Arthur Miller's "The Crucible" is on at the Hexagon Theatre, Midlands Arts Centre (mac) from Wed 23rd Feb to Sat 26th Feb, 7:30pm, tickets are selling quite rapidly. I'm the director.

Hopefully see you there.

Cheers,

David Wake.

Auditions - as promised...

2005-02-15T18:48:00.000Z

Well, I guess I promised to describe this, and I'm on a bit of a roll.

OK. This whole thing started on 29th January. For the cast, that is.

Before that, I'd had the concept of doing a play about the game I Have Never after playing it on the weekend of last year's 24hour show (don't know what one of those is? Come along to The Mill in Bradford sometime around October and you'll find out). Sure, I'd played it before. Many times. I had a love hate relationship with the game. It didn't have a proper ending, always drifting off. That game, was different. I suddenly saw the dramatic potential for it. To say any more would invade the privacy of someone who is not involved with the show, so I shall draw a veil.

I proposed the show in October/November time. I'd just started working with Emma on Disco Inferno, so asked if she and Cat would be interested in producing. They agreed. A misunderstanding from Cat, developed the concept further. When I was pitching it to the group, I talked about the mythology of memories. Cat misheard this as Pathology of memories, and there turns out to be a whole theory around this. Hence the scientific waffle which ended up in the marketing (http://www.butg.org.uk/). I coupled this with a photo which my mum had taken (It pays to have a professional photographer as a parent). There's an interesting story to the pic - it's of an art installation where the artist had gone to an old bloke's flat in Wythenshawe, near Manchester, and made an inventory of everything he owned. She had then printed this on computer paper and hung it from the ceiling of the exhibition. When mum had gone to take pictures she had loved the concept, but was finding it difficult to turn into an image. Eventually, she got the artist (I think) to stand backlit behind the paper and strike a pose. Voila, Trapped By Trivia as it is titled. An artwork in itself, in my opinion.

I digress. Christmas '04 comes and goes. I read The Men Who Stare At Goats and The Curious Incident Of The Dog In Night Time. I also read some text books about The Making of Memory and The Extreme Male Brain (which leads to Autism, theoretically). I start to read some stuff about the nature of sleep. I talk to Iain Bloomfield briefly about the idea, and he tells me not to think about it too much, but DO. What do I want to say? I tell him, I'd like the play to be about

"The lies people tell themselves."

He tells me to keep that idea, but not waste time developing it too much before I get a cast. I decide to avoid asking his advice during the process, so that I can present him with a show which he has not had some part in (bar these initial thoughts).

So, audition day arrives. I turn up armed with a raft of possible games and psychological tests.
First we play the old party game of trying to guess who you are. The production team attach different name tags to people and they have to ask each other closed questions to work out who they are. It backfires somewhat, as I have chosen people who I perceive as historically important (Mother Theresa, Condoleeza Rice, Margaret Thatcher, Helen Keller, Ghandi etc.) I am gobsmacked that the majority of people are at a loss as to who these people are. The only person they get is Marge Simpson! And she's a cartoon character. I temporarily wonder what the world is coming to, and whether we are warping our minds in favour of celebrity, but pull myself out of the despond and think fast to come up with a fail safe game.

This comes in the shape of Bear, Salmon Mosquito. You may have heard of this as Giants, Wizards and Dwarves. It's basically a derivation of Paper Scissor Stone:-

Bear eats Salmon
Salmon eats Mosquito
Mosquito eats Bear (OK, feeds on Bear)

The auditionees split into two groups and have to decide which animal they are to be en masse. I have already got them to physically represent all three (I think my favourite is Salmon, where people wiggle while keeping their arms to their sides and opening and closing their mouths silently). Then they take three giant strides towards each other in the centre of the room and proceed to show their hand on the count of three. Whichever team wins has to tag as many of the opposing team as possible. The aim is for one team to end up with all the auditionees. It's interesting how distracting this game can be, as it fluctuates between the opposing sides. Clearly, the bigger the group gets, the harder they find it to decide which animal they shall be. The team to the left of me wins.

Having now regained my composure, I play my main game. Well, I say game, it's more of a psychological test, designed by the University of Wisconsin to replicate the patterns of Diversity in Society. I have become briefly obsessed by this report, as I am fascinated by the three shapes circle square and triangle. Each auditionee has been given a badge with one of the three shapes on. The squares make up the majority group at 60% of the total. The remaining 40% is split as follows:-

60% Circles
40% Triangles.

Each group is given a 'secret' rule. To paraphrase, they are:-
SQUARE - You are happy and want to keep what you have got.
CIRCLE - You envy the squares and want what they have got.
TRIANGLE - You don't want what the squares have, but you want to be them (I'm a bit rusty on this last one, check out the original paper if you can find it on the web).

As facilitator, you then tell the group to 'Achieve their Goal!'

I then sat back and watched. For half an hour. This was a great way to discover who would be comfortable with devising. A few people just said 'I don't get it' and sat out. OK Devising is not for them, but at least they have come to that decision, they have made my casting job easy. The people who did participate went through the predicted patterns of behaviour. For example, the circles chase the squares for the first five minutes. Then the squares attempt to form a 'safe place' by linking hands, or in this case, forming a barrier of tables between themselves and the Circles and Triangles. It was fascinating. I could have left them for an hour, but felt that would have been mean. Every now and again, I would ask a participant if they had achieved their goal, thus confusing them still further. Towards the end I asked them what they thought of their colour. Up to this point, they had focussed on the shape alone. It was only at the end that they realised that their shapes were all either red blue or yellow, and this didn't necessarily match up to their shape. The ratio of colours was 1:1:1, spread evenly across the shapes. This meant they could then get into a colour group and discuss what had happened. I stayed out of these discussions and just observed.

Next we had a balloon debate. The deal is this. All of you are in a hot air balloon, falling rapidly to the ground. Only one of you can survive. If you don't decide who, within 15 minutes, the balloon will crash and all aboard die. The characters in the balloon are as follows:-

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Sailor, Richwoman, Poorwoman, Beggarwoman, Thief, Scientist, Priest, Butcher, Baker, Candlestick Maker (OK they had it tough) and Singer.

First out of the balloon was the Priest, believing that if God wanted him to survive then he would (Ah, the power of Faith). I was most convinced by the Beggarwoman, who when it was decided that she was for the chop, clung to the central post with all her might, and had to be prized away and bodily thrown from the balloon. The richwoman offered to put people in her will, but it didn't save her. Finally, we were left with a face off between the Thief and the Singer, which the Thief won (so much for the modern world's debating ability, that a Thief should win such a debate).

The last game, I asked the group to tell a story with the following number 231412341213. They were confused, but I explained that it was a memory trick. I told the following story:-

"A man with 2 legs is sitting on a 3 legged stool, eating 1 chicken leg. Along comes a 4 legged dog who steals the 1 chicken leg and runs away. The man (2) picks up the stool (3) and throws it at the dog (4) who drops the chicken leg (1). The man (2) then picks up the chicken leg (1) and the stool (3)."

I wrote the number in chalk on the floor, so they could refer back and gave them 5 minutes to come up with a story. The story was first to be told visually by movement work and sound effects, the only words being the number itself. Then, they were allowed to explain what the story actually was.

My memory is not what it was. I remember that one story involved a race, another an accident with an ambulance, a third revolved around plane tickets. Before they did the show and tell, I rubbed the number off the floor. There was an outcry "How will we remember the number?" they said. I asked them to tell me the stories. Of the three, two replicated the number exactly without help, the only reason the other didn't involved a missing plane ticket...

I enjoyed the audition ;-)