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I Have Never...

Sunday, May 08, 2005


"I Have Never been a shadow director before."

At last! A new theatre project to get my teeth into. Well, sort of.

The rehearsals started for 'The Cleaners' today. Yes, the show I auditioned for and failed to get in. Well, I went back to the director with tail between legs and he's let me tag along through the process.

Today started off badly. On the way I thought I'd stop at MaccyD's to get me a sausage and egg McMuffin. No dice, though. The woman at the drive thru informed me that they stopped serving breakfast at 10.30 (on a Sunday!). I looked at the car clock. It was 10.35. Grrrrr...

Arrived at the theatre to discover the female half of the cast already there. Amanda had worked on I Have Never with me, and I'd acted alongside Lisa in a play called 'The Secret Seven save the world'. Iain (the director) was also here. No sign of the lads, though.

Both are new. Anthony rolled up about 20 minutes late. Henry, when his mother was called, turned out to be in hospital with some unknown issue. Not an auspicious beginning. Iain decided that, rather than working through the whole day sans a body, we would do a read through, then reconvene on Tuesday. Hopefully, Henry would be back with us by then.

I took his part in the read through. It merely enhanced my envy that I was not in the play. Even on a first read aloud, it is clear that there are some absolutely hilarious moments. Truly this is going to be a must see.

Skunk, the role I covered, is a drug addled loon with a Scarface fascination. I doubt I did it justice, my middle class upbringing rather clashing with a character portrayal who seems to mouth 'know what I mean' plus an expletive every other syllable.

(Ironically, 'Know What I Mean' is a phrase close to my heart. As a teenager I won a national NSPCC competition to write a rap. It was called 'The Green Machine' and the Chorus went:

"N'at I Mean?
N'at I Mean?
N'at I Mean?
It is time to think Green."

Yes. Cringe-worthy I know. Fortunately the rest of the lyrics are lost in the depths of time...)

So, Henry's absence meant we wound up by 1pm, just in time for lunch at the local...

"How much input should a shadow have?"

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