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I Have Never...

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Monday Night Mystery...21st

OK, I have to write about this. It's a genuine I Have Never that has just changed.

I Have Never Received A Valentine's Card, And Not Known Who It Was From.

I finished work yesterday at 5pm. Got back home about 5.30 having picked my suit up from the dry cleaners (It had got covered in flour from my cabaret escapades). There were three letters waiting for me at home. 2 were bills (Yawn...). 1 was considerably more intriguing.

It was in a cream envelope, of a normal size. It was addressed as follows:-


Richard Nield
23 Bainbridge Road

On first inspection, it seemed to have been sent from Leeds on 18.02.05 @ 04.19pm (I got this from the franking on the envelope, some of which was blurred). It had a first class stamp on it which was yellow with a red lion on it. This was not a stamp I had seen before and it perplexed me, but I thought no more of it. The writing appeared to be male (ie scruffy and disorganised). The squiggle looked like it might say MI5...

The card looked like it had seen better days. The front read...

"With All My Love,


Together Means You and Me"

It had two hearts at an angle, interlinked and filled with swirls. One was an opaque red heart, the other was transparent. The swirl motif continued along the right edge of the card.

When I opened the card, it reeked of perfume (Granny's perfume at that). Small confetti like silver stars and red hearts fell out of it. Inside 'Richard' had been written at the top of the card in silver pen. The swirl motif continued across the whole inside. A poem read as follows...

"Together means
being with someone you love
and knowing
'that special someone'
loves being with you, too.
Together with you
is the nicest way to be!

Happy Valentine's Day

Below this, someone had placed a kiss mark and put some sparkle on the kiss.

I was deeply confused. Who would send me such a card? I narrowed it down to three groups:-
a) Someone In My Cast/Theatre Group
b) Someone At Work
c) An Unknown Stalker.

This was the stage at which Carl picked me up to take me to the weekly theatre group meeting. I explained my conundrum. He was amused. He also noted that it was odd and clearly it had caused me much thought, because normally I don't let him get a word in edgeways on the drive over to Bradford. Tonight, after explaining, I was virtually silent.

I began to wonder if I was going mad. Had I sent myself the card and forgotten? I can't believe with hindsight that I genuinely considered this, but I did.

One thing I seemed certain on. It was not genuine. Someone was playing a trick. A mean trick. I commented to Carl how sad this assumption was, that I could not countenance the idea that someone might 'actually' be interested in me romantically.

We got to the meeting I showed Iain of all people (I figured that he wouldn't have sent it)! I got voted in as Vice President, but my response was rather muted. I was still perturbed. I mentioned it in passing at the meeting, but it garnered little interest. After the meeting, in the pub, I showed Gilli. She was amused, but could shine no light.

I'd ruled out family. When I was a kid, mum had sent me a Valentine's Card every year to cheer me up on this day that I hated. But, I was sure that the postal stamp said Leeds.

I got a lift home, and mulled over other possibilities with Carl. I watched telly and had tea, but can't tell you much about either. My mind was totally filled with the mystery. I went to bed earlier than normal, taking the card with me. I looked at it before I turned off the light, thinking that maybe the fact that it was the last thing I saw before sleep might lead to a solution in my dreams...the stinky perfume filled my bedroom.

No solution came. I woke up and outside it had snowed. The light coming into the house was brighter than normal, but the answer was still in shadow.

Who had sent it?
Why had it been sent 4 days after Valentine's Day?
Who couldn't spell my second name properly, and addressed me as Richard, not Ric?
Who knew most of my address, but not my Flat number or correct spelling of Bainbrigge?
Why MI5?

Emotion about this fluctuated.
I was annoyed because I didn't know. Wrathful that someone was making a fool of me.
I wanted to gorge myself on the idea of the card. A glutton for love.
Greedy to capitalize on the situation.
I felt Pride that someone should send Me a card.
I was Slothful. Lazy about other tasks because of my obsession over this issue.
Lust filled me. What if I found out the person. What if it was real. I've not had sex for 4 years.
I envied the person who sent it. Their knowledge of the solution. Their unkown and unexpected power over me.

Most of all I was scared because I might have to face my fear of love.

I didn't like what this card had done to me.

I took it to work. I was ruling out most of group a) because they surely all lived in Bradford. I briefly had thought it might be Chris, because he had detailed a similar story about a Valentine's Card two weekend's ago. He lived in Bradford, though.

I remembered that Duncan lives in Leeds. Maybe that also explained the stamp. I'd thought overnight that the stamp might be of Scottish origin - hence Red Lion. In email correspondence with him, he initially claimed that Yes, he had sent the card. However, when I asked him directly about it, making it clear how important it was to me, he backed off. He had not sent the card, and felt it would have been too mean a trick.

I was also ruling out my workmates. Both Marv and Matt reacted with amusement. I was still in Rachel's bad books so there was no way she would have sent it. None of my staff who worked for me knew my address.

Eventually, just before lunch, I showed the card to my boss. She examined it as I had. She agreed that it smelled of grannies. She read it, made similar observations as I had...

With one notable exception.

"It says Glasgow here," She said.

I'd missed part of the franking. It hadn't been delivered from Leeds, it must have been redirected from a sorting office there. The squiggle was not MI5, but MIS. Presumably, it had got misdirected because of the incorrect address. Hence, it was a week late (darn British postal service...).

Who lives in Glasgow?

My Best Mate and his Girlfriend.

I sent him a text...

"You right pair of gits. I very nearly made a fool of myself with someone I fancy because of you. You'd better come and see I Have Never now..."

Who do I fancy?

Now, I can't tell you that...

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